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Hi. My name is lexy and I suffer from depersonalization disorder. Just writing that makes me want to flee because I feel scared of exposing myself. I want to crawl up and disappear at times. Like I'm a walking target. But I try to reality test. Like I'm on a train right now and nobody can hurt me with ridicule or anything else. It's not likely.

But I feel like I have had trauma in my life and I have suffered from dp in some form during my childhood.

Today I remember my middle school years. From 11 to 13 I felt I always needed to wear a pony tail. I didn't want anyone to see my hair out. I needed to be contained and not seen. When I wasn't wearing my hair up I couldn't concentrate as well. I didn't feel as secure.

Today I see this as a way of hiding myself and my sexuality. Hair is something you can't always control, just like feelings. And I was so afraid of being seen as myself and separate from my mother that I did a lot to hid myself. I didn't invite being a woman, and I wanted to also hide my developing body under clothes that didn't accentuate my body. I'm afraid I still live like this wo wearing revealing clothing.

And some of the fear I feel now sitting in this train car is being seen. Being seen as an individual and separate and as an adult woman. It makes it hard to just be and feel peaceful. Self expression is a good thing. I have to remember that. And maybe some structure.

Feeling scared with racing thoughts at the moment.
Sept 4th


Hair Arm Eye Jaw Gesture

Lexy13
Sep 05 2016 09:12 AM

Gm. Today is the last day before I go to work. Yes I am worried. I hope that I can function and be on a schedule. I am a teacher but I feel introverted and not real.
I want to talk about my mother and growing up again. I saw a woman with her daughter walking off the train. There was such love there. And warmth. My mother had some antipathy against me. She didn't want me to grow up and leave her and sge also didn't want me to grow up and be a woman. It's not easy for me to feel like a sexual being. I hope that is ok to say that here. I want to be ok and I want to be able to say what I feel even though it might be embarrassing.


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Lexy13
Sep 06 2016 08:47 PM

It was a hard day today. I went to work and felt very spacey. I couldn't concentrate or have any thoughts. I went to therapy and cried a lot out of frustration and sadness. Sad that my life is so difficult and sad bc I couldn't let the good things in. I just took a Xanax and I feel a little btr. But it's not a good life at the moment.


Hair Arm Eye Jaw Gesture

Lexy13
Sep 07 2016 09:42 AM

I didn't go into work today. It was only day 2. My body felt ravaged with anxiety and I had no way to soothe myself. I took a Xanax and rested. I'm btr now but I'm not happy with losing a day of work. It's really tricky. I'm worried about working big time.
 
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