[Homeskooled]

Hi everyone,
I dont usually have any downer posts to make, but I do today. I'm 23, and my family kicked me out of our house when I was 19. My parents would seem to be great people when you meet them - sweet, funny, and intelligent. And they are, sometimes. But they can be cruel and a little sadistic too. We have a big family, five children. When I was a teenager, I was expected to take care of the young children in the family. I had to diaper, feed and bathe them, as well as taking care of my schoolwork. When I became severely depersonalized at the age of 18, I could barely get up off of our couch for most of the day. I tried to explain to my father that I couldnt....you would figure that after 18 years, he would know me pretty well. But he told me that if I had my way, I would lie around until I'm 40. I dont think he ever figured out that I'm not lazy - or else he says these things because he doesnt care how people feel when he says them. I was kicked out of our house at the end of the summer, after I was officially diagnosed. I moved to a group home first, which was pretty scary. I was allowed to visit home once a week. My parents wanted me to move into the schizophrenics home next door, since you could only be at the group home a year before having to leave. This home next door had tiny 5 foot by 5 foot rooms where the schizophrenics could throw a mattress down. It stank of smoke, and it had a rodent problem. Once again, either my parents are sadistic, or they just dont care. I had an academic scholarship to my local university, so I took that instead. Most parents are happy when a child goes to university, but not my parents. They werent very happy that I didnt take their advice. I went to school there for a year and a half, only being allowed to visit home once a week for 4 hours. Boy was I lonely.

I finally moved to Pittsburgh for a research study being done at the university. I worked in a pharmacy and started taking classes. I found alot of friends and moved into a house, still taking classes. My physical health went bad this year, but besides that, its okay. But every once in a while, these family problems crop up. My older sister, who is a nun, is coming back to my family's home for 2 weeks starting today. My parents never, ever let me come home for the two weeks. They cite reasons like I'm opinonated, I might bring up the way they've treated me, I might get angry - and these are all possiblities. But it isnt my fault that they've done these things, and in my opinion, being angry about it is good. This visit, however, I'm in classes, and I can only come in for the two weekends. My dad said great, you can come in for the two weekends. I spoke to my mom last night, and she said she was sorry, but they were going to be gone with Chrissy this weekend and visiting my grandmother on sunday. Well, I said, cant I go with you guys to visit grandma? If you dont want me along, why cant I just come home? No, this is their personal time with Chrissy. She's going to home for 14 days! Thats your personal time, Mom! Cant you guys schedule the trip for the week? No. I told her that I'm tired of being handled like a second class son, and being quarantined into tiny, tiny time slots with my sister or my family. She used the line she always uses - Why am I full of so much hate? I should go to see a psychologist. Well, I told her that the I dont hate her, just the way she treats me. She then said that if I dont have a better attitude, I'm not coming home at all. I told her that her and dad both need counseling, and that did it. She isnt letting me home at all, and she hung up.

I dont know how to approach this. I sent an email to my sister explaining the situation. I dont want to act like a victim. I'm lonely, sick, and I dont know who to turn to. Someone I know said that the best way to get someone to do something is to shame them into doing it. Maybe I should have somebody talk to them. I just dont know who. Sorry for such a downer post, but I'm at my wits end. Thanks guys.

Peace
Homeskooled

 

[Guest]

Hi Sc,

Well, I am very sorry to hear that. You know, parents, sometimes.... they are so bizarre... I just don't get the schizo home. You're not and never went schizo? What is the problem???

To me you're very intelligent, and being opiniated is sane, and I agree. But our parents are educated sometimes in a way that we CAN'T say the truth to them. They don't want to hear that.

I am full of rage these days, and I could talk of my parents a lot, because I made huge crisis about them, this week. But it's your post and I just want to tell you I understand A LOT that it's very frustrating.

I really hope you sister will undestand your position, that will help.

I don't know ALL the story but so far, it seems you have so strict parents, that's sad.

Don't let them bring you down. Talk to your sister. You have friends, you're intelligent, you have us, you're not alone.

I don't know what else to say..... but hang on.

