[Paradoxicalvoid]

Greetings everyone. This is my first post so i hope i'm doing this right. I've hovered on here for a while beforehand reading posts though. I want to know if anyone else relates to this.

As the title suggests, i don't feel this is all just mental. It feels my whole consciousness, being, soul, and/or essence or whatever it is, is doing something completely unnatural/something i cant even understand or comprehend. When i read dp/dr symptoms or any other dissociation things, i'm convinced that the symptoms i'm experiencing are much different than words could ever truly describe. I'm trying my best right now but its very difficult. When i read stuff like "it feels i'm in a different world or in a dream" i feel like my version is way more literal or something because its so much more than that and i know that sounds shallow because it seems i'm dismissing others feelings but that's not my intent, i just only have my OWN perspective to go off of and it literally feels like i left the world/reality i knew my whole life and as a child and its been replaced with whatever this disturbing reality is. I question whether this is all in my head or if i'm projecting everything i'm viewing and interacting with.

I've noticed feelings change over time. Some leave only to be replaced with something else. Once i come to accept a certain feeling like for example, not recognizing myself in the mirror, something new takes its place. I also fear that if this is JUST a mental illness, i will never forget this or how its impacted me and even if i return to my original state, ill still be impacted by this because i see it as unseeable and unforgettable. When i read peoples' recovery stories, i don't understand what they mean that its simply "gone" because i don't know how i could forget this. Its like everything that made up my living experience and perceiving the world is now a whole new way of experiencing it all. Everything is different on a completely new scale that i never thought was possible.

This is weird but for a while i had a deep depression with this stuff as well and my emotions, feelings, everything was gone. I had no interest in anything because i thought of it all as not real. Because all the real stuff was somewhere else or possible never existed in the first place and i "woke up finally". Regardless, this actually went away...i think.

Here's one of my main issues right now. I keep thinking i'm getting "better" but i'm not sure if i'm really feeling things genuinely or if i'm trying hard to enjoy things to the point where i THINK i'm enjoying it but i'm really not??? My consciousness has played me for so long now with all this shit and playing tricks on me that i cant even tell if i'm really better or now because i'm used to not understanding whats actually going on. I cant trust my own mind anymore and its just devastating...

Another issue i HAD but still impacts me now was a constant questioning of everything. By everything, i mean EVERYTHING. I questioned why the universe exists, how it exists and its reason for being here. Reason why concepts like a creator, such as God would exist too. Who created God? and at that point, it just turns into a concept of infinity which is too hard to wrap my mind around. This eventually calmed down and now these questions hardly ever cross my mind, at least compared to a literal 24/7 all day frequency. I'm not even sure how i got it to stop. Maybe i just became less interested. Point is, the EFFECT it left on me is still there. I have very unsettled feelings about my own existence. I cant even comprehend i exist, i mean, how is that even possible to think about yourself?

Visually, it feels like i am just a screen that has the ability to move and see things. Some people have also described "it feels like i'm just floating eyeballs with thoughts" and that also applies to this feeling. When i interact with things with my body, it either feels automatic, like i'm not doing it or willing it, OR sometimes i'm overly aware i'm moving an appendage and it scares me, like i'm a robot that's suddenly become self aware.

I'm so confused if i'm really living again or not. Recently, I've reached a "tolerable" level to all this but i still feel different. I get so confused when i'm, say, playing a video game. I've been playing a few recently and am highly enjoying them(i think?), to an obsessive extent which isn't new for my personality but its weird because i'm still feeling dp/dr symptoms and i don't know if i'm really feeling all this joy, like its fake or exaggerated. Same thing goes with interacting with people and even my dog and cat. I cant tell if i'm feeling the same as i did before, as if i cant remember myself. Weird thing is, my social life is BLOOMING and i even made a new friend but the whole time i felt like my old self is my autopilot and was taking care of socializing and i'm just experiencing the outcome, like i'm not even present when it happens. I even hold romantic feelings for someone still, even after all these dp/dr feelings that i guess laid dormant untill my feeling came back and i still cant tell if those are genuine either or not. I cant tell if anythings real, even my own thoughts or feelings.

I'm beginning to see the world less unreal the past month but because its always a feeling i feel everyday, i cant help but feel its significant and must mean its true; that nothing around me is the real deal and doesn't exist. I dont know how to make this go away or if its even possible to forget about this and "recover".

