[sleepingbeauty]

Ok heres a wierd story,

i try to stay out of this forum cause im one of those who has accepted my ailments for the time being and am not actively looking for answers. and if i hang out up here trying to help out like Janine and the other angels on this site, i inevitably start obsessing about my own problems. ive been a member long enough to know that about myself. i pretty much stay away from the site but from time to time ill show up in the off topic. ok enough background.

so while i was at work today in daydream mode, i thought back to a hideous repressed childhood memory that was triggered when i heard a song on MTV as a highschool senior. i decided that would be a good topic to discuss here on the main board, memory triggers, and if anyone else here has had this happen to them. i later forgot about it and tonight decided to log on and mess about in the off topic. and lo in the name that tune section the last lyrics posted by imagine is the EXACT song that triggered my repressed memory!!!!!!! i was like :shock: the coincidence is enough to put my dp on fry mode. so i wont think about that right now.

so about this repressed memory of mine, i was about 18 at the time, and i was up really late to watch my favorite show Headbangers Ball. As soon as they played this song Mother by Danzig, i instantly have this horrific flashback, of me at around the age of 3, lying on a bed in a dark room, that song is playing in the background, and there is this huge figure of a man hovering above me. the next thing i know im in the fetal position rocking back and forth in full blown panic hell. for three days i didnt come out of my room and couldnt stop crying.

id like to know if anyone else has had a similar experience. im not sure if this is dp related at all. it is pretty wierd though.

 

[Imagine]

Sorry.

 

[Homeskooled]

Dear Sleepy,
Yes, I think having scary memories, or being afraid that we have memories with sinister meaning, seems to be part of depersonalization. I used to be "afraid" of things I might remember....now I realize that there wasnt anything unusual locked away. I think it goes with the odd dark, existential thoughts and ruminating/OCD that occurs with DP. Are you sure that this truly was a menacing occurrence, or was it one of those things that happen so long ago, our memory is colored by imagination? I mean, wasnt the song mother written in like 88 or 89, when you were a little older than 3? They've found that when asking people the colors of cars at the scene of an accident, you can "make" someone remember a yellow car, and thats how they see it in their mind's eye. There is a name for this phenomenon, and its brought up alot in court cases. Dont let the DP "color" your memories.

Peace
Homeskooled

 

[sleepingbeauty]

but i still dont understand how a song could freak me out so much, and why i got that horrible image in my head. im thinking maybe it was a panic attack. but ive never had one like that. the only other time ive experienced something close to it was a dream i had a few years ago, of my father chasing me with a stick. i woke up in a cold sweat and imediately went to peices. it brought back so many horrors from my childhood that i know for a fact happened but i spent so long blocking them out just to be able to go on with my life. my dad freely admits to being an abusive drunk. when things were worse is when my panics first appeared and when i started going deep within and creating other worlds to hide in. i guess im rambling but it all seems connected. the dp, the panics, the abuse, the memories i chose to forget. it all amounts to the big mess that is me.

 

[terri*]

You know, SB, it does all amount to "the mess that is me". I will be using that phrase in my daily life now...the mess that is me. All of our history does make up who we are and how we react to things in life. For me, it has been in the how I changed my reaction to those things in my life that have most helped me not get so upset when I have these realizations of the past.

( Well, except recently when I told my 74 year old father how f'ed up he was and had been. :shock: We got into an arguement and all of a sudden I had the biggest flashback, as if I were a kid again. I have never had this in such a way. I felt the pain and the hurt he had caused and I wanted to lash out. And this time I could because I wasn't that scared little kid anymore. I'd been needing to say it for years. Felt surprisingly good after I said it.)

I do believe it could be something as simple as a song that brought out these feelings in you. I think music is a very big mind stimulator. Don't you? I know you love your music. Yeah, I can believe it brought back a strong memory.

 

[peacedove]

Sounds like a flashback of a real memory to me... considering the effect it had on you. And it probably has a lot to with your DP. But of course I'm no expert.

Homeskooled... you say you used to be afraid of things you might remember but now you realize there wasn't anything unusual locked away. How did you come to this realization?

I've been having these little pieces of memories popping up in my head. They are not terrifying like sleepingbeauty's. I think they are from a memory that was repressed long ago when I was about 4 because it was very traumatic for me. But I can't remember the actual trauma... just other things that lead me to believe this trauma did in fact happen.