Karine xxx

 

[Homeskooled]

Thanks Karine,
No, I've never been schizophrenic, but my parents wanted me there to get me off of their hands, so to speak. And the sicker they can convince themselves that I am in the head, the more they can justify practically anything they want. They do something wrong? I only see it that way because I dont think clearly. I'm not allowed home? Thats because I'm very, very sick. They are very weird people. Probably not evil, just really eaten up by their own denial of the odd world they live in.

Peace
Homeskooled

 

[Guest]

So don't let them think that way. THEY sound very odd. THEY seem to have a problem, so far.

It's very sad that parents can act that way toward their child. Be strong. Don't worry, just be strong.

K xxx

 

[Guest]

Dear Steve, what stops you from deciding this is not the way you want to be treated and not contact them again? I wonder how do you live with the constant rejection and repudiation by them? :? Is that all ok with you?

Love
Wendy

 

[Homeskooled]

Because they're my parents, and I still love them. I think I need to focus more on MY life, outside of the home, but they'll always be a part of me. I'm a family guy anyways. Its just part of who I am, and so is my family. I think that maybe I should do whatever I want, to be honest. They dont own my brothers and sisters - they're the legal guardians, thats it. And not of my two older siblings. Maybe I should head in today anyways. Its what we agreed on, and I have a life. They have to honor they're committments to me too. But I dont think I need to tell my Mom that its okay for her to do these things. I just feel bad when I say it, because eventhough she blames me, I know she's hurt. I just wonder why they dont decide that its not worth it, and open up some more?

Homeskooled

 

[Guest]

Well, being part of my OWN family is enough of a minefield without me presuming to be able to give someone else advice about theirs, but I say do what you think is best for your siblings, try to keep the peace as best you can, and hopefully you can eventually work you way into a better position.
As the official outcast of my family, I can understand your pain to some extent. My parents are a 20 minute drive away, yet I usually only see them on holidays. And that's probably only because I gave them grandchildren. I think I make them nervous......to say the least.

 

[Guest]

Homeskooled,

Hang in there man. I know how a family can totally screw with your mental and physical well being. Although we come from different backgrounds, and different situations, having a family that does not support or care about you really, really sucks, especially when you go through something like DP. When DP/DR first hit me, of course, my parents thought I was being lazy, told me I was scared of growing up, that I was doing it to myself, etc, etc. Not one ounce of sympathy. If anything they made it very difficult on me. Now, I am doing a ton worse than I was a few months ago, and my family played a considerable role.

Although they have never kicked me out, they have done many things that would push anyone to the ledge. They have however, shown me the door everyday with their words and actions. I should have left for my own good a long time ago....

The point of all this?

If I have learned anything, it's that at a certain point you have to stand up for yourself and hold your own ground. Our lives belong to us. Not to our family. It's painful and hard to come to the realization that we might have to break free for once and for all. I understand you love your family, BUT do they really have your best interest in mind? You really need to ask yourself this question...

I'm not saying they don't love you, or that they are bad parents, but it sounds like you've had a lot of responsibility put on you, and perhaps you feel guilty about a lot of stuff that you shouldn't (I feel guilty about a ton of things that are not my fault....) With something like DP, the situation is then magnified 10 fold. My parents have chosen their own life, and have had a major impact on me and my sister that can't be reversed.

Some people will do and say anything to take the blame away from themselves. After a while it can seem like you are the crazy one. Your not. Just outnumbered.

Try and make a decision that will be best for you in the long run, even if it means coming to terms with a situation that might be painful at first. No matter what, I'm sure your sister will understand. You will get through this. And, it appears as though you have been a damn good son. Many parents would love to have a kid like you.

Best,

Jon

BTW- Even though you might not want to acknowledge it, you are a victim. There is nothing to be ashamed of, and it doesn't mean you have to rely on it as an easy way out. It is however, the truth, and by recognizing this, you might come to a better understanding of why things happened.

 

[Guest]

I'll second what gstile just said. That's right on target in my opinion.
Also, think of what some people go through in abusive relationships - a woman who will endure being battered, etc. and STILL say she loves the bastard, still want to stay with him, etc. Sometimes that's because she's just masochistic and highly troubled, but often it's from a very "normal" human reaction: after we put in good time and energy on someone, after we love them and tolerate their faults and continue every day trying to win their love and approval, it's HARD to let go and ever face that it's not going to ever be any different. We're invested, and sometimes the less we're rewarded, the more desperately we stick. "There's just GOT to be a payoff after all this!"

