My entire life, it seems in a way, has led to this. This, being a nightmare, a constant self awareness, accompanied with obsessive intrusive thoughts of worry, fear and agitation.
This, has successfully taken my awareness off of the world, off of my family, my x fiance, my mother, my brother and father, all my friends.
I'm 27, i have an associates in criminal justice, ive suffered with anxiety since i was a child.
When this happened:
It was a wednesday night about a year ago, i smoked up, and instead of feeling high and elated, i felt sad. All my memories started coming up, memories of failed relationships and memories of terrible things from when i was younger.
My mind let lose and my thoughts started spiraling out of control, sucking the energy out of me. I couldnt fall asleep and remember it was 4am and i had work in 3 hours, i took a deep breath and something cut off. All of a sudden, i felt disconnected. My sick feeling in my stomach from the worry and instense stress completely vanished. I felt numb, and i didnt mind it.
I kept smoking for the next 10 months, non stop, all along being in this numb state of mind.
Well two months ago i realized something wasnt right, i started having a terrible time sleeping. Then i noticed that my Libido was gone
So two months ago i quit pot and was left with this DP. I ended up in two psych wards, after two failed suicide attemps. Both attempts were lousy attempts.
What i've learned
I havent seen any progress or windows until recently
Just recently, ive accepted this, and all of my shortcoming in life. Everything that dominates my very all of a sudden vivid mind, ive come to peace with. I basically dont care anymore. Well, now my mind seems to be blank, and im starting to refocus my energy on the actual world outside my head.
Two nights ago, i completely let go, not by trying to let go, by truly being at peace with my situation.
Well, my whole body got warm and i fell asleep at 5pm. I woke up at 9pm and my whole body was vibrating with life, my heart was racing, my armpits were sweating, i awoke with a funny taste in my mouth, and i smelled myself. My senses were 100% back!
So, last night, i fell asleep around 2am and awoke today at 1130.. I watched a football game last night and my heart was racing.
The next step
For me atleast, is to get on with my life. I now realize what this is. In a way, its similar to my social phbia. My social phobia has taught me that when i focus on it, only then it gains power. I got over social phobia when i was 17 by focusing on other people, and letting go of myself. Well, this obsessive state of mind came back in the worst way through marijuana.
Now i know i just have to accept myself and be at peace, and the rest will happen on its own
Oh yeah, the other night after i fell asleep i woke up with crazy Libido