[Martinelv]

I am so the most worthless human piece of crap. What am I even doing at work ? Why bother? Why not just drink myself to death?

So much misery everywhere. I really can't take it. But I'm sure I'll 'snap out of it'.

 

[Guest]

Isn't it a stork?

 

[Martinelv]

Well spotted. It's just that I had a dream last night about a pelican.

 

[g-funk]

It is indeed a stork.

My Mum said she found me behind a gooseberry bush. I too believe she actually found a piece of turd, Martin. You're not alone.

Why do you feel like a turd right now?

 

[Martinelv]

Well it's a long story - but here goes.

I went to the doctor on Monday with the print-out from Homeskool's post. He gave it a cursory glance and dismissed it and me as someone who was basically just depressed. While there may be element of truth in this, I still am a convert to what Homeskooled said. It makes perfect sense to me. The doctor just switched me to another anti-depressant and gave me a short course of Diazepam (2mg * 5)! He might as well give me a glass of water.

I was furious when I came out, so I immediately seeked a second opinion from another doctor (highly illegal now thanks to the government). He, bless him, took greater interest in what Homeskooled wrote, but still - (and I guess you can't blame a normal GP) stilll agreed that I had aggitated depression and gave me a years supply (virtually) of Clonazepam, 2mg. Now this stuff really works for me, which adds credence to the TLE theory. All the other benzo's do diddly-squat for me.

Anyway, this doctor has refered me to yet another pyschologist to who, I hope, can get the message across. Yet I'll have to wait another 18 months for that.

Sure, I guess I have reason to be depressed, what with all the crap that has happened to me, but it goes deeper than that. I've always felt like this, since as long as I can remember, to a certain degree.

So I'm at work today stoned out on Clonazepam, feeling like a lump of turd. I really really don't have reason to. I've got loads of money, a decent girlfriend, loving parents...but still, it's never enough. And that's what makes me feel depressed. I seriosuly contemplate ending it all, although I wouldn't because of the hurt it would cause my mother, but in this world of rain, misery, violence and suffering, it's an appealing option. I'm just existing. It may be enough for most people, but because of my stupid brain, it's definately not enough.

 

[sebastian]

Martin, i'm sorry as hell to hear that you're feeling so bad. It actually sounds like things, on the surface anyway, are going quite well in your life. As usual, i don't know what to say. I always feel foolish assuring someone that things will get better, especially when they've heard it all before and in fact, have been on the other end of that stick making promises of their own. I wonder if words can help in any case.

Fiddlesticks. I want to help you by saying something positive. I actually have oodles of optomism to spare right now...but i'll just sound flakey saying it. I'd like to make suggestions but i'm not sure if you're even interested in advice...what's more, i doubt whether my advice would be worthwhile anyway.

In any case, know that there are those of us who are quite fond of Martinelv and hope he makes it through this current bout of depression. Get that serotonin bouncing about again, dammit.

s.

 

[Martinelv]

Thank you, friend.

Cheers for your letter by the way. I'll be replying shortly.

 

[Homeskooled]

Wow, good going Martin. That took some perserverance. Do you think you could tell the doctor that you want Lamictal on top of what he gave you ( dont take the Diazepam, etc....but let him think you will) ? Its used for Bipolar depression all the time, which lends more credence to the theory, because all people with bipolar are supposed to be checked for epilepsy, as it is a known cause of the condition. I'll give you a link that you can take with you, so when they say " Agitated depression!" you can say, "I absolutely agree, and I know people with it who swear by this. Honestly, I've been on so many meds, I think I have a right to ask for what I think will work for this condition, dont you?" Tough for a doctor to say no to a request for a non-addictive med when you put it that way. Really, your life is on the upswing. Job, house, women, financial solvency, and a possible solution to your personality issues....could be the final leg of the race. Dont stop sprinting now....Here's your link to a study done on Bipolar depression that you can take with you....

http://www.docguide.com/dg.nsf/PrintPrint/9A215234700F3FF88525673000527AEE

Peace
Homeskooled

 

[Martinelv]

Cheers mate. Thanks for your good wishes, and the link.

Now everyone get back to helping people with real psychiatric problems, like DR/DP !!! :wink:

 

[g-funk]

I know what Sebastian means about saying cheesy words of 'hang in there mate' - we know for a fact that no particular words can change the way you feel when low. Normal people just don't get that. 'Pull yourself together!' etc

Having said all the above, I hope you get over this bout really quickly because you deserve to because you are a jolly nice chap. :wink:

There, cheese over.

Gxxx