[peaceboy23]

A few thoughts here. A lot of times, I hear about those who have suffered abuse, molestation, rape, all of those things suffering from DP/DR later on in life. This has started me thinking that maybe there is something in me that i am trying to forget, or have forgotten for so long, and that it is finally trying to push through...i have flashes of weird memories, but can someone honestly forget something like abuse or molestation? Part of this is because of the book "Perks Of Being A Wallflower" I mentioned earlier. Does anyone else wonder about these things?
Secondly, I dont' want to start a religious debate, an ethical debate, whatever, but i am curious if anyone else in here is or knows gay people with DP/DR. I have often thought that as a gay person, living life as a lie for so long, living a differnet reality and personality to the world, that it is almost sadly natural that gay people develop DP/DR. This can also apply to other things, like children of alcoholics, or kids who are constantly teased. The child does not want to let their real life be shown, so they develop another reality they tell to family, friends, or school mates. Anyone think anything of this?

 

[rainboteers]

I think a major contributing factor to my situation is that I always wanted to make everyone happy. If I couldn't please everyone around me than I felt like a failure. I think I was over emotional and basically a doormat. I am pretty sure it finally took it's toll and I am paying for it now. If you don't respect yourself maybe you start to lose your sense of self. I also believe that trauma can be anything that is personally traumatic to you. It doesn't have to be abuse or something that serious. I think people who develop dp/dr because of trauma are trying to escape what they are going through. I don't know really. I wish I did.

 

[Guest]

I have often thought that as a gay person, living life as a lie for so long, living a different reality and personality to the world, that it is almost sadly natural that gay people develop DP/DR. This can also apply to other things, like children of alcoholics, or kids who are constantly teased. The child does not want to let their real life be shown, so they develop another reality they tell to family, friends, or school mates. Anyone think anything of this?

Hi Peaceboy. Im gay (female). I think it is correct to say then when you've had to hide your real self for a lengthy period of time (for any reason) and had to pretend to be someone else, or deny your feelings, it can cause us to develop DP. I do think also that one needs certain traits (a certain 'personality structure') in order to develop it (introverted, analytical, sensitive, inward thinker).
I dont think for me being gay and having to hide it was a cause for my DP, although I think it contributed to it. Not only that but also the abuse I had to deal with when I opened up about my 'true nature'.
I always knew though that when I was young and in love with a girl, I could tell noone, so I knew, something was 'wrong' about what I was feeling and kept that part to myself for a long time.
I know many gay people though and not one of them suffers from DP. I know gays who didnt have a problem with accepting themselves to be gay, and I know people who have had to deal with terrible abuse because of being gay, which can be traumatic, espcially when you're young and vulnerable.
I hope that helped.

 

[Ben]

...or kids who are constantly teased. The child does not want to let their real life be shown, so they develop another reality they tell to family, friends, or school mates. Anyone think anything of this?

Peaceboy,

You're very right on about that last statement. When I was growing up I was never in the "normal" crowd. The school wanted me to skip a grade or two when I was in elementary because they figured I was probably a bit beyond some of my school mates and my problems were attributed to lack of stimulation in my environment, etc. Right or wrong, my parents refused to have me jump ahead and so I basically stayed where I was. I was constantly teased - right up until I got into high school and basically changed my tune a bit (you tease me, I'll kick your ass). Small minds, big mouths. To be honest, I probably would have been teased even had I jumped ahead - because I "jumped ahead". If it could have been done quietly, though, I'm pretty sure I would have been okay. The point is that if I would have been around more mature students, I might have made more friends.

Althroughout, though, I never really associated much with people and lived - a lot - in my own mind; inventing my own realties and such. It gave me something to do because I could not connect well with others (I since then learned that I can connect well - just to this day I prefer the company of older people).

I am fairly sure about a number of things:

1) I have ADHD and this has denied me the ability to focus and stick with things for the long run,
2) I think differently than others (not better - just different), and it's always been hard to describe that to others,
3) I suffer anxiety and DP, which - well, you all know this....

These things, combined, limited my touch with people and increased my distancing from "the real" about me. Thus - lack of active involvement lead to lack of connection - it wasn't far to go from detachment to dissociation.

I'm not gay, but I have a couple friends who are (and *grin* dated a bisexual girl in college); and I can see that, if you are forced to hide yourself away one can develop DP/DR as I have, in the past, hid my differences from others and that, probably, inreased my DP experience.

 

[Guest]

I think horrible and dramatic traumatic childhood experiences that we DON'T remember are very very rare. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that if you don't recall it, just forget that area entirely. Chances are good that what the trauma is you're really suffering from is not going to look like satanic abuse or some horrific ritual murder.

Trauma is, as said above, what is traumatic to US. For someone who is wound very very tight and hides alot from the world and is basically put together with spit and glue, it doesn't take much to count as "ego trauma"

I think most dp'ers who had trauma origins are really dealing with some aspect of reality or of themselves that they were trying hard to not deal with, or to not see at all. Then one day, the stars align (facts and events just fall together) and we get an unwelcome "glimpse" into the ideas were had been compartmentalizing for so long. That insight, or thought, is enough to send us fragmenting - and enter dp.

