HOLY COW!!!! you explained EVERYTHING- EXACTLY EVERYTHING I FEEL !Okay, so I have been following this site for a couple of months, but I am just now a member on here to make this post. Okay, so here is my story. Basically, my DP started 4 months ago after a very traumatic experience with weed. I had taken a caffeine pill right before smoking. Well, I got VERY high. All of a sudden I started feeling like I had stepped outside of my body and I was walking and felt like I was teleporting wherever I walked. For example, I would be on one corner of the room and all of a sudden be on the other corner of the room and had no idea how I got there or remember getting there. I had a terrible panic attack because I was CONVINCED I was dying. I was driven to the hospital and had a heart rate of 160 for 5 hours where they also gave me beta blockers and Ativan. They tested me and the weed was not laced with anything(I questioned this at first.) I woke up the next morning after this and everything seemed extremely weird and fake. I started freaking out so I drove to my girlfriends house. When I got there I had another panic attack and continued to have like 20 panic attacks every day after that until about a month ago. I also originally looked up on the Internet the day after I smoked "high day after smoking" and I came across this fugging website. I diagnosed myself with depersonalization that day. And I wish I never would have googled anything or read this fugging website because I began experiencing suddenly every symptom of depersonalization that I read people have dealt with. I spent 5 to 6 hours a day on this website. Well the past 4 months have been HELL but now I actually feel I have recovered from depersonalization, but things still seem a little weird.
Before I begin this next part, I will just say my biggest fear ever that I developed about 4 months ago was of getting schizophrenia or any other type of psychosis. Okay, the FEELING of depersonalization is gone, but the thinking is still there. I feel completely real, my surroundings feel completely real, but I have these 24/7 irrational obsessing thoughts like these: "is he feeling is really gone or if I just got used to it" "am I really controlling my body or is someone else" "how do I think naturally" "what if life is just a dream" "what if I'm still depersonalized but don't know it" "are we just electrical impulses in out brain?" and all these existential bullshit thoughts questioning existence and philosophizing about everything. Remember I don't FEEL any of these I just think these thoughts.
Now, here are some of the things I'm FEELING now that are driving me crazy. I keep having thoughts of "am I really controlling myself" and I keep continuously obsessing about this thought and start to actually feel like I'm not controlling myself, my words, or my actions. I constantly question everything I do. I will walk into a room and question I did that, I will think a thought and question why I had that thought, I will talk and question why I said that. I also feel like Life is so weird now. I feel like I don't know how to live now or how to "think" now or how to just live naturally. After getting over the feeling of depersonalization, I have this extremely numb feeling and can't concentrate. I can't feel ANY emotion. Not sadness not happiness. My girlfriend of 5 years whom I fell in love with could die and I wouldn't feel a thing. I can't connect with anyone emotionally. And lastly, the most disabling feeling of them all, I feel like I have lost myself completely and have absolutely no idea who I am. I feel like I am completely a different person than before all this and I mean completely. This feeling causes me to think I'm still depersonalized and don't know it because I honestly don't feel like I'm "William" when I say my name. I feel like I am someone else. Could this all be depression from the result of going through something so hard as depersonalization? All these feelings and thoughts make me believe I am suffering from some form of psychosis.
So my questions go out to the recovered, is this just a part of getting back to living normally again? How long will I feel this crap? Could it just be depression? Am I going schizophrenic? Do I just have high anxiety? Am I still experiencing depersonalization? How do you live naturally after experiencing depersonalization which made you feel so disconnected from reality? How do I get over these thoughts???!?!! *most important question. Are the feelings i listed normal? I just need help. I feel if I get over this last lingering crap I will be back to myself.
If this is all just lingering depression, are there any supplements that you would recommend to help me get through this? I am completely opposed to medication due to a HORRIBLE reaction to taking it which caused DP to worsen. Thanks guys. God bless you all. The same site that I put a little blame for making me obsess over depersonalization is the same site that I now love because of the amazing community on here.