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the most misserable christmas yet

3762 Views 32 Replies 13 Participants Last post by  terri*
gets worse every year...ive realised im not actually making progress,im becoming more and more lost as the years go by...
i have to be realistic now and accept that i am not getting better...this isnt me feeling sorry for myself or feeling down,but there is usally a hint of seasonal emotion and this year nothing at all...i dread the year ahead,and just hate this crap,there has to be a way out

happy christmas for those that are actually making the effort to enjoy..

no doubt next year will be worse (if im still around)
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Hmmmm, I'm feeling better then I have in a short while actually.
Christmas is just so absurdly hilarious these days. I'm so bloody cynical and sarcastic, that I can barely conceal it.
My auntie gave me a phone book, and I said some sarcastic shit like 'Oh, I can finally throw that old fashioned cell phone away, thanks.' Fortunately she saw the funny side. The best part is once everyone's opened their presents and, clearly, been totally indifferent to them, then I always go away and wrap up something crap like a packet of sugar, and give it someone with the utmost sincerity. They're excited at first, then we all burst out laughing when they open it. It sounds lame, but I find it too damn funny for some reason.
Today my brothers and I spent most of the time trying to take a photo, which we were going to frame for my granny. For some reason in each picture, in out desperate effort to look 'nice' we ended up looking very strange. That was hilarious too for some reason.
I literally haven't laughed whatsoever since August, so this is all very good. :lol:
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Yes Jason, Christmas is bloody hilarious. I can't act sincere when I recieve presents anymore. I smile stiffly and say 'thankyou'. But somehow I have the will and the confidence to stand up to my dad when he's pissing me off. I'm not being bitter, but it's very satisfying when I manage to pull off a sarcastic quip with perfect timing that leaves the whole family in hysterics, after my dad makes a stupid comment about me spilling the gravy or something.
I still think Christmas is special somehow. I mean if it can excavate some sort of emotional response out of this void of a mind, then it has to be. Yes you can put it down to a natural annual body clock or whatever, but somehow each Christmas in the middle of Winter (easily the worst tim eof year for me) something ever so slightly magical happens. Oh God, I can't believe I just used the word magical, I'm too cynical for that. But whether sarcastics and slightly absurd humour is what gets you off or playing video games till you have a psychotic break, or eating chocolate till your face is pimpled to perfection, then now is the time of year to indulge.
I still don't get those people who get excited about the more associative side of Christmas. What I mean by associative side, is the little things that one associates with Christmas, that aren't, in my opinion, really a significant part of Christmas. Consumerism and mass purchasing is a major part of Christmas and it is fun. Seeing all your family together is a major part of Christmas, and can be fun. The afforemention over indulging is a major part also, and is usually fun too. These things are fun, unless you're really depressed, like most of us here.
But I hate all the decorations and the crappy movies and the suicide inducing 'tv specials' and the songs. What's annoying is when people confuse these things with Christmas, like they really matter. I'm sorry but they're just so fucking childish. Putting up a Christmas tree is a predictable and tiresome affair. Oh, and going to church DOESN'T ADD MEANING TO CHRISTMAS UNLESS YOU'RE A PRACTISING CHRISTIAN. So please if you don't go to church the rest of the year, and happily see Jesus as 'just another historical' figure, who is more often the basis of a crap joke than an actual metaphysical entity, then don't go to church at Christmas!!!!! Basically it just annoys me when an adult is able to enjoy Christmas in the same way as a child, but then I am a cynical bastard.
For a brief period everything sort of came together again. Not in a false 'I'm cured!!!!' sort of way, but more I was able to see through the haze of shit that clouds my existence, through to what life was and still is. It reminded me of how damn good this year has been, apart from the second weed smoking incident in September, and the hellish months that followed. Importantly I think I am able to connect with what made me recover 90% before.
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Oh and it's funny the way your family generalize your interests. For some reason I'm still seen as the 'science-y one', even though I got bored of science years ago when I realized it didn't actually involve dinosaurs or time travel. Yet my family still give me books related to science, and it's 'any science', not even cool popular science. The fucking biography of a 14th century Italian astronomer who I've never heard of, as if I'm gonna' read that.
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