[Guest]

Dear Gem,

Are you/have you been grieving these last few weeks all by yourself?
Did you share with friends?
And do you have any kind of therapy or counseling?
It sounds from your post, that you've been dealing with all these painful feelings all alone. I think its good you reach out to this board. Is there anyone in your daily life you can really share this with?

 

[Guest]

I do not think you need any advice Gem, seems like all is "normal". You said it yourself, he was your dad. One does not need a life of nurturing and close relationhship to feel the loss of biological kin, especially a parent. I have seen it many times and it seems strange how even an abused child can grieve for a lost parent. I have tried to relate to this when it has crossed my path and I see it as grief of course, but also abandonment and lonliness. The good news is that you are healthy enough to grieve, many of us would wall it up or get bitter.

My father was not really a father outside of giving us meager rations on the table. I always felt he disliked me and we had many physical altercations. But it was his silence and aloofness when I repeatedly reached out to him that killed me. I even asked forgiveness from him (as an adult) when it should have been reversed, but he was silent. And then he got cancer. And still he was silent. And then he slipped into a quasi coma, and during my shift to sit with him, at 3am on a Sunday morning, he woke up, sat up, looked at me and said "Jimmy I love you", fell back down and died shortly after. It was the first time in his life he ever said that. They were the last words he spoke. It was the first time he ever expressed anything to me emotionally besides anger. This should have healed me, but I would not let it. I instead walled off the feelings and forgot about him. I never have grieved him, I wish I could. Something tells me that your father had it in him to tell you the same (to sit up, look you in the eye and say "I love you"), he jsut never made it happen. I have learned that so often when parents are like this (like your father) that it always is about them and not about you. Living beats the life out of some of us and brings us to points where we do not want to be. Maybe your dad was there (where he did not want to be...as my father was), but this does not mean you were not his little girl. Big cyber hug to you today from one who jsut allowed himself to weep after reading your story.
jftj

 

[gem]

Thank you for replying to my post. I guess I was having a weak moment. I know I have to go through the grieving process and it is time that will help. I am sorry that you suffered the loss of your father also. I truly do believe though that family is so very important. I think dp happens to some people who who don't feel that connection. Thank you wendy for your response. I do have someone who is kind and caring to help me through the grieving. I am also very thankful for this site.

gem.