Some cycle was instituted when I lived 2 houses down from a lady and her boyfriend. I was 14 when the grooming conversational talk started. He was 26, and told me to feel comfortable, like I could trust him and kiss him when ever I felt like it. He would become a repetitive person interfering throughout my life.
From an even earlier age, my emotions were not easy for me to understand. I would grow so deep with the despair and leave my home not to come back. My parents were more embarrassed and angry with me, and moved me to another school. I was in 8th grade and had a lot of anger. I achieved in learning arts and athletics, and when it came to social matters I royally failed.
When I ended previous relationships that I had as a young adult I did it without any care or feeling. I had shared so much with him and we had lived together almost 2 years. I couldn't bear taking the the total loss of him, so I numbed myself and everyone else to me. I began drinking inside my apartment for over a month. The rage still came back, and my neighbor from 2 houses down found me once again.
He used me again at this point. I was gone from everything, and I did not care what happened to me because I felt like a Black hole. When I was being used like a ragdoll, I felt used and like a ragdoll. It was familiar I guess.
It has been a little over 3 years since he has been out of my life. Lately, I have had the emptiest hallow bouts of depression. The rage fueled urges have occured, but I have been keeping them to myself with meditation and self harm. I know it's not glamorously popular, but at least it's helping.
I think this is as much as I can handle for tonight.