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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello troops...just thought I'd pop in as I haven't been around for a while, and spray you with a little of my usual misery. I suppose I should add a disclaimer here, as despite just falling into my usual three month cycle of self-destruction (just walked out of a ?250 per hour job for no apparent reason, and am again living at my mothers, wallowing in despair and sweating in my bed all day doing feck all....hmmm...thinking about it, if I don't change the bedsheets soon I'll have my own Turin Shroud...anyway...) I am still DP/DR free. Wracked with anxiety, guilt, the usual stuff, but DP/DR still hasn't raised it's ugly head. Which, I suppose, is why I still adhere to the belief that DP/DP and other dissasosiativeveve disorders are 'ruts'...like a wheel stuck in the mud. I'm loathe to psuedo-science and other extraordinary states of mind(Janine not withstanding :wink: ), but I'm sure if I didn't have so much debt, divorce, life to worry about, I'm sure I'd be back with the damed......so sorry.....if you're not interested in a self-indulgent rant then don't read on.

My thoughts recently have started to congeal...and I'm coming up with some very depressing conclusions. Firstly, I am only absolutely sure of three things in life...my mothers love, my atheism (I have pompously created my own brand - Lemming Atheism), and the fact that I have several spectacular personality flaws which, I think, have led to me being the way I am.

Last first, because I enjoy self loathing, I am so desperate to avoid unhappyness/boredom of anykind I constantly and recklessly live for the moment - which results in my three month cycle of doing the opposite of what I need - i.e, structure in my life, stability. I'm also a git, but that's another story.

Lemming Atheism - As you some of you more regular posters may know, I have a 'dim' view of religion, and a 'belief' that our 'true' intelligence is self-defeating. Humans are a cancer on the planet, for reasons of religion, our selfish genes, technology, etc. Hence, if we are to be truely enlightened, we should do what Lemmings do and jump off a cliff. Of course, I don't encourage anyone to do that, and I won't either, because I'm too damn selfish. Perhaps this all sounds a but buddhist....so kick me. Radiation and chemotherapy kills cancer, perhaps Lemming Atheism will cure our planet ?

I've also developed a new kind of therapy to try and wipe out any thoughts of Camus-type lemming suicide. 'I AM' therapy. You might like to try it. Basically, you list everything you've done, achieved, including bad stuff, and right it done. If you feel content when you've finished and you read the list, then throw those meds in the bin, you're on the way back to the consensual reality that most of the rest of the planet lives in. I.e, rain and misery, interupted with infrequent bouts of joy. If not, then, well, I haven't got that far yet. Here's my list:

I am Martin.
I have had sex with exactly 24 women, and 2 men.
I have lived in London, Amsterdam, Cape Town
I have ingested, at various times, MDMA, Weed, LSD, Amyl Nitrate, Magic Mushrooms, Cocaine, Heroin. (Not all at once.)
I have swam in all major oceans and seas.
I have travelled to 33 different countries.
I have been, at various times, enormously rich, and enormously poor

...etc. Give it a try.

Anyway, there you go. What a load of bullshit, but I needed to vent several bags of spleen. Or perhaps it's bile. I can never be sure anymore. My goddam brain doesn't even let me get out of my head anymore. I recently met a psychotic hermit (this is true, believe me) in a bar and we went to his shack in the woods (coincidently right next door to a Psychiatric Hopsital) and ate magic mushrooms and prepared to put the word to rights. Unfortunately, while he starting skipping about like Janis Joplin and raving like a madman, nothing happened to me. Except get cold and bored. Sigh.

Love to you all. Ignore everthing I say. Hope you're fighting the good fight.
 

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hi mate
you say youve had sex with two men,is this recently and is this why youve split with your wife?
dont meen to sound offensive but its just a theory as ive always wondered why if you love your wife so much you managed to destroy it#

all the best

jc
 

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How exactly is it that you've managed to do so much in your life already, whilst also sufferinf rom such neurosis? I'm not coming out with the usual lay person diagnosis that you sometimes get on here, and I am being totally light hearted in this coment, but you sound severely bipolar.
You've slept with 24 women and 2 men, and you've travelled to 33 different countries. You've recovered from dp twice. Come on you must be proud of yourself. Stop being such a moody English git. Go on a brain detox or something. Start exercising regularly and eating well. It wont' change your personality but it will make you slightly more stable.
 
