Thoughts

Ugh, so i'm getting the really bad thoughts again, about "how am I thinking what i'm thinking, how do i hear them, where do they come from?" I start to think about this and then I start to freak out thinking that I'll stop thinking somehow, and then I'll just crack and go insane or die. I'm worrying about schizophrenia again, sure that this is the prelude to it. I'm having really vivid dreams recently, so I'm sure that's a sign of something too. I know part of the problem is alcohol. I drink pretty much every other night, and I drink A LOT (like a 12 pack), but then I"ll have a bad day when I didn't drink the night before and think "what the hell, obviously its' not THAT." Sigh. I was feeling better for a while, but now i'm back down. I need a new therapist, i really think I do, but it's so damn hard to let him know that becuase he really likes me and I think he thinks he's helping me (because i'm not letting him know otherwiese). On the positive side, I may be getting a new job soon, as my current job is a major trigger for the dp.