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Guest
·I recently found the name of this disorder while reading a book called House of Leaves...amazing book by the way. I read it last year and while reading it a second time saw the word in a case study describing one of the characters...eventual depersonalization (being detached from oneself)...I saw this and a bell went off. This is exactly how I feel all of the time.
Unlike many people that have posted on this and other sites, I do not know what day this happened, I don't even know what year it began. I also know that while many tramatic events have happened in my life, I do not blame this disorder on any of those instances...this has been going on for a very long time. I recall being as young as 7-8 years and feeling that I was outside of my body, watching my life happen. Of course, all of the things that can occur in life did...parents divorced, father remarried crazy lady who then shot herself in the head, left in charge of half-sisters and brother, started drinking, having sex. These things made me who I am today, but did make me weird, depressed, suicidal. I have always been this way.
I do know I have smoked pot several times and this definately heightened the depersonalization, but I didn't start smoking pot until I was 20ish. I have only smoked pot and never done any other drugs, but when I did smoke (I no longer do it because of the effect it has on me) each time got worse than before. Feelings of extreme paranoia, heart racing, dizziness, thinking I am dying, numbness...not the usual side-effects of smoking.
I have tried to describe these feelings to my boyfriend and my mom, but there are not words that can accurately do that. It's out of body, I am watching myself live my life. There are feelings of immense dread sometimes, like I know something very bad is going to happen to me eventually. I have a horrible fear of death, and this affects everyday life. Sometimes I cannot eat because I fear not being able to swallow and then choking on the food (this has been the latest symptom).
During a normal conversation with someone i know very well I will suddenly be out-of-body (I can't think of other words to decribe this....I am not literally out-of-body, but it's like I am almost hovering above. It's like my body is still functioning but my mind has gone on to something else.) I will not be able to focus on what the person is saying, not be able to hear them clearly. I am thinking "who is this person? I don't really know them, this person is living an entirely separate existance from me" It's scary.
I can see myself, I can see my thoughts, sometimes my thoughts are deafening or my senses are on overdrive especially what I hear and smell.
I think "who am I, why am I here"? Here on earth, but also here int his apartment, office, etc. I am so lonely sometimes, letting my thoughts get the best of me.
No one understands this, it's hard for me to be happy sometimes. I have been on Zoloft for depression/panic attacks-also indescribable to someone that hasn't experienced them (also, I feel important to say, that depression and panic attacks were self-diagnosed. I told the doctor "I am getting panic attacks, I think I should go on Zoloft" and he said "OK") I stopped taking them, I think they make the depersonaliztion worse.
Finally writing this has not helped, made me more confused, frustrated, alone. Oh well.
Unlike many people that have posted on this and other sites, I do not know what day this happened, I don't even know what year it began. I also know that while many tramatic events have happened in my life, I do not blame this disorder on any of those instances...this has been going on for a very long time. I recall being as young as 7-8 years and feeling that I was outside of my body, watching my life happen. Of course, all of the things that can occur in life did...parents divorced, father remarried crazy lady who then shot herself in the head, left in charge of half-sisters and brother, started drinking, having sex. These things made me who I am today, but did make me weird, depressed, suicidal. I have always been this way.
I do know I have smoked pot several times and this definately heightened the depersonalization, but I didn't start smoking pot until I was 20ish. I have only smoked pot and never done any other drugs, but when I did smoke (I no longer do it because of the effect it has on me) each time got worse than before. Feelings of extreme paranoia, heart racing, dizziness, thinking I am dying, numbness...not the usual side-effects of smoking.
I have tried to describe these feelings to my boyfriend and my mom, but there are not words that can accurately do that. It's out of body, I am watching myself live my life. There are feelings of immense dread sometimes, like I know something very bad is going to happen to me eventually. I have a horrible fear of death, and this affects everyday life. Sometimes I cannot eat because I fear not being able to swallow and then choking on the food (this has been the latest symptom).
During a normal conversation with someone i know very well I will suddenly be out-of-body (I can't think of other words to decribe this....I am not literally out-of-body, but it's like I am almost hovering above. It's like my body is still functioning but my mind has gone on to something else.) I will not be able to focus on what the person is saying, not be able to hear them clearly. I am thinking "who is this person? I don't really know them, this person is living an entirely separate existance from me" It's scary.
I can see myself, I can see my thoughts, sometimes my thoughts are deafening or my senses are on overdrive especially what I hear and smell.
I think "who am I, why am I here"? Here on earth, but also here int his apartment, office, etc. I am so lonely sometimes, letting my thoughts get the best of me.
No one understands this, it's hard for me to be happy sometimes. I have been on Zoloft for depression/panic attacks-also indescribable to someone that hasn't experienced them (also, I feel important to say, that depression and panic attacks were self-diagnosed. I told the doctor "I am getting panic attacks, I think I should go on Zoloft" and he said "OK") I stopped taking them, I think they make the depersonaliztion worse.
Finally writing this has not helped, made me more confused, frustrated, alone. Oh well.
