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The hell my mind created

1071 Views 2 Replies 2 Participants Last post by  InMyHead
My entire life, it seems in a way, has led to this. This, being a nightmare, a constant self awareness, accompanied with obsessive intrusive thoughts of worry, fear and agitation.

This, has successfully taken my awareness off of the world, off of my family, my x fiance, my mother, my brother and father, all my friends.

I'm 27, i have an associates in criminal justice, ive suffered with anxiety since i was a child.

When this happened:

It was a wednesday night about a year ago, i smoked up, and instead of feeling high and elated, i felt sad. All my memories started coming up, memories of failed relationships and memories of terrible things from when i was younger.

My mind let lose and my thoughts started spiraling out of control, sucking the energy out of me. I couldnt fall asleep and remember it was 4am and i had work in 3 hours, i took a deep breath and something cut off. All of a sudden, i felt disconnected. My sick feeling in my stomach from the worry and instense stress completely vanished. I felt numb, and i didnt mind it.

I kept smoking for the next 10 months, non stop, all along being in this numb state of mind.

Well two months ago i realized something wasnt right, i started having a terrible time sleeping. Then i noticed that my Libido was gone

So two months ago i quit pot and was left with this DP. I ended up in two psych wards, after two failed suicide attemps. Both attempts were lousy attempts.

What i've learned

I havent seen any progress or windows until recently

Just recently, ive accepted this, and all of my shortcoming in life. Everything that dominates my very all of a sudden vivid mind, ive come to peace with. I basically dont care anymore. Well, now my mind seems to be blank, and im starting to refocus my energy on the actual world outside my head.

Two nights ago, i completely let go, not by trying to let go, by truly being at peace with my situation.

Well, my whole body got warm and i fell asleep at 5pm. I woke up at 9pm and my whole body was vibrating with life, my heart was racing, my armpits were sweating, i awoke with a funny taste in my mouth, and i smelled myself. My senses were 100% back!

So, last night, i fell asleep around 2am and awoke today at 1130.. I watched a football game last night and my heart was racing.

The next step

For me atleast, is to get on with my life. I now realize what this is. In a way, its similar to my social phbia. My social phobia has taught me that when i focus on it, only then it gains power. I got over social phobia when i was 17 by focusing on other people, and letting go of myself. Well, this obsessive state of mind came back in the worst way through marijuana.

Now i know i just have to accept myself and be at peace, and the rest will happen on its own


Oh yeah, the other night after i fell asleep i woke up with crazy Libido
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I now consider myself about 95% over DP/DR. My heart is always racing now, Where before i couldn't get excited if someone put a gun to my head, or if a playboy model sat on my lap. Nothing would have made my heart race.

My sleep is still not right, but its getting better. I think i have more than just DP, i have a lot of stress all of a sudden. I think stress contributed to being depersonalized. Well, i guess the ruminations in my mind left the same time the stress came raging back.

But now, i can feel excited, i can run around and have fun and laugh. I don't feel as confused as i did a month or two ago, things are slowly making more sense.

I can almost feel the fire in my eyes i had before creeping back, and sometimes i have moments where i feel 100%, although my libido is still bad, most likely because I'm still dealing with a lot of stress. I bought a really expensive car 6 months ago and have a huge car payment after losing a really good job, and my finances are kind-of screwed up, my family doesn't really communicate with me anymore, so i think if i get my life back my remaining depression and stress will lift, insomnia will vanish and my libido will come back.

DP/DR was terrible, i honestly don't remember what it feels like right now, its as if i was in an altered state of mind, where nothing made much sense. But the key is, its brought on by Stress! Be it from anxiety, or a combination of depression and stress. For me its almost completely gone.

Also, i began Juicing(vegetable juice) about a month ago, I'm not sure if i can contribute my progress because of that, or meditation. I only meditated a few weeks but i can now focus on my breath whenever i feel stressed and the stress vanishes pretty quickly. I hope everyone feels better!
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