That is clearly what happens with rec drug users who become dp. It is not brain damage from the drug, but some sudden (and traumatic) shift in one's thinking, some threatening new way of shaking up their mental status quo or view of the world, that sends them into dissociation.

You do NOT need a drug to introduce it - but that's just a good example of how the mind can suddenly be forced to deal with ideas it wasn't expecting.

I also doubt if keeping secrets per se, hiding who we are, etc. is really going to invoke dp. It's not the stuff we hide from OTHER people, but the stuff we're hiding from US that invites these symptoms.

Peace,
and I'll check out that Wallflower book. Hadn't heard of it before.
Welcome by the way!
Janine

 

[Guest]

...i have flashes of weird memories, but can someone honestly forget something like abuse or molestation?

Forgot this part. Yes it is possible. It doesnt have to be ritual/satanic abuse or anything that horrible, as Janine says.
But, I have known two people who were sexually abused as a child, and dont remember it, yet their family clearly remember them being abused (witnessed it).
Also, for myself, my sisters come up with stuff that happened to me, I have no recollection of, but were quite traumatic. And it worries me.

I believe that if you feel stuff happened to you that you cant remember but do get weird flashes of memories, look at them (not obsessively..lol). They may be part of your puzzle. As for me, Im astounded when I have my sister(s) tell me somethings I dont recall, but them telling me brings me back to reality and then I feel: you see, Im not crazy, with the dissociation as a response to protect me from it. Thats how it works for me anyway, cant speak for others.
They are very helpfull in my recovery concerning lost memories.

 

[Guest]

hi peaceboy,

I think being gay and constantly feeling like you are weird or different and living a lie could cause horrible trauma. I'm not gay, but, it seems like from the day I tried to be part of society I was treated as some bizarre aberration. I think if I were a wolf born into a pack of wolves they would have killed me or kicked me out of the wolf pack. People always reacted badly to me, almost instinctively. I was picked on in school and never fit in anywhere-- not even with the outcasts.

Personally, I don't believe in "repressed memories." Unless something happened to you at such a young age that you couldn't remember it, in which case you will never really know if those bad things happened to you. I know people who have literally tormented themselves wondering about repressed memories from childhood and became so obsessed by the possibly true repressed memories that they ruined their lives and their relationships.

I'm always intrigued by the number of DPers who were outcasts or who were bullied, even before the DP set in. It seems like there are a lot of us.

Ben, I was also supposed to skip a couple grades, but my parents wouldn't allow it. I think that if I had skipped ahead I would have been teased less, though it probably still would have been bad.

 

[Guest]

I dont think, littlecrocodile its a matter of 'believing' it exists, its a matter of 'reality' as sometimes is in my case.

 

[Ben]

I also doubt if keeping secrets per se, hiding who we are, etc. is really going to invoke dp. It's not the stuff we hide from OTHER people, but the stuff we're hiding from US that invites these symptoms.

To be honest, I think keeping secrets (either from ourselves or our environment) is never going to invoke DP; but I believe it is either a manifestation of that which gives us DP, or something which may (or may not) increase or extend the DP experience. Those who suffer from DP either have less desire to extend themselves to the surrounding environment, or their inability to extend themselves into their environment increases the effects of DP - and I'm not sure which. I am pretty sure neither invokes, however, the experience.

That is clearly what happens with rec drug users who become dp. It is not brain damage from the drug, but some sudden (and traumatic) shift in one's thinking, some threatening new way of shaking up their mental status quo or view of the world, that sends them into dissociation.

I like this statement - in fact, I like it a lot. Again, I tend to look at it like humans have a center of balance that is important to them and makes them feel good and "one" with their environment, when that is throttled a bit, then, I believe, most people experience light DP (as I have talked to people before who have had DP-like symptoms during moments of trauma or uprisings in their life). The chemical components add predisposition - but I think the lack of balance and inner-consistency bring about feelings of environmental shift very easily and, when the world turns oddly, we get thrown helter skelter and have trouble with successful grounding.

 

[ShyTiger]

hi peace,
i know that with my abuse i never forgot. But i always remebered it from a bystanders perspective. It has only been recently that i have really remembered it from an integrated perspective of feeling the emotions to the event. I however know of many who's memories have been suppressed and they have started to remember thier abuse at a much later age. But weather this applys to your situation is something you will have to work out. It is hard as dp can throw all sorts of thoughts/images ect. do u have someone you can ask about it?
To second question.. i do know that for me suppressing parts of myself definatly contributes to dp. I think its the thinking that is going on behind why we supress our true selves that is also a big contributer-or it is at least for me. I dont really tell my family about my sexuality(im bi) but i also dont think its any of there buisness and i know how they feel about the subject so its not an extra burden i need right now. I believe it is stressfull when who u are conflicts with who others and you yourself think you should be and that is bound to add to dp symptoms.Suppession of our true selves i think is truely one of the most heinous of crimes, very sad thing, as what i value most in people is there uniqueness and there true selves, warts, beauty and all!! Just my two cents worth...

ShyTiger