Hello troops...just thought I'd pop in as I haven't been around for a while, and spray you with a little of my usual misery. I suppose I should add a disclaimer here, as despite just falling into my usual three month cycle of self-destruction (just walked out of a ?250 per hour job for no apparent reason, and am again living at my mothers, wallowing in despair and sweating in my bed all day doing feck all....hmmm...thinking about it, if I don't change the bedsheets soon I'll have my own Turin Shroud...anyway...) I am still DP/DR free. Wracked with anxiety, guilt, the usual stuff, but DP/DR still hasn't raised it's ugly head. Which, I suppose, is why I still adhere to the belief that DP/DP and other dissasosiativeveve disorders are 'ruts'...like a wheel stuck in the mud. I'm loathe to psuedo-science and other extraordinary states of mind(Janine not withstanding :wink: ), but I'm sure if I didn't have so much debt, divorce, life to worry about, I'm sure I'd be back with the damed......so sorry.....if you're not interested in a self-indulgent rant then don't read on.
My thoughts recently have started to congeal...and I'm coming up with some very depressing conclusions. Firstly, I am only absolutely sure of three things in life...my mothers love, my atheism (I have pompously created my own brand - Lemming Atheism), and the fact that I have several spectacular personality flaws which, I think, have led to me being the way I am.
Last first, because I enjoy self loathing, I am so desperate to avoid unhappyness/boredom of anykind I constantly and recklessly live for the moment - which results in my three month cycle of doing the opposite of what I need - i.e, structure in my life, stability. I'm also a git, but that's another story.
Lemming Atheism - As you some of you more regular posters may know, I have a 'dim' view of religion, and a 'belief' that our 'true' intelligence is self-defeating. Humans are a cancer on the planet, for reasons of religion, our selfish genes, technology, etc. Hence, if we are to be truely enlightened, we should do what Lemmings do and jump off a cliff. Of course, I don't encourage anyone to do that, and I won't either, because I'm too damn selfish. Perhaps this all sounds a but buddhist....so kick me. Radiation and chemotherapy kills cancer, perhaps Lemming Atheism will cure our planet ?
I've also developed a new kind of therapy to try and wipe out any thoughts of Camus-type lemming suicide. 'I AM' therapy. You might like to try it. Basically, you list everything you've done, achieved, including bad stuff, and right it done. If you feel content when you've finished and you read the list, then throw those meds in the bin, you're on the way back to the consensual reality that most of the rest of the planet lives in. I.e, rain and misery, interupted with infrequent bouts of joy. If not, then, well, I haven't got that far yet. Here's my list:
I am Martin.
I have had sex with exactly 24 women, and 2 men.
I have lived in London, Amsterdam, Cape Town
I have ingested, at various times, MDMA, Weed, LSD, Amyl Nitrate, Magic Mushrooms, Cocaine, Heroin. (Not all at once.)
I have swam in all major oceans and seas.
I have travelled to 33 different countries.
I have been, at various times, enormously rich, and enormously poor
...etc. Give it a try.
Anyway, there you go. What a load of bullshit, but I needed to vent several bags of spleen. Or perhaps it's bile. I can never be sure anymore. My goddam brain doesn't even let me get out of my head anymore. I recently met a psychotic hermit (this is true, believe me) in a bar and we went to his shack in the woods (coincidently right next door to a Psychiatric Hopsital) and ate magic mushrooms and prepared to put the word to rights. Unfortunately, while he starting skipping about like Janis Joplin and raving like a madman, nothing happened to me. Except get cold and bored. Sigh.
Love to you all. Ignore everthing I say. Hope you're fighting the good fight.
My thoughts recently have started to congeal...and I'm coming up with some very depressing conclusions. Firstly, I am only absolutely sure of three things in life...my mothers love, my atheism (I have pompously created my own brand - Lemming Atheism), and the fact that I have several spectacular personality flaws which, I think, have led to me being the way I am.
Last first, because I enjoy self loathing, I am so desperate to avoid unhappyness/boredom of anykind I constantly and recklessly live for the moment - which results in my three month cycle of doing the opposite of what I need - i.e, structure in my life, stability. I'm also a git, but that's another story.
Lemming Atheism - As you some of you more regular posters may know, I have a 'dim' view of religion, and a 'belief' that our 'true' intelligence is self-defeating. Humans are a cancer on the planet, for reasons of religion, our selfish genes, technology, etc. Hence, if we are to be truely enlightened, we should do what Lemmings do and jump off a cliff. Of course, I don't encourage anyone to do that, and I won't either, because I'm too damn selfish. Perhaps this all sounds a but buddhist....so kick me. Radiation and chemotherapy kills cancer, perhaps Lemming Atheism will cure our planet ?
I've also developed a new kind of therapy to try and wipe out any thoughts of Camus-type lemming suicide. 'I AM' therapy. You might like to try it. Basically, you list everything you've done, achieved, including bad stuff, and right it done. If you feel content when you've finished and you read the list, then throw those meds in the bin, you're on the way back to the consensual reality that most of the rest of the planet lives in. I.e, rain and misery, interupted with infrequent bouts of joy. If not, then, well, I haven't got that far yet. Here's my list:
I am Martin.
I have had sex with exactly 24 women, and 2 men.
I have lived in London, Amsterdam, Cape Town
I have ingested, at various times, MDMA, Weed, LSD, Amyl Nitrate, Magic Mushrooms, Cocaine, Heroin. (Not all at once.)
I have swam in all major oceans and seas.
I have travelled to 33 different countries.
I have been, at various times, enormously rich, and enormously poor
...etc. Give it a try.
Anyway, there you go. What a load of bullshit, but I needed to vent several bags of spleen. Or perhaps it's bile. I can never be sure anymore. My goddam brain doesn't even let me get out of my head anymore. I recently met a psychotic hermit (this is true, believe me) in a bar and we went to his shack in the woods (coincidently right next door to a Psychiatric Hopsital) and ate magic mushrooms and prepared to put the word to rights. Unfortunately, while he starting skipping about like Janis Joplin and raving like a madman, nothing happened to me. Except get cold and bored. Sigh.
Love to you all. Ignore everthing I say. Hope you're fighting the good fight.
