I work in a grocery store. It's large, the lights are bad, and the management team is really starting to p*ss me off! Every day I work there I get madder and madder and hate it more and more. My new job would be in a resteraunt. I know it's hard work, but I would be able to actually stay busier the lighting is a lot better and I am friends with the managers there. My therapists thinks it's a good idea too.
Thoughts
Ugh, so i'm getting the really bad thoughts again, about "how am I thinking what i'm thinking, how do i hear them, where do they come from?" I start to think about this and then I start to freak out thinking that I'll stop thinking somehow, and then I'll just crack and go insane or die. I'm worrying about schizophrenia again, sure that this is the prelude to it. I'm having really vivid dreams recently, so I'm sure that's a sign of something too. I know part of the problem is alcohol. I drink pretty much every other night, and I drink A LOT (like a 12 pack), but then I"ll have a bad day when I didn't drink the night before and think "what the hell, obviously its' not THAT." Sigh. I was feeling better for a while, but now i'm back down. I need a new therapist, i really think I do, but it's so damn hard to let him know that becuase he really likes me and I think he thinks he's helping me (because i'm not letting him know otherwiese). On the positive side, I may be getting a new job soon, as my current job is a major trigger for the dp.
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I've been feeling kind of "trippy" all day, i dont' know how else to describe it. I was playing a video game and it is really overcast, and I looked outside, and i started freaking out about maybe not knowing what time it is and how it looked later than it is. Then I started thinking about my sight and how I see things, and i started to feel like everything looked funny and got panicky...lol i am a mess today. I feel like I'm constantly waiting for something, like waiting for something to happen, but I dont' know what. It's like I feel like my life is not really useful for anything, and i'm just waiting for the one thing that will make me feel good about myself and cured. It's odd, and very frustrating.
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