It’s coming on Xmas. And I see ppl on the street talking to their children lining up to buy things and watching the lights as they go to green and red. I truly want to feel in it. In the world and yet there is a part of me that is not. I’m watching but I’m not there. Today I decided not to get all upset by it. Clearly there is something that is keeping me from connecting. And that it is the way it is today. But there is tomorrow and I am going to try to structure myself and go back to work eventually. I want a female role model. Someone who is on their own side not doubting herself so often. And I want to be in her shoes. Making it in this complicated world.