Once upon a time, in a land not far away, a boy was born whose name meant "messiah." He lived for the first few years of his life as a very happy child, extremely quiet but perpetually smiling. However, things were not as they seemed...
After three years had passed, the awareness of the "messiah" came to be manifest; he was able to view the world around him, and all of the people in it. However, his parents, far from the loving, caring, tender parents that parents should ideally be, would beat the child, curse at it, discourage it from doing anything. The first thing that the "messiah" learned, before learning how to talk, before learning how to walk, before learning how to truly think, was to hate himself.
Time went on, the "messiah" endured the brutal torment of his family members, including those of his extended family, even one case of sexual abuse. His incipient mind, desperate to save itself, submitted to schizophrenia. The boy would hallucinate things, such as neon colored book print or jet fighters flying only a few feet from his face. His thought patterns grew to be rather disjointed, as per schizophrenia, until gradually, his schizophrenia gave way to a new mentality.
Three things came to characterize the young boy, only five at the time: his insatiable thirst for knowledge, his burning lust for power, and his vehement rage. These three things would give him an exaggerated sense of reality-testing that would, for all intensive purposes, rid his mind of the more patent hallucinations.
However, the "messiah's" self-hatred caused him to develop dysthymia. He would never recover from the perpetual sorrow, guilt, and self-hatred, as well as the delusion that everyone hates him. He was, therefore, very prone to bouts of severe social anxiety, in addition to anxiety attacks of any sort. Eventually, the delicate balance struck between the "messiah's" reality testing and his perpetually dark and disturbing world would become manifest as the condition known as derealization.
For some time, the derealization and dysthymia were barely noticeable in a child so young and full of love and life. Again, not all was as it seemed. Constant betrayals from his friends, family, and everyone he cared for (which was everyone in general) caused him to retreat into the sanctuary of his own mind. Further and further this went, gradually though, and barely noticeable, as symptoms became more and more patent: having conversations with an apparent lucid and eloquent other formed by none other than one's own self, over-analyzing everything, and, of course, constant self-denigration. On the other hand, another personality was being forged in the depths of the boy's mind. This personality would gradually be decreasingly controlled by the boy's mind and would increasingly have a mind of its own.
One day, however, when the boy's constant torment reached a point where he could barely contain it, to the point where he blurted out: "I hate myself!" His mother's response was exactly thus: "Then why don't you kill yourself?!"
At age seven, the "messiah" had his first major depressive episode, with suicidal intent being a disturbingly salient feature, among a slew of already active disorders: depersonalization, derealization, dissociative disorder NOS, and dysthymia.
The symptoms, as well as their frequency would continue to grow at a steady rate until one day...
For years, the "messiah" had kept himself going by creating a "God" for himself. He did not, in truth, follow the organized religions of his tormentors, but rather constructed an axiomatic Absolute Infinite who would love him as well as legitimize his existence. Unlike others, he did not care to pray to his "God" when he desired some material wealth, only to commune with his only friend. He did not fear death, only that he might be separated from his "God." One day, however, his derealization took a turn for the worse and his faith in God was forever shattered. That event, although he cannot remember the exact events that took place, would permanently augment all of his disorders, giving them a much greater run of his mind, allowing them to devastate the dark recesses and luminous cogitations alike. Meanwhile, the beatings, betrayals, and self-hatred would continue to grow in turn.
Finally, the "messiah" met a girl whose name meant "excellent." At first, he disliked the girl, thinking that she was just another tormentor. Gradually, however, their conversations grew with much warmth and felicity. Inexplicably, these things grew in the mind of the "messiah" as well. Without realizing it, he constantly daydreamed of conversing with her and relished every moment he had with her. For once in the fourteen years since his awareness began, he felt happy. He realized what had happened to him on January 27, 2004: he had fallen in love.
It was incredulous at first: this angry youth, whose ambitions were no less than deciphering the whole of the universe itself and conquering it until he was the God that he could no longer believe existed, had fallen in love and would devote himself to a human girl.
Despite his lofty ambitions and even loftier intellectual and philosophical discourses, his was happy in the knowledge that he was in love, that he had found his "God." For a time, his joy knew no bounds.
However, all good things must come to an end.
On the Ides of March, on the two thousand forty eighth anniversary of the assassination of Julius Caesar, the object of the "messiah's" affection learned of his feelings for her and the "messiah" came to know something that manifested in response to her newfound knowledge, something that would break his heart, never to be mended: she hated him.
He had to see her everyday since then, knowing that she hated him, knowing that he was too weak, cowardly, and stupid to do anything about it. And so, he turned to those three things again: knowledge, power, and rage.
What followed suit, though it may have been precipitated by his heart breaking, was inevitable and would have happened regardless of the circumstances due to the fact that by this point, his disorders had been growing EXPONENTIALLY.
By now, the "messiah" knew of only one target toward which to target his rage: himself. He knew, since early childhood, that he was weak, cowardly, stupid, ugly, and utterly undeserving of anything but suffering.
His major depressive episodes were becoming increasingly frequent. By this time, he had attempted suicide over thirty-six times. After his heart was broken, he attempted it seventeen times more, obviously to no avail. His sense of self and reality were disintegrating to the point where he felt, quite literally I assure you, that he could not possibly exist. Physically, this was followed by a cold, hollow feeling and a paralysis that left him unable to get out of bed in the morning. He had never been able to recognize his face in the mirror, or his hands in front of him, or anything around him, but this was an intense horror that accompanied a nihilistic weltanshauung becoming cardially integrated into his very core.
He realized that his reality was falling apart around him, he realized that he was falling prey to a deadly sense of nihilistic despair as well as a more emotional despair, but was powerless to stop it. He realized all of his symptoms, recognized their early onset and their subsequent growth, but could find no consolation in this knowledge.
Eventually, his rage burnt him from the inside out, leaving him naught but a hollow shell. The burning allure of ultimate power was the siren song that stranded him eternally on the island of impotence. And his vaunted quest for knowledge left him with the impossibility of knowledge.
The "messiah" had come to know that he could not possibly recover from his depersonalization because there was nothing to recover: he had never truly existed in "reality" before.
Now, there is nothing left for the "messiah" to do but die...
