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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been on the periphery of this cite for close to a year. Checking in occassionally, maybe reading a testimony, logging off, forgetting it, not changing. Maybe I felt that to post meant to admit to myself I have a problem that I can't fully control. It's a tough first step. So..

Hey, my name is Keat and I have DP.

I've had it since my sophomore year in college first onsetting somewhere in my roommates and I's semester long experimental phase with marijuana. This was in Fall of 2009. Steadily I started to feel different. Like I was slowly losing myself. Naturally, and similar to a lot of your testimonies, I thought I was losing my mind or being oppressed by an evil of somekind (may be true). By Spring I felt a mangled, diobolical version of my previously easy going, capable self. In some ways my initial unawaredness of my DP and ignorance of the clinical understandings of DP combined with my auto pilot behavior of my past self by habit battled blindly and futily the full onset of the symptoms so I was still able to opperate somewhat like myself for close to a year because I hadn't given myself over to the realization and as such could not give myself to its recovery. Learning that my condition had a name and a community of fellow sufferers was a mixed bag. It offered a release from the solitary suffering and lonliness of being the lone sufferer of a malignant and mysterious pseudo psychosis into a world where it was catalogued, explored, and was in the initial stages of being understood and treated. But that also made it real. It shed a light that weighed on me. That gave it a solidness I hadn't (or hadn't wanted to) previously ascribe to it. Before it was a fixed, palpable problem it seemed just an annoying but reversible personality blemish, or a recently learned salty disposition, and as such could be unlearned.

I now know better, that DP is a problem but physiologically is a solution to an earlier and potentially more devestating problem and that without its intervention could leave my anxiety-siezed mind to face greater problems in the long and short terms. Thank your brain for that. Little positive gestures like that help battle subconscious anxiety tendencies with the broader objective of moving your mind into a therapeutic tranquility that once attained should send THE SIGNAL. You know the one. The one we all pine for. The one that unflips the switch that marijuana, some trauma, chronic anxiety, or any other factors initially flipped. And then (is the hope) that as suddenly as the "fog" descended it ascends up and out of our mental atmosphere leaving only clear thoughts, sweet sunny reason, and the playful rumination of why we ever fretted a mere passing nightmare. Just a fantasy for now. Or a fantastic reality to come. For now the defensive faculties in my mind still think (because thats what it does) I should dissassociate. For now the best aim for my efforts are to surrepticiously smuggle in relaxing information that eases the strained stratas deep in my mind letting it know I am fine and no longer need an altered state of mental being.

In the mean time, I workout out, eat well (still drink though) but my favorite arrow in my quiver is the piece of advice I picked up along my search for health- Act well so as to become well. Ignore the DP. Don't feed it. On some level your brain picks up on the worrying you pay the situation thereby perpetuating the protection from the overload you need protection (DP) from. Self sustaining in that way, a synergistic cycle. Like a wound that pesters itself. Let it heal. Let your brain find that signal. The anti signal to the signal our minds all sent to protect us the first day of our new lives with DP.

God bless friends, best of luck to you all.

KO
 
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