I think I'm still anxious and afraid to talk about my past, even as I don't completely understand it, because I don't want to show signs of weakness. I feel like I would be exposing my weaker, darker parts of my self, and they might then take advantage and attack me.
I'm always worried about protecting myself, putting up a good front, not exposing my soft emotional underbelly. That's why I have a hard time dancing sometimes, I can't reveal myself.
I don't want to show my shame and confusion. Why? They'll pour it on, they'll redouble their efforts to intensify and multiply my shame and confusion and terror.
Me, myself, right now. This is who I am, and this is who I am afraid to show. I'm not even so much ashamed personally, as I am just afraid to show it to others.
Maybe that's why I get angry and stressed out when I miss a shot or make a mistake (not just basketball, but any kind). I get bitter and angry, like I'm pre-anticipating the treatment I am going to get or deserve.
What's the point of showing or sharing or talking it? I'll only be harshly punished for it. This is how I was raised and treated by my parents...
I had to close myself up, because I had to protect myself. I had to, being open meant getting taken advantage of and attacked, blamed, criticized, judged, sentenced.
Whenever I have trouble doing something due to feelings, I have had a habit of hating myself, turning the blame and anger within. But it's not my fault!!!!!
And this is all right there for me to see, experience, consciously acknowledge.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
It's not my fault.
Just like in Good Will Hunting...it's not my fault.
I feel like I fell in a manhole, and the walls of the pit gave way and all the dirt and earth started falling on me and burying me. And I couldn't see a thing, but blamed that on myself and blamed my own eyes, rather than the fact that the darkness swallowed all the light and I couldn't see anything in the darkness, being buried under more earth...
And yet I'm still not seeing all the way to the core, still can't see my own feet. I see these things, but still there's a cloud I can see in or through...What is there???
What is my core fear, what is that core presence that scares me so, is always there even as I try to forget it, put it out of sight and mind???
There's something there and I don't know what it is, even as I am terrified of it!
Is it a part of me? Is it a part of the world? Is it a specific person? Is it my reaction or feelings to something?
It is gloom. It is dark. It is these things, but I don't know what it is. It is my destruction, somehow. My death.
It's also here. In me. Is it another being? A parasitic organism that feeds on darkness and fear? It is the secret dark shadow of my life, my existence. From heaven to hell, it's huge and unescapable.
What is this cloud?
