Listening to this as I write, might as well listen while you read.
,
I'm very sleepy but felt the need to write suddenly.
A few days ago I admitted some things to myself that I hadn't wanted to touch before. I admitted that my pride was really fear, that what I am is a facade, that I am broken and hurt and in a lot of pain, but I said this with conviction with a knowing that I felt and believed deep in my heart with an honesty to myself (finally)not a cold emotionless detached fact about who I am. This was reality, the one I needed to touch to grasp sanity again and what I've found so far is that it's not as scary as i thought it was. Given I am still at the surface but it is a breakthrough. For now I am following some advice..some that I have given myself, some I have read. One is that I tell myself that I accept it and embrace it. No longer do i want to hide. So if you are ever ready self, come back to me. I'll let you in.
Something tells me a lot of us are here because we are not being honest with ourselves and we're not facing our fears. I've made a point in life to admit things to myself that I haven't ever admitted before and a lot is happening in my body ..tension melting off and rippling through my body, sensations being more real, calmness taking over little by little...something has changed and it makes me happy.
I admitted that the thing I want the most in life is love and connection, that I deeply crave it yet at the same time I am holding myself back.
I admitted i'm studying what im studying now not for any of the reasons i say that i do but really because i have no initiative in life and I want to please a parent. People tell me I'm bright and to not be hard myself all the time, They tell me i have accomplished so much ...but I never felt those things made me feel accomplished...what would make me happy and feel accomplished is not the same as what it is for them,,intelligent and competent is what I am,..not a struggle ive overcome to be proud of...it's autopilot living..it's not facing my fears or accomplishing what would be accomplishments to ME..it's attaining significance and people's validation..and i'm sick of it i don't want that anymore...i want validation from myself from something in my bones telling me i'm doing something right.
I self sabotaged because I was scared and most likely so are you..of something different that me..but i am wishing you all well and sending out hopes for the best outcomes in our lives.
Give up hiding.
Give up lying.
Give up your shields...and be honest worth yourself..everything starts from there...I hope, that and embracing what you are broken pieces and all.
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