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Sounds like some bipolar to me. Up until the last two years of my life I was quite the accomplished 18 year old and due to my bipolar...it all seems to have been a waste. I've travelled all over, had more than enough sexual conquests, and its all SHITE to me.
 

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Ahh, Martin. Good to have you back, you old coot (i don't actually know what a "coot" is but it sounded right). Sorry to hear you're flagellating yourself yet again...but of course, totally understandable. I find your case actually particularly interesting, as it seems like you get in your own proverbial "rut" spontaneously, whereas a lot of others (myself included) are cast into the doldrums after excessive thought and rumination. What i mean is, after shutting myself off in a secluded area for a few months to write "the book", i brought the insanity on itself...my psyche was practically begging for it...a la Jack Nicholson's character in The Shining. You, on the other hand, seem to embrace the seclusion as a way of settling down your phobias/anxieties/disorder (whatever you want to call it). It's also interesting that you still don't suffer from dp/dr? Have you ever?

In any case, it's good to have you back...not good in a macabre way...but in a fraternal kind of thing.

Martinelv said:
I have had sex with exactly 24 women, and 2 men.
Amateur.

For the record,

76 women, 10 men, 5 hermaphrodites, 4 conjoined twins, 3 midgits, 2 llamas, and a partridge in a pear tree.

s.
 

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cummon sebastian.. the truth now mr hairy palms. :wink:

and ziggo.. im with you on that. ive had more then my share of sex and i couldnt care less. sex for me is like doing a crossword while having a good bm. a temporary escape.. nothing more.
 
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in the words of the late, great, Marvin Gaye WHATS GOIN ON?

No offense to you Martin cuz i got respect for you, but lately this site is becoming :roll: which is why I am coming here less & eventually may not come here at all.

Good luck with everything Martin, things will probably work out for you when all is said and done.

and for everyone denouncing sex, you get a big :roll:
 

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martin what is that job and where can i find you to saw your feet off if you don't go back to get it?
 

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if i may suggest something.. be wary of sex with any sort of hooved mammal. sure they have freakishly huge dongs.. but they also have a serious set of choppers. yes having a horses mouth is in vogue right now with all the hooplah of teeth whitening and everyone rushing to get their teeth layered up with porcelain veneers. (to me its so fricken obvious and when you see all the celebs these days flash a smile for the camera.. it just makes you want to whistle the mr ed song.)

if i can recall.. llamas have big teeth.. kinda scary if they dont like what youre doing you could lose an apendage. plus i hear they spit not swallow.
 
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We all know what the cure is. The cure is to stop our own biology from functioning. If we die.. we no longer feel what we do. Its magic.

eDfGr33n
"watch me pull a card from my sleve."
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Hello. Thanks for your replies. And I'm glad that the lifetimes sum of my (cough) intellectuuaallll musings ignited a debate on the mechanisms of animal love. Personally, and although it's a cliche, I prefer sheep. Lift up the tail and apparently it's just like the real thing. Apparently.

JC - To put your mind to rest lest we have another evening in the pub, I'm not bisexaul, in the sense that I don't find men attractive in the slightest. My two, er, encounters, where during my heavy MDMA days. When you're tripping, in my experience anyway, flesh is flesh. Man, woman, flossy the wonder sheep, it's all the same. And to why 'I' destroyed my marriage...well.....that's another story. Nothing to do with my man love...that was years before I met the sow.

Sebastian - I'm not sure. I don't intentionally seek out seclusion. Quite the opposite in fact.

As for Bi-polar....I doubt it. The only 'real' diagnosis I've had is GAD, and 'Mild' Depression. Whatever the feck that is.

And yes, I have experienced two distinctly seperate bouts of DR (rarely DP), acutely for about a month (the horror of it), and then decreasing in magnitude over a year. Both episodes were triggered by drug abuse.
 

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no worries man...you didnt reply to my phone message last night b.t.w
theres no need for you to put my mind at rest,im not homophobic,you are who you are
 

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damn I was hoping to hear about some more hot man-on-man action...

WHY DO I ALWAYS LOOK IN THE WRONG PLACES???
 
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