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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi all!
I have introduced myself earlier on this website for my story, you can check it here to see my symptoms and background a bit: http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/index.php?/topic/85689-no-feelings-and-memory/?view=getnewpost

I want to update (and keep updating) you guys on my road to recovery with TMS treatment.

First of all, I tried everything to find the cure, like everyone here is desperate to find it. I'm suffering now for over 9 months. The most horrible part is a lack of feelings (non existant, not even anxiety and before I was diagnosed with GAD), memoryproblems (like Alzheimer way) and social I am so numb and boring, I am no fun to be around, I think. Like i miss words, don't know what to say etc.

In the 9 months I have this, I had therapy 3 times, I had contact with several neurologists trough email (I searched for the best ones on Google and decides to tell my story in the hope they had the answer), I had an MRI, nothing came out, I had medication : anti psychoticas, all sleep medication possible, anti depressants (lexapro, which I already had and since 2(?) months wellbutrin). I joined the Facebook groups blank mind and depersonalisation for cures.. I even saw a person from Facebook and met her.
Nothing nada zero worked for me.

*I had no withdrawal symptoms from medication, like my feelings and sensations were (and still are) blocked. A normal person maby would feel a little withdrawal, also when I drink alcohol or I even took drugs (I hated drugs, was scared of drugs..) and even drugs didn't do shit to me.. and believe me, the drugs weren't the problem (MDmA, XTC).

Last resort (for me) was to go to a trauma centrum, they again did a lot of interviews which was hard for me to do due to my memory, lack of feelings etc, to answer questions correctly.
Basically they told me they can't help me. Professionals doesn't know what the hell to do with this..
They diagnosed me with depersonalization (I already knew that) and the memory issues were due to attention disorder (ha! Serious?!) My lack of feelings they called 'some connections in you're brain are shut of'. Long story short : the advice was mindfulness and ACT (acceptance and comittment therapy). I told them that mindfulness doesn't work because my mind is already blank and empty, I don't have any emotions nor feelings I can be aware of when I am practicing mindfulness.. and.. Acceptance therapy??? I will NOT accept this!!

So. I decided to contact all the TMS clinics in the nederlands. Only 1 was willing to help me...

I have now completed 2 sessions and after the first session I noticed a veeeryy tiny difference in my memory. I could remember the day Before (what I did the day before.) That was new for me.. I still have every single symptom I wrote down in the link above BUT my memory really was improving, buy only 0.5 procent.

I had the second session yesterday. I didn't notice any difference. But in the evening I noticed I was more chatty, in a social way. I dont want to say I'm cured because man, I am even scared to say that I am chatty, because maby today I am not.. So i dont want to give myself the hope.. But.. Others around me notice something to. I just wanted to share this with you guys and Ill keep u updated.

They target the right DLPFC and the left DLPFC. We will do this for 5 times. If this isn't working they are willing to try the TPJ and VlPC, because I heard those areas are targeted (some successfully) also with DP.

Thanks for reading my story, all best of luck!
 

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Wow, interesting. I have similar experience as yours (well, except that I have incessant pointless mind chatter, rather than blank mind). But the drug responses (or lack thereof) and recommendations for therapies that have nothing to do with the actual problem, been there. Still, TMS is one therapy I haven't tried yet, and it might be interesting to give it a whirl (hell I've tried much crazier things). Just don't know where to get it in my area.

Keep us posted on your progress!
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I will update you guys! I have my next session Thursday, mostly I notice something 1 or 2 days after the treatment!
I still can't get drunk though, I tried it yesterday, I really had a lot of alcohol. Idk but I just try to do things I couldn't do before (like being drunk) to test myself, so I can see if it changed or not. Now, alcohol isn't a very good example but for me.. It kinda is. How the F is it possible to not get drunk. That's the question. Man I would be happy to get drunk again. And that's only 1 thing I could wish for. Maby sounds crazy..

But for now it's only the social part that made a huge difference in only 2 sessions.
 

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I will update you guys! I have my next session Thursday, mostly I notice something 1 or 2 days after the treatment!
I still can't get drunk though, I tried it yesterday, I really had a lot of alcohol. Idk but I just try to do things I couldn't do before (like being drunk) to test myself, so I can see if it changed or not. Now, alcohol isn't a very good example but for me.. It kinda is. How the F is it possible to not get drunk. That's the question. Man I would be happy to get drunk again. And that's only 1 thing I could wish for. Maby sounds crazy..

But for now it's only the social part that made a huge difference in only 2 sessions.
Keep us updated man, hopefully it helps after some sessions.. Same thing here with the alcohol/drugs, resently i drank ALOT when i hadnt touched alcohol for several months and ofc felt diffrent, but im still the same in my mind/vision, its so weird how little effect things have on you without any emotions.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Hello. My 3th treatment went a little bit different. After the treatment I felt a bit off. My vision was weird and it felt like I was drunk (only the vision not in my mind) I also felt like my hand weren't mine, and I felt anxiety a bit.... (1st time in this 10 months) so I was a bit scared to stay like this. But now after 2 days I feel a bit more like I felt before. I still have no feelings or anything but I still am more social so it looks like that stays. My memory was slightly worse.. I hope this will improve again a bit. Next week again a session!
 

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I had my 5th yesterday and I can say I improve more and more. Anhedonia still present. Feelings still numbed, but it's more then before. Also.. I even feel a little manic sometimes. It's so weird to experience this, because I had a blank mind.. A truly blank mind where I couldn't even communicate with people.. I didn't know what to say.. Why I had to talk.. Why I should shower.. Why should. I eat? Very very severe... Also my memory was shot. It was non existant.... And I'm getting my thoughts back.. And my memory is improving with 0.01 procent each day. So THERE IS HOPE! I really recommend TMS. If you knew me and know where I came from... Wow.. I really never have thought this would happen to me.. Really.. I was suicidal.. Very bad. I felt literally NOTHING. I still feel not much but.. This I really a dream come true. I know the struggle.. I really do and I must say.. Please.. Keep ya heads up...!!!!!!! ????

I am also medication free at this point for 3 days. Didn't do antything for me so I stopped.

You can also send me an email at [email protected] if you would like to.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Still alive an kicking... I'm. Doing almost 100 procent better. I would recommend everyone to do this. I can't say it will work for you but I am living proof that blank mind CAN BE CURED!!!!!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Hello.

I am back for now, because I want to say that I am still doing OK! I received a lot of emails, and I still do, to answer questions people want me to ask.

I've already helped 8 people with TMS.

I will not say TMS is key, because for some it didn't work, but it's worth the try if you already tried everything.

Any questions can me send to [email protected]

Have hope,

Inge (didi=nickname)
 
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