 

[Justjthom]

Same. And I've already been through it once but I don't know how. I feel like if I let go and believe it's all real, then I'm betraying the true reality and I'll be stuck in the unreal forever unknowingly.

I know it sounds weird.

 

[CamiCat]

This is exactly how I feel.

It's like I'm behind my eyes watching things that seem fake and controlling a body which is not mine.

Trying to cope and living my life, but sometimes I've some random glimpses of hyper awareness when I sudden realize that I'm Alive in this body, and I freak out,because I don't know who I am and why I'm in this human form.

It's totally nonsense. Fucking anxiety!!!

 

[Paradoxicalvoid]

This is exactly how I feel.

It's like I'm behind my eyes watching things that seem fake and controlling a body which is not mine.

Trying to cope and living my life, but sometimes I've some random glimpses of hyper awareness when I sudden realize that I'm Alive in this body, and I freak out,because I don't know who I am and why I'm in this human form.

It's totally nonsense. Fucking anxiety!!!

Its hard to believe for some people its just from anxiety. I had years of awful panic disorder but the panicking and anxiety stopped mostly the last couple months so i dont know why i still have dpdr when my anixetys mostly gone unless its just a part of me now.... I dont even know whats going on anymore. I just want my old self and world back. Im afraid to be alive/to exist and at the same time fear death more than anything.

 

[Paradoxicalvoid]

Same. And I've already been through it once but I don't know how. I feel like if I let go and believe it's all real, then I'm betraying the true reality and I'll be stuck in the unreal forever unknowingly.

I know it sounds weird.

I think i know what you mean. I feel like every time I've found myself living life forgetting the dp there's a strange feeling that its too important to forget. Like its dangerous to forget it or something. Maybe its because i feel like if i forget, it'll come back one day and hit me hard and i don't want to go through it all again. That being said, i have had alot of times where I've completely ignored or forgotten the dp/dr for a couple hours and sometimes it comes back with a vengence.

 

[DerealizedDutchie]

Its hard to believe for some people its just from anxiety. I had years of awful panic disorder but the panicking and anxiety stopped mostly the last couple months so i dont know why i still have dpdr when my anixetys mostly gone unless its just a part of me now.... I dont even know whats going on anymore. I just want my old self and world back. Im afraid to be alive/to exist and at the same time fear death more than anything.

Wow, this could've been me who typed this. I can literally resonate with every single word.

I'm also at the point now where i'm asking myself: ''okay, i've had severe anxiety but i'm not anxious anymore so why am i still living inside this nightmare?''

By the way, the thing i fear more than death is having to live like this for the rest of my life. Death is on a steady #2.

But then again, we could be asking ourselves: why do we fear death if we say we're not anxious anymore..

I literally cannot get out of the loop this time and i dont know how to beat my fears of dying.

 

[CamiCat]

Guys, it doesn't matter if your anxiety already subsided. Our brains are stuck in a "defense mode" (causes can be different: for me was high stress and a breakdown, for others could be a single panic attack or a trauma etc.), it's chemical. It's actually an altered perception of ourselves and of the reality. My psychiatrist explained this to me and he's very familiar with dp.
So if you're not feeling anxious right now, doesn't mean your brain has already healed. I already had dp back in 2011. I completely recovered but I remember it took time to go away entirely. I felt good, no anxiety at all, but dp was still there in the background.
Not to mention the intrusive thoughts : they're fueled by anxiety!

It takes time. What worked for me to cope was a low dose of ssri which allowed me to distract and lowered my obsessions (existential obsessions were my worst nightmare)

 

[CamiCat]

Wow, this could've been me who typed this. I can literally resonate with every single word.

I'm also at the point now where i'm asking myself: ''okay, i've had severe anxiety but i'm not anxious anymore so why am i still living inside this nightmare?''

By the way, the thing i fear more than death is having to live like this for the rest of my life. Death is on a steady #2.

But then again, we could be asking ourselves: why do we fear death if we say we're not anxious anymore..

I literally cannot get out of the loop this time and i dont know how to beat my fears of dying.

Because you're still anxious! Otherwise that thought wouldn't be so aggressive and scary! Trust me. It's like a DOC. You cannot have Doc without anxiety, because it's by definition a disorder from anxiety spectrum.