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Thoughts about it all

506 Views 2 Replies 3 Participants Last post by  Milan
Well here I am first wanting to thank those who took the time to answer me in my post called SCARED...

As I mentioned there The doctor told me the palpatations I am having on and off are benign and he is adjusting my beta blocker to help reduce them.

I am tired now, because I spent so much energy worrying and not sleeping, wondering which way to turn , and thats why I wanted to post that it means so much to come to a place you can talk with people who care .

Some of my issues that have caused my dp/dr , the fact that my family doesn't take my anxiety serriously, that because I am not the same old fun loving guy I used to be, and hope to be again, it's like I am punished for that. I have no doubt that my wife and kids love me,but I don't seem to fit in like I used to with them. We don't interact the same, because I feel like a I am in a foreign land. I do try to focus outward and that helps and it was getting better before this heart palpatation thing. I miss being the guy I was though... The guy that felt so much about his family. I love them but some times I can't feel it... They used to respect me so much more when I wasn't full of anxiety, wasn't having heart palps, or issues with fear.. Not only that I know I respected myself more. I feel like I haven't a purpose or the once driven to succeed attitude or motivation just isn't there. How can others respect me when I don't like the person I am now, I look at myself as weak, as afraid and all these symptoms keep me down. At one point in my life I had a thriving computer business, and I had goals and desires and dreamed of my work when I slept at night. Now I feel so hollow , so vacant. even if I don't concentrate on the symptoms, I feel like I am going nowhere. I mean I felt better like symptom wise until this little set back. When I was at the beach and started feeling this way again it just reminded me of how I used to be, which frustrated me more. Damn It ,, I used to be the guy saying hey lets go out jet sking, lets go parasailing, lets rent a boat and go fishing. Now I am too F'ing scared of Heart Palps or what ever else might make me nervous. I am this neurotic shell of myself.

I know what your thinking lets have a pitty party for KC him feels sorry for himself...... Damn right I do feel sorry for myself and what I feel I have lost along the way... I want it back, I want it all back.. I want to be me without the freakin worry again. I want to boggie board on the ocean with my son and feel the spray of the sea foam with out worrying that something catostrophic either mentally or physically is going to happen to me.

When the Doctor said to me today, it is just some benign palpatations of the heart , he might has well have said I know what you are feeling but quit thinking about it and it will be better.

Sorry for the rant but nice to let off some steam here to... I was better two weeks ago and I know I will get better again..... I just didn't expect to feel so crappy again so soon.

thanks for listening ,,, you guys mean a lot to me
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I hear you KC.

The family thing is a big issue with me as well. The fear and the muted emotions stifle and enrage me at the same time. I love my family more than anything but this disorder toys with me and it's not funny anymore. What pains me so deep is that feeling of despair when I look at my son and feel this invisible veil between us two that's numbing my emotions. For those who have children you understand the love you feel for them is incomprehensible. I know I love him but just can't FEEL that feeling like I use to. I know it's the fear but it just won't leave. And the motivation thing has also dwindled. I use to plan and look forward to so many things, but now, most of the time I just couldn't care less (well not entirely correct, I do care but lack the feeling that motivates me to do stuff). The only goal I have is to get through the working day without succumbing to the anxiety.

It's entirely normal to feel sorry for yourself, it's only human. Only if others could walk in our DP/DR shoes just for one day (one bad day) then they would truly understand how f****d life is with this disorder. If you were suffering form a physical illness your family would help and support you but with a mental disorder they tend to look at you as a party pooper, with the attitude of 'come on, snap out of it - get on with your life!'. And what makes it even worse for us is on the outside everything looks so normal, but inside were screaming with mental anguish which they don't see or understand. Just wanted to say that I know what your feeling. A lot of the details in your post I can totally relate to.
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