I hear you KC.
The family thing is a big issue with me as well. The fear and the muted emotions stifle and enrage me at the same time. I love my family more than anything but this disorder toys with me and it's not funny anymore. What pains me so deep is that feeling of despair when I look at my son and feel this invisible veil between us two that's numbing my emotions. For those who have children you understand the love you feel for them is incomprehensible. I know I love him but just can't FEEL that feeling like I use to. I know it's the fear but it just won't leave. And the motivation thing has also dwindled. I use to plan and look forward to so many things, but now, most of the time I just couldn't care less (well not entirely correct, I do care but lack the feeling that motivates me to do stuff). The only goal I have is to get through the working day without succumbing to the anxiety.
It's entirely normal to feel sorry for yourself, it's only human. Only if others could walk in our DP/DR shoes just for one day (one bad day) then they would truly understand how f****d life is with this disorder. If you were suffering form a physical illness your family would help and support you but with a mental disorder they tend to look at you as a party pooper, with the attitude of 'come on, snap out of it - get on with your life!'. And what makes it even worse for us is on the outside everything looks so normal, but inside were screaming with mental anguish which they don't see or understand. Just wanted to say that I know what your feeling. A lot of the details in your post I can totally relate to.
The family thing is a big issue with me as well. The fear and the muted emotions stifle and enrage me at the same time. I love my family more than anything but this disorder toys with me and it's not funny anymore. What pains me so deep is that feeling of despair when I look at my son and feel this invisible veil between us two that's numbing my emotions. For those who have children you understand the love you feel for them is incomprehensible. I know I love him but just can't FEEL that feeling like I use to. I know it's the fear but it just won't leave. And the motivation thing has also dwindled. I use to plan and look forward to so many things, but now, most of the time I just couldn't care less (well not entirely correct, I do care but lack the feeling that motivates me to do stuff). The only goal I have is to get through the working day without succumbing to the anxiety.
It's entirely normal to feel sorry for yourself, it's only human. Only if others could walk in our DP/DR shoes just for one day (one bad day) then they would truly understand how f****d life is with this disorder. If you were suffering form a physical illness your family would help and support you but with a mental disorder they tend to look at you as a party pooper, with the attitude of 'come on, snap out of it - get on with your life!'. And what makes it even worse for us is on the outside everything looks so normal, but inside were screaming with mental anguish which they don't see or understand. Just wanted to say that I know what your feeling. A lot of the details in your post I can totally relate to.