I was thinking about being hypnotized to see if any trauma could be uncovered that way. But I have been worrying that this hypnotist could make me believe something that never happened. What are your thoughts on this? Is there a safe way to be hypnotized?

 

[sleepingbeauty]

peacedove, i would never want to be hypnotised. i have a hard time giving up control, i like to be in control. and i really dont like the idea of someone digging into my brain. theres sh!t in there that even i dont want to know about. :?

thank you for sharing your story terri. i guess no one can really know what it is like to be abused (especially as a child) unless you experience it for yourself. and everyone handles that abuse differently. a good example is that movie the cell. the killer was weakened by the childhood abuse and let it consume him turning him into the abuser. the detective's abuse consumed him in an entirely different way, causing him to despise it and destroy it without trying to understand its meaning or reason.

i know for a fact i was not a happy child. my earliest memories are horrid. my mothers muffled screams, me finding solice wrapped in a blanket coccoon, my fingers digging painfully in my ears but i still cant shut out the sound. my fathers drunken footsteps and praying that he wouldnt find my hiding spot but he always did. these are things i DO remember.

its the more hideous details that my brain shut off access too and said "UH UH!! we dont need to go through the rest of our life with that!"

i firmly believe that to be fact. perhaps if a talking donkey and a cat in high heels were to show up i may start to question the memory. but it all seems valid to me.

 

[agentcooper]

I mean, wasnt the song mother written in like 88 or 89, when you were a little older than 3? They've found that when asking people the colors of cars at the scene of an accident, you can "make" someone remember a yellow car, and thats how they see it in their mind's eye. There is a name for this phenomenon, and its brought up alot in court cases. Dont let the DP "color" your memories.

Peace
Homeskooled

hey homeskooled...i think that it would be possible to have a memory of something and then LATER connect it with a song. "mother" is a pretty freaky song so maybe it just worked its way into the real memory after she heard it.

now i have that song stuck in my head.

 

[peacedove]

peacedove, i would never want to be hypnotised. i have a hard time giving up control, i like to be in control. and i really dont like the idea of someone digging into my brain. theres sh!t in there that even i dont want to know about. :?

Yeah I feel the same way... but I was thinking if I find out the cause of my DP and deal with it somehow maybe it will go away. Just wishful thinking I guess.

 

[sleepingbeauty]

I mean, wasnt the song mother written in like 88 or 89, when you were a little older than 3? They've found that when asking people the colors of cars at the scene of an accident, you can "make" someone remember a yellow car, and thats how they see it in their mind's eye. There is a name for this phenomenon, and its brought up alot in court cases. Dont let the DP "color" your memories.

Peace
Homeskooled

hey homeskooled...i think that it would be possible to have a memory of something and then LATER connect it with a song. "mother" is a pretty freaky song so maybe it just worked its way into the real memory after she heard it.

now i have that song stuck in my head.

yea thats pretty much it i think. could have been a note in the song or maybe seeing Danzig himself {{{{{shudder}}}}} set it off. dunno. maybe it wasnt a memory but it did feel like something akin to one. there was no actual physical contact in the memory, but the whole feeling was one of sexual violence and intense fear. now i was molested a few times as a small child, mostly by older children but once from a 17 year old, these are times i DO remember and have never forgotten. this particular memory or whatever it was was completely different, because this was a full grown adult male. i dont think it was my dad because this person was not familiar to me. To be honest it really could have been anyone, cause i was around alot of strangers mostly drug addicts and drunks, because my family were such and would have wild parties almost every night. lots of creepy strangers around. i know i did my best to shut out most of these memories by creating fatasy worlds in my head. wether or not anything really happened i doubt i will ever know.

 

[terri*]

All the ugliness you have seen and still you became the

beautiful person that is you.

( kind of a twist on a previous saying of yours.)

Here's to being a survivor, SB.

 

[sleepingbeauty]

thanks hun. i try. i guess thats all we can do yea? keep going dispite all the odds. the internal and external.

 

[Homeskooled]

Dear Sleepy,
I wasnt trying to minimize your trigger, but I thought I should explain what I think motivated mine - OCD and rumination. Its not the things that happened that worried me, its what I was afraid had happened. It doesnt mean that you dont actually have scary past experiences or serious tragedies - just dont let the OCD rule you with thoughts of things that might have been. Thats the nature of rumination, it never ends with a clear cut answer, just fear. And yes, I think that both traumatic memories and OCD can be "triggered". By the way, when did you go to therapy? And thanks for coming back to the site - its good to "see" you again

Peace
Homeskooled