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My name's Jordan. My battle with DP started about two years ago after a series of panic attacks. I had been dealing with a lot of stuff. My brother's death, my shitty job, and the fact that I couldn't to go to art school with my friends all kind of just culminated in this storm of emotions I couldn't deal with. Plus I wasn't going to therapy like I should have or seeking any psychiatric help. My brain just began shutting down.
The first thing I started noticing was poobrain. It was like my head was full of pancake batter. I couldn't remember anything and when stuff did come in it was all random and had no bearing on what I was doing at the moment. My perception was off too. I remember getting dizzy spells.
The doctor's put me on a bunch of meds. Most of that year was a blur. I was in and out of hospitals and when I was at home I'd sit huddled up in my room and look up stuff on the internet. I'd basically spend most of my time worrying and it started getting really bad because of it.
Then it happened. After my fourth trip to the hospital the doctor who was in charge decided to rip me off my meds cold turkey. 2000mg of Depakote, 300mg of Lamictal, and 900mg of Neurontin to nothing. I thought I'd gone insane. For two weeks I did not sleep. I shook, I laughed maniacally, and cried. I thought my brain was destroyed. I lied to the doctors so they'd release me and that night I drove my truck up into the woods and left it there. I figured I wouldn't need it anymore.
So I tried to kill myself. It didn't work. The cops found my truck and found me passed out on the ground after trying to sever my wrist with an exacto-knife. They got me to the hospital right away. It was messy but I lived.
My family was pretty shooken up by this. Especially my mom, who'd already lost one child. So they sent me back to the psyche-hospital. As the withdrawals began subsiding, I started sleeping again and after about a week they released me.
The 2 months after this went by quickly. I was off just about all my meds except Lamictal which is for my bipolar. And I started making huge strides toward recovery. After going through all that shit, I guess life just seemed more precious. I began taking long walks, exercising, and even began talking to people. Life dramatically improved.
So a couple months had passed since then. I stated drawing again and even fell in love. For the first time in a long time I felt happy.
But... unfortunately happiness is fleeting.
I attempted a cooking job at a T&A truck-stop. Which I guess I should've thought twice about cuz I'd never cooked before but I needed the money so I was like "Why not?" Well, it sucked. I was the only cook and basically had to run an entire waffle-house style restaurant by myself. I tried really hard but old problems began sneaking up on me. I could not remember shit for the life of me. And when 5 tickets would come up at once I'd just freeze up and the manager would have to come help. He, of course, yelled at me, called me stupid and made me feel like garbage everytime this would happen. I eventually got tired of it and left.
Shortly afterward, I started having a lot of trouble sleeping. My boyfriend would lay next to me in bed and would fall asleep almost instantly, yet it be noon the next day and I'd still be awake. Because of this I began napping during the day and drinking a lot of coffee. I eventually went to the doctor and he wanted to put me back on Zyprexa, an antipsychotic, for sleep. I should've known this was a bad idea. I told the doctor about my dp and the incident I had. He told me it was all in my head. Plus, I was so tired I didn't care.
So he started me on Zyprexa. I did okay for about a week. Was sleeping fantastic. But I accidently missed a dose one night as I was constantly going back in forth from people's houses and couldn't remember where I put it. So I went for two days without and began going through withdrawal for some reason. When I got back I immediently took it. After that, things got fuzzy. I slept for 14+ hours. When I woke up the dp was back and in full force. This caused me to freak out and I had an awful panic attack.
So I stopped Zyprexa. For two weeks I had absolutely no problem. Was sleeping and everything. and then my anxiety started getting bad for no reason. And dp started creeping back in.
So I've stopped one med and started another since then. But now the DP is bad. Like really bad. My doctor has told me my meds have no reason for doing that. But I'm beginning to feel like doctor's don't know shit about this disorder and it's all just a big guessing game. All I know is I'm tired. I was doing so much better. It makes me angry cuz I feel like I screwed myself over by taking zyprexa. I think I'm gonna go off my meds for a while and see if it gets better. But the problem is is that without some meds, I have the same sleep problems. I just don't know what to do. It seems like with everything it just gets worst. What did I do last time that I'm not doing this time. I try going for walks and exercising, reading books, and Nothing....Nothing works!
