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Trigger - if you are someone who has just begun to experience DP or DR then this post isn't for you :)

Well I never thought I would be back here, I think it was 2016 that last time I was on this lovely forum, I'm not sure how many of the old school people are still active or have moved on elsewhere?

I have to start with an apology for not coming back pre 6 weeks ago and sharing my story with you but after having had such a shitty time with DP/DR I had a bloody amazing 7 years.

Two lovely kids, holidays abroad, adventures, house moves, relationships break ups, nights out and getting an amazing job. For the most part completely DP/DR free . 7 beautiful years.

This will be a long post but I have actually found the posts from years ago I made quite useful so I want to document everything I'm going through right now to help if I ever find myself back here in years to come.

So why I am I here? Well about 6 weeks ago I was in the process of a breakup with my partner of almost two years. It was sad but I was processing as a 'normal person' would and no signs of DP/DR that I can remember but then..... I cought COVID, I had avoided for two years but it caught me. I'm not vaccinated and had what I can only describe as two weeks of crap.

Covid hit me hard, I was alone at home fully convinced I had pnomnia and was going to die, welcome back that fear in my stomach... I gave in at one point and attended A&E due to chest pains and shortness of breath. About one week in DR was back, just little glimpses at first...

I have always felt I feel a lot more DR than DP but the two are intermingled. So I thought 'hello my old friend' I know how to beat you this will be a peace of p***

I unpack my tool case ready to distract my mind from this scary sensation.

Keep busy, submerge myself in my environment, positive thoughts, eat healthy, excersize... The only issue was I couldn't leave I was stuck in the house, there wasn't much I could do to pull me back. Then add on top the 'real' threat of dying of covid 19 I sunk into it, By day 13 I finally tested negative but it was too late I had began to spiral. Paranoia leading to not eating, lack of sleep, constant anxiety leading to deeper and deeper levels of DR

By the time I was allowed out again, I threw myself into work, spending all day there surrounded by people determined to not give in. For the most part it kept it at bay through the day I could have hours zoned in but it was the giant black bear just waiting for me every time I stopped to breathe.

Each journey home became harder and harder feeling less and less attached to my environment. The weekends were the worst, I was alone with my thoughts and I would keep busy all day morning to night but I just kept slipping.

People started to notice I wasn't myself, then they excuses come out, oh it's long COVID, oh Im just tired, it's nothing....

Every few days was a deeper level of DR, I would have the panic at first where you feel what you should for a second before a wave of panic and then more DR. Deeper and deeper levels....

The paranoia was so strong, thinking my ex was coming into my house and poisoning my food, I kept throwing out food day after day, I ended up not eating having along bottled water and a prepackaged sandwich each day from the shop

I just kept white knuckled it even going to the pub one day after work with freinds, the drive home was hell I got home and just broke down (one week ago yesterday - Thursday) I just felt so so detached, I didn't know how to function, my reality was slipping away before my eyes.

On Sunday I was stuck in bed, I was frozen I'm fear while my mind warped 1,000,000 miles an hour, I messaged a friend asking for help, she came over to drag me out for a walk, I got in the car to drive and after 100m just broke down, the detachment was so intense these new levels were so alien to me.

Come Monday, I managed to drag myself to work and behave as a semi human, god knows how as I was constantly dying inside living out the dream in a world I had little connection too. Monday night the drive home felt like my reality was hanging by a thread, the fear and panic was unbearable, I went to a freinds house and broke down.

Then it happened, I felt like I had fully detached, I felt nothing, complete emptiness no connection to the world around me, it's like I don't know where I am, I know the words and how to get there but I'm lost.

I pleaded and rocked as I was a hollowed shell, I was shuffled into a car and driven to A&E by an amazing friend who waited with me , 12 hours later I'm with a mental health team and 24 hours later I'm back at home.

That was three days ago, and I'm not sure of anything anymore. I still have moments of panic and anxiety but for the most part I'm just stuck, paralyzed in the spot.

I'm off from work, that job means the world to me and I will do anything to get back to it

This is where things get wierd... On the phone I'm still me I can have phone conversations and type... Obviously but outside of this little box I'm just stuck.

I find myself just staring into space for 30 minutes just going over the same thoughts again and again, then willing myself to move. Trying to do anything to pass the time but nothing has meaning with this level of detachment.

I feel like I am fading away

The level of detached is nothing I can begin to describe, I mean it's the same as any generic DPDR symptom list but x 100

I was given some medication but it just knocks me out, I'm seeing doctor's daily but no-one can explain what is happening. I'm finding it harder and harder to speak, to reach out for help.

But on the phone I zone in and it's like nothing else exist just some fingers typing on a screen, I know screens have always made my DR worse but right now it's the only thing I can do.

Im struggling to leave the house, my bed even... I just keep getting stuck. I have lost so much so quickly and I don't have a clue how to fix it or get back.

I feel at this rate I'm going to be sitting in a wheelchair on a ward before long...

If you made it this far well done! I guess it would be nice to have some words of wisdom, similar experience or just something to distract me through to day.

Peace and love to you all ☮❤

Drew x
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