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the most misserable christmas yet

3758 Views 32 Replies 13 Participants Last post by  terri*
gets worse every year...ive realised im not actually making progress,im becoming more and more lost as the years go by...
i have to be realistic now and accept that i am not getting better...this isnt me feeling sorry for myself or feeling down,but there is usally a hint of seasonal emotion and this year nothing at all...i dread the year ahead,and just hate this crap,there has to be a way out

happy christmas for those that are actually making the effort to enjoy..

no doubt next year will be worse (if im still around)
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Oh and it's funny the way your family generalize your interests. For some reason I'm still seen as the 'science-y one', even though I got bored of science years ago when I realized it didn't actually involve dinosaurs or time travel. Yet my family still give me books related to science, and it's 'any science', not even cool popular science. The fucking biography of a 14th century Italian astronomer who I've never heard of, as if I'm gonna' read that.
My christmas hasn't been that too bad actually, Iv'e been feeling in a lot better way than I was about a week ago and I have'nt been exatacly revellling in christmas sprit I did enjoy yesterday, It even decided to snow where I live yesterday and snow well as well, so had a good snowball fight and I dunno why but doing something as simple as that made my dp/dr lift consideberelly.
Today was actually a pretty good day, Although i felt weird as usual, I didn't really feel bad. It was good seeing my cousins and other family.

Merry Christmas
It wasn't too bad for me either. Although I did feel very detached and out of my body and all that stuff, I tried hard to focus on my family and the happiness they were feeling and at times I felt myself laughing. If I could just not think about how strange it is to exist in this body and stop questioning everything that I do.. I think I would be ok. Feeling dp just causes everything to be strange so it's so hard to feel enjoyment, peace, or just relaxed.

Anyway.. hope you all got through it ok..
Merry Christmas
i love giving gifts i HATE recieving. so ive never given any truly crappy gifts.. but one year i played a prank that was pretty mean. :twisted:

my cousin andrew was about 7 at the time.. and he wanted a new game for his playstation it was like 50 bucks.. so i got it but for the entire month before christmas i told him that because he was such an little as$hole, i was just gonna give him a box of lava rocks. and that santa was gonna put lava rocks in his stocking. which is pretty cruel but he was a fricken monster and didnt deserve gifts.. but of course he got showered every year. the week before christmas i put this HUGE box under the tree for him. it was too heavy to lift and solid so he thought it was a powerwheels or sommat like that and he was soooo excited.. but he kept pushing me to tell him wether or not it was lava rocks. "of course not andrew.. i spent alot of money on that gift you better appreciate it. (mua a a a a ahhhh!)" :wink:

little did he know that in that box was this HUGE boulder.. it took me and 3 friends to lift it. when christmas came i made andrew open my gift last even though he was so dying to open it first.. but i told him to save the best for last. well when he opened it and saw that big f#cking rock he threw the hugest tantrum i ever saw and proceeded to beat the crap out of me with all his might. he was so furious. when he finally calmed down i told him to check the box again.. and hidden in the stuffing around the rock was his real present. he looked very sheepish and wiped his tears away and thanked me.. but it was too late the milk was spilt and i felt so bad! i like punking people.. but that one went to far and i didnt realize just how much he believed in me and i screwed him over. ill never forgive myself for that. :(
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Christmas used to be a happy time for me. I've never been one to spread Christmas cheer, but rather become possessed by greed and selfishness. My usual orgy of presents was replaced (karma?) this year by an attempt at tapping into some sort of conscience I may have had. Anyway, I don't feel good about spending more than I have recieved, and later that night, Jesus, Santa or whoever took a big filthy shit in my face for my misgivings of Christmas past.

