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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Dear fellow DPers,

This is a post on what and how I am and how truly fucked we all are. Reading this isn't going to negate or take away any of your sufferings by any means but at the least you will feel you are not alone in this and we are all way too similar. Now straight to the matter:

I have the following symptoms(I'm not very good at describing symptoms technically like you guys actually. So forgive me :-o ):

1) Eye floaters, vision problems(such as dots)

2) Feel completely blank/empty/absolutely no thoughts whatsoever

3) Shaking all over the body/vibrations/tremors

4) Head tremors; especially while focusing

5) Unable to think/process thoughts/ grasp any information and comprehend things

6) Can't understand reading material, movies etc

7) Speech and language problems - stuttering, forgotten words with it their meanings, thinking for words etc

8) Very bad and irregular bowel movements and at times motion incontinence (on passing wind)

9) Simply weird and abnormal breathing patterns which are very problematic to handle

10) Very very poor moods, depression, anxiety ( guess that's a no-brainer!)

11) Electric shock like feel in the head, very much so while tilting

12) Feel like a zombie: No brain function, thoughts, emotions, memory nothing!!!!

13) Forgetting things thought of even a single second back (Yes you read that right!)

14) NIL cognition

15) Can't imagine, visualize or do any such mental activity.

16) Extreme weight gain ( Due to meds and junk food combined)

17) Feel demented. Quite literally.

18) Very bad tremors of the hand; evident while typing on a computer for example

19) Sever head tightness while trying to focus and do something seriously

I'm presently on the following meds:

Allopathic: Divalporex Sodium 1g, Modafinil 400mg, Donepezil 10mg, Omega3s, Vitamins and minerals such as Zinc and magnesium, Gabapentin 300, Olanzapine

Ayurvedic: Brahmi Capsules/ Brahmi Vati, avipattikar churna tablets(for the gut)

My Diagnosis: Depersonalization and that it is a psychogenic casualty. My previous treating psychiatrist was an absolute ass of a guy who put me on a combo of several antipsychotics all at once for several months and literally chemically lobotomized me (Loxapine was the poisonous antipsychotic(60mg) and Lurasidone in mild doses). I luckily had done several scans - MRIs, PET, EEGs, TRODAT, CT, Transcranial Doppler. The latest of my MRIs showed diffuse cerebral atrophy and white matter hyper-intensities, neurologists and radiologists had reviewed it and claim that the atrophy is insignificant and is improving over time. Presently, they are doing further evaluation and in detail by reviewing all the scans serially. I'll update you guys on it.

My Fears: That it is a neurodegenerative disorder, dementia to be specific. C'mon I have all that a demented person has!! So there is some rationale behind thinking that way. That my life is ending and it's going to kill me. Sometimes i do feel suicidal too, yes.

Love and Peace,

Sundar
 

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Every thing you describe I can relate to. How the hell I going to live like this...... I don't understand shit.. Got to pretent to be happy.. Or find something funny.. I asked for an mri and also asked if I have dementia. They laughed at me.. So...and Now? Is this my life now? I can't even work.. How do you work?
 

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I like your style and self-deprecating sense of humor Sundar. I find it truly ridiculous and tragic that your psychiatrist put you on an anti-psychotic dose so high that it left you with hand tremors like a Parkinson's patient. You should seriously file a lawsuit against his ass.

My MRI showed dilated perivascular spaces in the basal ganglia. This is consistent with mild brain damage and inflammatory changes in the brain in a young person. So now I have physical proof on why I literally can't think. There should be a group called "demented & in your 20s." I truly hope this is reversible.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
Firstly, thanks for the response and compliments Michelle. Much appreciated. Yes I should definitely go ahead and file a lawsuit against that bastard but unfortunately here in India the legal system is not great; it has many a loopholes. But then what it means is I could do stuff with those loopholes as well and get away Scott free. I definitely have brain damage, my doc says it's reversible completely or else I won't be the way I am now. Presently I'm being treated by the president of the international neuropsychiatric association. So I guess I can't ask for more. And you'll be ok Michelle. Pm me for anything.
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Didi, I see you are in Holland..well here in India anyone can take a MRI without any requests from a doctor. You can either come here for it if you desperately need one which would be too much of a task I understand or you could go to any nearby states in Europe itself where they offer such privileges.
 
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