I guess this'll probably always be a constant pain in my ass...
The first thing I started noticing was poobrain. It was like my head was full of pancake batter. I couldn't remember anything and when stuff did come in it was all random and had no bearing on what I was doing at the moment. My perception was off too. I remember getting dizzy spells.
The doctor's put me on a bunch of meds. Most of that year was a blur. I was in and out of hospitals and when I was at home I'd sit huddled up in my room and look up stuff on the internet. I'd basically spend most of my time worrying and it started getting really bad because of it.
Then it happened. After my fourth trip to the hospital the doctor who was in charge decided to rip me off my meds cold turkey. 2000mg of Depakote, 300mg of Lamictal, and 900mg of Neurontin to nothing. I thought I'd gone insane. For two weeks I did not sleep. I shook, I laughed maniacally, and cried. I thought my brain was destroyed. I lied to the doctors so they'd release me and that night I drove my truck up into the woods and left it there. I figured I wouldn't need it anymore.
So I tried to kill myself. It didn't work. The cops found my truck and found me passed out on the ground after trying to sever my wrist with an exacto-knife. They got me to the hospital right away. It was messy but I lived.
My family was pretty shooken up by this. Especially my mom, who'd already lost one child. So they sent me back to the psyche-hospital. As the withdrawals began subsiding, I started sleeping again and after about a week they released me.
The 2 months after this went by quickly. I was off just about all my meds except Lamictal which is for my bipolar. And I started making huge strides toward recovery. After going through all that shit, I guess life just seemed more precious. I began taking long walks, exercising, and even began talking to people. Life dramatically improved.
So a couple months had passed since then. I stated drawing again and even fell in love. For the first time in a long time I felt happy.
But... unfortunately happiness is fleeting.
I attempted a cooking job at a T&A truck-stop. Which I guess I should've thought twice about cuz I'd never cooked before but I needed the money so I was like "Why not?" Well, it sucked. I was the only cook and basically had to run an entire waffle-house style restaurant by myself. I tried really hard but old problems began sneaking up on me. I could not remember shit for the life of me. And when 5 tickets would come up at once I'd just freeze up and the manager would have to come help. He, of course, yelled at me, called me stupid and made me feel like garbage everytime this would happen. I eventually got tired of it and left.
Shortly afterward, I started having a lot of trouble sleeping. My boyfriend would lay next to me in bed and would fall asleep almost instantly, yet it be noon the next day and I'd still be awake. Because of this I began napping during the day and drinking a lot of coffee. I eventually went to the doctor and he wanted to put me back on Zyprexa, an antipsychotic, for sleep. I should've known this was a bad idea. I told the doctor about my dp and the incident I had. He told me it was all in my head. Plus, I was so tired I didn't care.
So he started me on Zyprexa. I did okay for about a week. Was sleeping fantastic. But I accidently missed a dose one night as I was constantly going back in forth from people's houses and couldn't remember where I put it. So I went for two days without and began going through withdrawal for some reason. When I got back I immediently took it. After that, things got fuzzy. I slept for 14+ hours. When I woke up the dp was back and in full force. This caused me to freak out and I had an awful panic attack.
So I stopped Zyprexa. For two weeks I had absolutely no problem. Was sleeping and everything. and then my anxiety started getting bad for no reason. And dp started creeping back in.
So I've stopped one med and started another since then. But now the DP is bad. Like really bad. My doctor has told me my meds have no reason for doing that. But I'm beginning to feel like doctor's don't know shit about this disorder and it's all just a big guessing game. All I know is I'm tired. I was doing so much better. It makes me angry cuz I feel like I screwed myself over by taking zyprexa. I think I'm gonna go off my meds for a while and see if it gets better. But the problem is is that without some meds, I have the same sleep problems. I just don't know what to do. It seems like with everything it just gets worst. What did I do last time that I'm not doing this time. I try going for walks and exercising, reading books, and Nothing....Nothing works!
I guess this'll probably always be a constant pain in my ass...
