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I think that this reality is one of the many realities. And its not good or bad..actually it probably have good reasons why. Okay..i cannot say this isnt bad. But more we doubt it more it just grows. We cannot really know what is it to be somewhere other than where we are right now. Even when we relax and think its better now..its probably not. Change is not necessenary very loud thing. I always forget everything when im in this state. And next state i forget all what there was. For me things seem very impossible. I think im destined to this very low state of living. Maybe i write this because im depersonalized and depressed....
I dont undertsand how this change happens. I dont see any doors open anywhere. I dont know what it mean to relax and focus. I always go back to this state where im trying to crasp something and then heres only thoughts. Something big have to happen. I dont really know. I just spend my days still. Because thats better than total chaos inside me. I have seen that things just go some way. When i walk in the streets im seeing how im creating everything but i dont wanna. Those are always things i really dont want. Things seems to be never satifying. Maybe because i have no idea how to be present. I can ve one moment. But when i start to do something im again living in my memory.
 

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I sometimes think that it must get better surely but then what if it's all going to go downhill and the best moments of our lives are in the past and even then I don't feel connected to it anymore so what even am I?
 

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I have just sso hard.... When im alone things are kind of better... But when im with others i feel like im acting. Im inside just full of hopelessness....i feel like im going deeper into my head. And just growing these feelings. But always same happens. Everyday im living only with these painful thoughts... Im watching it many different direction. Trying to get sense of it. But i just dont. Change is just so weird thing. It just doesent happen so easily.
 

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I have really found that this week, last weekend I was feeling so much better because I was thinking about how I'm going to get involved with people etc but now i think what's the point of talking to anyone if i don't feel connected to them and it just highlights how I feel different to before.
 

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"now i think what's the point of talking to anyone if i don't feel connected to them and it just highlights how I feel different to before."

Don't try. I realised lately that i need to connect myself with reality somehow. I don't know how yet but i FEEL it's the way. You should try it, THEN, when you feel enough grounded in reality, try to connect with people. Try to connect with people when you can't is just useless and frustration abound.

I'm just shooting in the dark but this is a gut feeling. Anyway, good luck :)
 

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You're welcome. And i understand that you don't want to be ostracized but people around you need to know and accept that you don't feel good right now and need their support or at least their comprehension. I made the same mystake as you before and it didn't help me at all. Trying to act like you're fine when you're not is a lot of energy wasted...So you better put your energy on feeling better before anything else, that's important :)

And to be precise on feeling better, i think that you have to be yourself the more possible, the goal is to find yourself, sort of. Well, that's what i'm working on right on. I"ve got a lot of confused feelings and thoughts and don't know where to go, so i follow my instincts. It's a thing people don't use enough, i think :)
 

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Yeah that's a good idea actually! The only problem is that I have to interact with people all the time at school:/ and I've only told one friend but I can work on it, good luck with following ur instincts I hope it will be successful:)
 
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