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13 Posts
For just under six years now, the reality I live in has become a perceptual kaleidoscope of strange atmospheric distortions and sensations that defy my understanding of the human brain. DPDR in its purest literary form has been something I have dealt with previously, but the symptoms I currently struggle with started briefly after withdrawing from Klonopin. I have written on here before about these feelings, but so far have not come to find a way to control them, or at least suffer less.
Today, for example, is a cloudy winter day here in New England. It's been sleeting and foggy since late morning, the sky a stark, unchanging white. On days like this especially, the world that I live in FEELS like navigating through some post-war dystopian landscape. All visual stimuli evokes in me an eerie, visceral response that can only be understood by those who have felt it. I know where I am, and that this dissociative shield of otherworldly-ness is nothing but that, but it is inescapable...omnipresent. My house isn't my home. I miss simply being able to feel comfortable in my own bed. I miss the way my neighborhood used to feel. It's strange, because underneath it all, I can still see the "real" world. I know its there, hiding under this nauseating shadow. How can I explain living in two separate states of reality at once? I don't know.
I so desperately wish I could escape from underneath this alien hue that I am trapped under. Each new day feels like a different bad acid trip. I am tired of waking up into a world painted in strokes of unfamiliarity and blanketed with the ghosts of old dreams and obscure memories that should have been long forgotten. Part of me feels like posting this is pointless, that I am insane in my own twisted way that will never be understood by anyone else..not by science nor by anyone on this forum, that this is it for me. I know this is not true, however. As hard as it is for me to articulate these alien sensations of my dissociative brain, I have met plenty of you that have shared with me similar stories. I know that I am highly intuitive and articulate, and that by utilizing these qualities I can help someone else who maybe hasn't found the words to describe their experience. And this isn't the end for me...I will not go down without a good fight.
Through a painstaking search I have acquired a dissociative specialist who is working with me to find the answers. We have come to a conclusion that this experience for me is a result of trauma, chronic sleep deprivation, and possibly some other neurological factor. She describes my symptoms as living in a waking "hypnogogic" state. We are looking for ways to close that door, while in the meantime exploring and ruling out those possible neurological/physical causes. I will be in contact with doctors this week to undergo testing to detect any abnormalities or changes in my brain, such as a tumor or some sort of partial-lobe epilepsy (not insisting this is something I, or the vast majority of those on this forum have of course). A hands on, proactive approach to this brings me some comfort.
Persevering.
Any similar stories or words of encouragement are always welcome. Keep fighting.
Today, for example, is a cloudy winter day here in New England. It's been sleeting and foggy since late morning, the sky a stark, unchanging white. On days like this especially, the world that I live in FEELS like navigating through some post-war dystopian landscape. All visual stimuli evokes in me an eerie, visceral response that can only be understood by those who have felt it. I know where I am, and that this dissociative shield of otherworldly-ness is nothing but that, but it is inescapable...omnipresent. My house isn't my home. I miss simply being able to feel comfortable in my own bed. I miss the way my neighborhood used to feel. It's strange, because underneath it all, I can still see the "real" world. I know its there, hiding under this nauseating shadow. How can I explain living in two separate states of reality at once? I don't know.
I so desperately wish I could escape from underneath this alien hue that I am trapped under. Each new day feels like a different bad acid trip. I am tired of waking up into a world painted in strokes of unfamiliarity and blanketed with the ghosts of old dreams and obscure memories that should have been long forgotten. Part of me feels like posting this is pointless, that I am insane in my own twisted way that will never be understood by anyone else..not by science nor by anyone on this forum, that this is it for me. I know this is not true, however. As hard as it is for me to articulate these alien sensations of my dissociative brain, I have met plenty of you that have shared with me similar stories. I know that I am highly intuitive and articulate, and that by utilizing these qualities I can help someone else who maybe hasn't found the words to describe their experience. And this isn't the end for me...I will not go down without a good fight.
Through a painstaking search I have acquired a dissociative specialist who is working with me to find the answers. We have come to a conclusion that this experience for me is a result of trauma, chronic sleep deprivation, and possibly some other neurological factor. She describes my symptoms as living in a waking "hypnogogic" state. We are looking for ways to close that door, while in the meantime exploring and ruling out those possible neurological/physical causes. I will be in contact with doctors this week to undergo testing to detect any abnormalities or changes in my brain, such as a tumor or some sort of partial-lobe epilepsy (not insisting this is something I, or the vast majority of those on this forum have of course). A hands on, proactive approach to this brings me some comfort.
Persevering.
Any similar stories or words of encouragement are always welcome. Keep fighting.