I arrive at a Christmas party with my personal bottle of jagermeister which i had been drinking for 5 hours previous. This is a crappy story, so i'll just skip to the crappy parts...DP kicks in hard, can barely function around high school crush who was paying me attention, drink insane amounts to make up for lack of confidance and sheer retardation. I escape the clutches of the party into my car to ride out the worst anxiety attack i've had in months and feel sick on gallons of liqour and random unhealthy foods i'd ingested. This may have been my worst anxiety attack ever due to the intrusive thoughts that would not escape. It got bad with the generalized suicidal thoughts and then progressed into answering the question: What is the most convienant and simple way to kill myself?. I then passed out in the car in my tshirt where it was about 20 degrees, as my prude brother took the keys away from me. :p

Oh well, I feel much better right now, and i've been playing Metal Gear Solid 3, and watched The Life Aquatic with a good friend so i'm a'ight right now.
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So what are you trying to say, that the massive drinking binge led you to see The life acquatic? Only a person who is intoxicated could survive a movie as terrible as that. Hell, I was sober when I saw it. Can you imagine the horror!
^^ lol i hate bill murray's new movies there so stupid and that big boulder story cracked me up
this was my first christmas with dp and dr and i hated it...

all the family keep saying how much better i look and not understanding what it feels like to be totally detached from oneself and everything else...

everyday is so hard to get through at the moment...

i hope to God i do not spend next christmas feeling this way...

i know i have not had dp/dr for that long (8 months now i think) but it would be nice to have at least 5 minutes not feeling like this...

i cannot stand having this all day everyday...everything around me just seems like it is not really there...just me imagining everything...

i am going to shut up now before i freak myself out even more talking about it...
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Was just reading everyone's Christmas stories, thought I would share what I've been doing for the break. Writing from Washington DC at the moment, came up to spend New Year's Eve at the Capitol and at Alexandria, Virginia's First Night. Its been a pretty good time. The Spy Museum here in Washington was one of the best attractions we visited...almost as good as the Smithsonian. I'm here with roommates from college...but I know my life isnt where it needs to be yet. Its great hanging out with the guys, but I could really use some romance in my life right now. Just seeing the beautiful college girls walking around with their boyfriends makes me seethe with jealousy...okay, enough about poor me.

Thought I would share a story from my own Christmas's growing up. My parents are the Catholic versions of Quakers. Not easy people to get along with. Anyways, they had a relgious renewal when I was about 9 and decided to throw out our televison set. Okay, cool, I can live with that. I might miss some Ducktales episodes, but nothing I cant adapt to. Well, they keep getting more radical and next year when I turn 10 they decide that giving gifts on Christmas is too materialistic, I mean, after all, its not OUR birthday, right? Well, this was their twisted logic anyways. We didnt get Christmas gifts from 10-18. And my parents actually werent even on speaking terms with my grandparents because they wanted to give their grandchildren christmas gifts. That has got to be the lamest excuse for cutting off ties with relatives that I have heard. One of my big fights in our house was actually about bringing back christmas gifts. It, along with other personality differences and my dp, eventually forced me out of our house. I kind of have a knack for patiently "crusading" for issues for years, and I finally won over my parents, who now give Christmas gifts to my 9 year old sister and 11 year old brother. I get gifts again, too, and although they do buy pretty lame gifts, I appreciate my parents efforts. I also blamed alot of my anxiety issues on my parents, and although they still deny any blame, I know that the way they are raising my little bro and sis is in the most part because of my DP. In a way, it probably saved their childhood. Only problem is, half of my Christmas's never really existed....oh well. Just have to remedy that when I have a family of my own. Just have to find a girl first!

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, and much

Homeskooled :D
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Hi Homeskooled,

I know you are going to find that girl when you are least expecting it. That's when it always happens. And the other thing I are going to create a wonderful family when it is time. It is amazing how you can change your past and create just the future you want. Just you's gonna be grand!

Always enjoy reading whatever it is you're writing about.
I'm sorry JC, I got sidetracked from your original post. I wish there was some kind of magical something I could do that would keep you up on top of the heap. You have had some really good moments this year, JC. Please hold on to those. They will come around again. And when they do, just accept them for maybe being as good as it gets. You can work with this. You have and you know you can.

Best wishes for coming 'round again.
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