[Lostsoul26]

Hello everyone.I am a newbie to the forum,but not to depersonalization.ive had it full blown for 8yrs now,though I always feel like it lingered in my childhood n early teen years.I am 25 yrs old and a mother of 2.the trauma I experienced started at 9yrs old when my mother passed away in a car accident,I remember feeling my first episode of depersonalization.the not real dream like sensation.after that I struggled with depression n social anxiety.then my dad passed away at 13.this was the start of my destructive pattern.having to go live with an aunt because of being orphaned my older 21 or old cousin gave me ecstasy for the first time I took it 4 times.looking back now I see it was already having effects on my memory but I didnt much realize it.then my sister almost died on it right in front of my eyes.after that I swore never to touch it again.then at 16 I was molested n drug rapped giving bars by an older guy.after that I pretty much did not care about myself.I drank every weekend engaged n behavior I shouldnt have,then at 17 I got beat up by a girl n school n bullied by several girls at school n had gossip n rumors spreading all over school.I was mortified I wanted to die after that suicidal depression set in.so once again I did x hoping to die.well obviously I didnt but I woke up in a depersonalization hell.not being able to recognize myself in the mirror.feeling as if I had no face.feeling as if I was a pair of eyes n blank mind.I suffered n my family always though of it as just depression.I never told them all my symptoms to emberassed to.well here I am 8yrs later with the same problem.I believe my depersonalization has been a combination of trauma n drug abuse.all I can say is this illness is very lonely n extremely frustrating.making u feel not human.having kids I feel as if I can not love them correctly like this.how can u love some one with no real emotions thoughts are feelings behind it.same with my bf.it hurts n all I do is try my best to make it through the day.but its always there haunting me like a demon on my shoulder.

puddles19
Nov 22 2016 05:09 AM

I got a sense of 'deja vu' reading this, I've also come from a drug abusive past, I wondered whether that was a contributor to my memory issues now.

Have you considered a therapist to work through your traumatic past? A psychologist may be able to help you find a safe way to handle your DP.