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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
gets worse every year...ive realised im not actually making progress,im becoming more and more lost as the years go by...
i have to be realistic now and accept that i am not getting better...this isnt me feeling sorry for myself or feeling down,but there is usally a hint of seasonal emotion and this year nothing at all...i dread the year ahead,and just hate this crap,there has to be a way out

happy christmas for those that are actually making the effort to enjoy..

no doubt next year will be worse (if im still around)
 
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i have been thinking the same exact things man

im just feeling depressed right now and I don't even know why? Tommorow is gonna be a great day of faking smiles & happiness!!

STRESSMAS TIME!

Man i miss the days when i was little, thinking Santa Clause really came to my house to drop off presents, Waking up extra early on Christmas morning and running downstairs to look at all of the presents I got. Going to my grandparents house & sleeping over with my cousins ( who i used to be very close to) Now we are all growing up and Christmas is just another day where I feel worse. WTF happened??
 

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congratulate me its my first anniversary or having dp :( its been a rough year and i really hope i can try to enjoy 2morrow.....if not for me for the kids as what SB put is the exact same way my kids are......here i am at 22.55 and still cant do santa as the kids are awake....... :?
 
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I remember the joy of being a kid on christmas as well. I got every damn present you could get. Playstations, air hockey tables, ninja turtles, nintendos, basketball hoops, a computer. You can throw all that shit in the fire now. I just want my damn health back.
 

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nearly 11pm SB time for kids to be not seen but they are all far to excited so my dp will be worse tomoz with severe lack of sleep......but thats life i suppose
 

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Not feeling very Christmassy myself. This is my favorite holiday and it has turned out to be a curse. Goddamn this shit brain of mine.
 
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I've been indifferent to Christmas even before I had dp. My indifference has changed though. I know for a fact that I will hardly feel good tommorrow, but I will try to make Christmas for those around me somehow better. I spent 300 bucks so far on presents :| . I guess that spending money on other people is the only way i'm capable of spreading Christmas cheer.
 
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yea i have no motivation to even celebrate christmas, my family doesnt buy a tree or decorate or anything and i dont even care id feel guilty to be celebrating when i still have a problem, thats just the way i am i dont celeberate unless i could actually feel good while doing it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
im not really depressed,emotionless scared but not depressed,the worse thing is i just feel like im on another planet...what makes it worse is i lose that normal pattern

you know the tv programmes are the same,everyone goes to work monday to friday,the shops keep regular hours,and i just obsess about how unsettled my mind feels and it gets me all worked up
 
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The power went out where I lived for a couple days because of a huge ice storm. No heat and it was cold as all get out. That was an adventure. But this season is somewhat depressing for me, too.
 

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Though my girlfriend hates my negative thoughts...

I am soooooo depressed now too....this time last week I was feeling good. But ever since I started getting my DP/Depression really bad, the magic in my life has just slowly slid away. It's like all "magic" and feelings that we are normally supposed to feel, get overtaken by our DP, feelings of strangeness, thoughts of if things feel the same as they used to, if Xmas feels like it should, etc....etc....etc....It all goes back to the thinking too much.

But I went to church this evening with my family. Felt HORRIBLE. Didn't enjoy a single moment of it. All I did was think about how I felt. Same church I have been going to since I was little. Except nothing felt the same. All I could think about was how everyone around me seemed so happy and "in the Xmas spirit" and here I am, struggling to even get ONE smile out. All I wanted to be was at home asleep. Seriously. It is 11pm right now and all I want to do is sleep. So you know what. I'm just gonna go to sleep. Who cares that it is Xmas Eve and it is supposed to be one of the nicest evenings all year. I'm gonna end it like I end most of my days throughout the year and go to bed because I am so DPed and so out of it, that I feel I have no choince. Maybe I will magically gain some Xmas magic overnight and have some enjoyment tomorrow. Worth a shot I guess. Beats the alternative.
Happy Holidays.

Kelson
 

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Not a bad christmas for me, although I was extremely DP'ed I just tryed to enjoy being with my dad and family because I hardly get to see him. Spending time with them put smiles on my face and I'm gratefull for that.
Now I must sleep and wake up for Christmas Day!!!! Merry Christmas Everybody have a good one!!! ENJOY YOURSELF ITS CHRISTMAS!!!!!!
 