Sometimes there's no payoff coming. I'm not advising you to just walk away from your parents, but I'd say there is much more involved in your "staying" than family love.

It's very hard to say "that's the way they are, and they're really not going to change..." and accept that and move on. Painful. Hideously painful sometimes. But ... maybe not as painful as continuing to get "beat up."

And moving on doesn't mean being alone. You may have the foundation in YOU to build a wonderful family for yourself - but that's very different than trying to turn the family you have into something they're not.

And what gstile said: MANY parents would be honored and so proud to have you for a son.

Love,
J

 

[Guest]

Shoot. Looks like I've been voted off the island (again).

You, me, everyone here - we are all social critters. We want other people in our lives. We NEED other people in our lives. That includes family. These are your people. Where you came from.

Again, I can't hope to know enough about your particular family situation to give reasonable advice. All I can do is be reminded of mine, and how it has affected me.
Do I blame my parents for me being screwed up? Not really. I'm sure things they did somehow contributed to me becoming DP. They clearly favored my sisters over me, for instance. I was just the boy - the one who was expected to grow up and succeed. My sisters both received all sorts of extra benefits, from more emotional involvement with my parents to more monetary aid, etc. I mostly had the feeling that I was being raised by stangers.
On the other hand, I'm just as sure there was no plan on their part to mess me up. They were doing the best they could with what they themselves had to work with.
Since becoming a DP'ed mess - do I blame them for largely banishing me from the clan? Not really. I certainly can't expect them to understand what I am going through. They are human, and it is human nature to be afraid of the unknown. I make them very nervous. Just knowing I think I'm screwed up makes them very nervous. They absolutely do not want to hear about it. They don't understand, and it scares them. And I'm sure at some level it makes them feel guilty, and bad about themselves somehow.

I like both of the sisters. In fact, one of them may even be my best friend. In the interest of not upsetting them, I try to play the part my parents want me to play: sane, successful, happy, etc. You know, all the things I'm not.
I suppose I could take a stand or something, and turn my back on my family. Try to make myself believe I don't need my parents. For me anyway, that would be a lie. For better or worse - they are my people. And, for better or worse, I'm stuck loving them as my parents.

They didn't get who they wanted as a son. I didn't get who I wanted as parents. Oh well. I think working together as best as we can is better than pulling farther apart. It's best for them, it's best for my sisters, and it's best for me.

 

[sleepingbeauty]

i dunno if this helps at all steve, but you should have a chat with gem and misty they both have alot of insight on this subject.

weve all been through different levels of hell with our parental units. some of us much worse than others. all parents, when they decide to have kids, and when they look at you as a baby, you are THEIRS. a posession. a precious gift. and they have our whole lives mapped out for us. and if we deviate from that even in the slightest, its a disappointment. some parents deal with it, some parents try to fight it(like mine) and some parents just shut it off. the latter are not just jerks for doing so.. they are snobs. and that is a nasty evil thing to be. i deal with my parents because they arent snobs, they are just overbearing arseholes. but by showing me some sort of attention even though its negative, through that i can tell they only care about me. but if they shut off the faucet and gave up on me and snobbed me, i would be absolutely crushed.

my ex boyfriends father is like that. he would never visit us unless my ex would have total and complete breakdowns and even then it was limited to a few minuites. he would come all the way from the other side of the island to this side just to go surfing, park right in front of our house but not even wave to say hello. he hated the fact that his perfect son turned out to be a bipolar nutjob. so he just shut off the water.. and focused all his energy on the youngest son who was just as handsome and perfect but still had all his marbles and still shined like the star he had wanted all his sons to be. it was devistating to my ex and made his situation 1000 times worse. its a mindjob of the worst possible kind and enough to make even the most sane person go loco.

is it worth it? thats what you have to figure out for yourself. is it worth me dying mentally? is giving them all my energy worth the pain? it is possible to love them and still work on just you. you can love them as much as you want to, and still not let them kill what is left. its up to you to take a stand and let all of it go. because they are like anchors and you will never heal unless you let that go. it doesnt mean forever steve. but for right now its the most important decision you can make for yourself.