Depersonalization Support Forum banner

1 - 8 of 8 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
We are nothing but empty machines following our genetic programming and our environment programming. This is what science and buddhism have proven to be true. We have no self. It is a lie. I tried so hard to find counter arguments to this but found none. It is the truth. We are nothing but soulless copycats that just copy what other biological machines do. We have no originality. We just copy. Originality is also a lie. We copy behaviors from our parents and friends. We do not originate. We are nothing.

This realization leaves me feeling nothing but hollow emptiness. I don't know how or why to bother continue existing in this world. I do not really exist. I'm a just a machine just like everyone else. I have been near emotionless for many years. The only time I feel something more than a slight ring of emotion is when I take Ambien at night to help me sleep. For some reason Ambien gives feelings back to me and it feels good but I can't abuse medicine that is meant to make me fall asleep.

Even if I had my feelings back it would not help me cope with the illusion of the self. I would still be a hollow machine following programming. And as for individuality, as I said nothing we do is original. We need other biological machines to survive. No man is an island. And so we conform to society and relationships and lose ourselves in them. We are basically a hive mind. We don't exist as individuals, we are components to a superorganism known as humanity.

I have been awakened to the reality of existence and now I just want to sleep. Sleep is the only time I am at peace and feel something.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
631 Posts
You say that this realization leaves you feeling nothing but hollow emptiness. Is that the truth, or could it be that you were already feeling hollow emptiness, which is what led you into looking into this topic?

I'm not trying to be a jerk here, I've just noticed that more often than not (especially with DP sufferers) the emptiness comes first.

You also say you can't abuse medicine that was meant to help you sleep, but I have to disagree with how you are looking at this. There are a lot of medicines that were invented for one issue but turned out to work better for another (viagra is probably the most famous example). The notion that Ambiem is indicated for insomnia is not a scientific truth, it's a marketing scheme. I don't see any problem with you using it for another purpose if it helps with that purpose.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
39 Posts
Discussion Starter · #3 ·
I think the emptiness may have come first but it is exaggerated by these ideas floating in my mind.

And I can't abuse the Ambien because it makes me sleepy. It may make me feel good for 5 to 10 minutes before I fall asleep but then I will succumb to the sedative part.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
818 Posts
I have been down this Buddhist part. I agree to some degree that the self is an illusion. But it is also a great tool as is the mind. Over use of it creates narcissism and over use of the mind leads to many things ocd, anxiety etc.

The sense of self is a great tool though without it there is no language or labels for anything. There is just this. You need the object subject relationship and you still have this it is just partially shut down due to the stress response. It is a necessary tool and really we need medication in a lot of cases to turn that network back on. To feel, to bring our senses into one unified experience, to have a story and meaning in life. I have started imipramine at the beginning of this year, it is helping slowly. You should consider medication
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
47 Posts
We are nothing but empty machines following our genetic programming and our environment programming. This is what science and buddhism have proven to be true. We have no self. It is a lie. I tried so hard to find counter arguments to this but found none. It is the truth. We are nothing but soulless copycats that just copy what other biological machines do. We have no originality. We just copy. Originality is also a lie. We copy behaviors from our parents and friends. We do not originate. We are nothing.

This realization leaves me feeling nothing but hollow emptiness. I don't know how or why to bother continue existing in this world. I do not really exist. I'm a just a machine just like everyone else. I have been near emotionless for many years. The only time I feel something more than a slight ring of emotion is when I take Ambien at night to help me sleep. For some reason Ambien gives feelings back to me and it feels good but I can't abuse medicine that is meant to make me fall asleep.

Even if I had my feelings back it would not help me cope with the illusion of the self. I would still be a hollow machine following programming. And as for individuality, as I said nothing we do is original. We need other biological machines to survive. No man is an island. And so we conform to society and relationships and lose ourselves in them. We are basically a hive mind. We don't exist as individuals, we are components to a superorganism known as humanity.

I have been awakened to the reality of existence and now I just want to sleep. Sleep is the only time I am at peace and feel something.
This does reads to me like you're sleep deprived.

Yes, your DP is going to cause existential ruminations, and sleep deprivation is going to make them worse because it further f**ks up the lense you through which view the world through.

If it makes you feel better...

A - there's people who are way smarter than you or I who spend their entire lives debating these ideas - which means there's still an argument on whichever side you hope is true.

B - there's no way to prove any of it, it's beyond our capacity - so it's like a dog barking at waves because it doesn't understand the ocean.

I had existential ruminations about time, existence, and free will - and eventually when I got all the planets aligned in my head (via getting my panic disorder and DP under control by learning anxiety coping mechanisms) so I was functioning like a human again, I just came to believe in duality and just stopped trying to understand things - because in addition to the two points above, it's a little tiring and futile.

By duality I mean... things are, and they aren't at the same time.

Yes we're a superorganism, but you're also an individual.

Yes, you're both insignificant, but also incredibly important.

It's like the yin yang - is it black with a white dot or white with a black dot... it's both at the same time.

Everyone wonders about these existential questions, it's what helps find your own "individual" meaning - but it is only useful if it's not spiraling rumination.

I believe wondering about these things from an un-anxious mind produces feelings of wonder, awe, and creativity.

From the anxious mind we get nihilism and rumination. And really that's because a mind in panic has no use for pondering the most complex questions we'll never be able to know - but since there's no tiger chasing you and you're probably a very intelligent individual (I can tell because those who tend toward philosophic rumination tend to be) you've now confused the wires in your brain and ascribed your anxiety to the next thing you fear the most - and that's these deeper questions all humans have a little anxiety about (but a "normal" healthy creative inspiring amount.)

Anyway... I guess I'm just rambling.

Get some rest man.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
445 Posts
I struggle with this too, it has become so intense that it is with me all day. I wish there was a way to avoid falling down this hole but i havent found the rope to climb out yet. Everything i do, i realised im just trapped into following a pre-programmed route of action that I don't really have choice over.

Ive been trying to tell myself its just a feeling, that the loss of self i feel is just a feeling and that regaining the 'self', if and when i do, is also another feeling. When i recovered from dp before i thought i could take on anything but then dp comes in sideways again and gets me every time.

Im sure all this shit will be a great talking point at a dinner party in years to come
 
1 - 8 of 8 Posts
Top