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the family will be arriving soon, and im feeling very anxious for some reason, Time to pop a Klonopin & hope i feel decent.
 

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Hmmmm, I'm feeling better then I have in a short while actually.
Christmas is just so absurdly hilarious these days. I'm so bloody cynical and sarcastic, that I can barely conceal it.
My auntie gave me a phone book, and I said some sarcastic shit like 'Oh, I can finally throw that old fashioned cell phone away, thanks.' Fortunately she saw the funny side. The best part is once everyone's opened their presents and, clearly, been totally indifferent to them, then I always go away and wrap up something crap like a packet of sugar, and give it someone with the utmost sincerity. They're excited at first, then we all burst out laughing when they open it. It sounds lame, but I find it too damn funny for some reason.
Today my brothers and I spent most of the time trying to take a photo, which we were going to frame for my granny. For some reason in each picture, in out desperate effort to look 'nice' we ended up looking very strange. That was hilarious too for some reason.
I literally haven't laughed whatsoever since August, so this is all very good. :lol:
 

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Lol Axel, funny post.

Giving somebody a crap petty item gift-wrapped at the end of a session is a good idea, and I laughed at your re-telling of it, heh. Packet of sugar seems like the perfect, pathetic gift for that.

Trying to look happy for granny too, but coming off as alien or strange, lol. I just relate (me and my brother always crack up about it); even in my most happiest Christmas moments (well, past age 10 probably), there's always a fakey, gotta-look-happy conscious thought process in my head. Easy to become cynical about it when you're putting on a face every year.

:lol:
 
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This c-mas sucks too, I just try to keep by brain preoccupied...

Just remember, there may be a answer/cure for us soon! Medical Science is advancing all the time. As long as there is a little light at the end of the tunnel there is some hope......

I got my c-mas present of Xyrem today... Hopefully it will give me the first real nights sleep in 20yrs...
 

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Yes Jason, Christmas is bloody hilarious. I can't act sincere when I recieve presents anymore. I smile stiffly and say 'thankyou'. But somehow I have the will and the confidence to stand up to my dad when he's pissing me off. I'm not being bitter, but it's very satisfying when I manage to pull off a sarcastic quip with perfect timing that leaves the whole family in hysterics, after my dad makes a stupid comment about me spilling the gravy or something.
I still think Christmas is special somehow. I mean if it can excavate some sort of emotional response out of this void of a mind, then it has to be. Yes you can put it down to a natural annual body clock or whatever, but somehow each Christmas in the middle of Winter (easily the worst tim eof year for me) something ever so slightly magical happens. Oh God, I can't believe I just used the word magical, I'm too cynical for that. But whether sarcastics and slightly absurd humour is what gets you off or playing video games till you have a psychotic break, or eating chocolate till your face is pimpled to perfection, then now is the time of year to indulge.
I still don't get those people who get excited about the more associative side of Christmas. What I mean by associative side, is the little things that one associates with Christmas, that aren't, in my opinion, really a significant part of Christmas. Consumerism and mass purchasing is a major part of Christmas and it is fun. Seeing all your family together is a major part of Christmas, and can be fun. The afforemention over indulging is a major part also, and is usually fun too. These things are fun, unless you're really depressed, like most of us here.
But I hate all the decorations and the crappy movies and the suicide inducing 'tv specials' and the songs. What's annoying is when people confuse these things with Christmas, like they really matter. I'm sorry but they're just so fucking childish. Putting up a Christmas tree is a predictable and tiresome affair. Oh, and going to church DOESN'T ADD MEANING TO CHRISTMAS UNLESS YOU'RE A PRACTISING CHRISTIAN. So please if you don't go to church the rest of the year, and happily see Jesus as 'just another historical' figure, who is more often the basis of a crap joke than an actual metaphysical entity, then don't go to church at Christmas!!!!! Basically it just annoys me when an adult is able to enjoy Christmas in the same way as a child, but then I am a cynical bastard.
For a brief period everything sort of came together again. Not in a false 'I'm cured!!!!' sort of way, but more I was able to see through the haze of shit that clouds my existence, through to what life was and still is. It reminded me of how damn good this year has been, apart from the second weed smoking incident in September, and the hellish months that followed. Importantly I think I am able to connect with what made me recover 90% before.
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