Each day is the same but it's different. Today was no exception. As I got up from my bed feeling my already twirling brain searching for three thousand things to worry about, I was met with the constant blurry/camera vision in which focus seems to be on my thoughts or on the inside of my being instead of on the outside reality. I seem to leave a trace outside of myself even though I can't see myself from the outside. Everything surronding me seems like a product of my imagination as if I'm sleeping in some other reality so desperately begging to wake up from this horrible nightmare, letting out a sigh of relieve and be grateful for whatever reality i'm REALLY on. Instead I wake up in this one despite not having a concrete idea of what is real about it, seeing that my dreams seem so much more vivid and lucid than my walking reality. I don't pinch myself constantly because I do not like the idea of twisting my skin until my brain reacts to it, but if I did I'm quite aware there was a chance i'd probably rip my skin out from doing it so often. Nonetheless even pain seems like a distant feeling, even though I feel it pounding every second on the upper left side of my chest. The thing is there is no specific flaw about reality that triggers this sensation on me. It's grown to be a part of me. It's grown to be all of my middle school friends who have left me and all the others who I once thought i'd live a lifetime of happiness with, only this one seemingly doesn't leave or hasn't for the past 2 years. Time goes by. And so do people.
It's 03:40 in the morning and if you are good at guessing, or probably a suferer of DP yourself, you will probably know that I have insomnias or I just stay up until very late because at night, for some weird reason, I feel as though I'm more productive than during the day in which my brain weighs in the entire milky way and more. I feel this pressure on my brain as if I carried the world's thoughts all at once on the top of my head. My inside is reflecting on what happened during the day but instead of integrating it as a regular person (as I once was) would, it focuses on how the time between realities was non-existent. It was as if everything happened at once. I woke up, my brain was twirling and now i'm here almost 12 hours later and the feeling I had is that it all went by in such a heartbeat that I skipped my own. I could maybe breathe and relax, after all it was just one day. I was probably just really in the moment. But unless there's some sort of twisted psychology in which being intensly in the moment leads you to feel so disconnected you feel you're gonna float out of it, i've pretty much lived this sensation for the past 2 years of my life. It's gotten progressively worse as, thankfully, due to this awfully,terrifying piece of sh*t of a state i've now learned what anxiety is and all it's deepest most painful cruel forms. Ah, what a pleasure it is to be (or not being?) me in this space-time.
The toughest part of it all though is the social implications. First of all not only do I feel like my brain will melt in social situations where the words seem to scramble out of my mouth and my thought process is seemingly much faster than the words that come of my mouth, but I also feel the noises surrounding reality make me space out even more. Being on social enviroments just reminds me of how unsocial and disconnected I feel to it all. The places that once held some of my favourite memories today are meaningless or unappealing. But under hat same thought, so is everything in my life, because not only does this state take away your sense of reality it turns everything you once liked into a huge ball of numbness and shapes it in the form of your heart. And so you learn to live as a zombie, you now understand robots perfectly and mental illnesses now garner much more of your attention and interest more than they did before, because you've become them all in one single flesh and bone body.
I suffer from Depersonalization but I never call it by it's name. People never seem to understand it but they pretty much don't understand any mental illness/condition at all. I've spent so much time with it, so much time getting to know it, hanging around with it, living every nuance of it, that while every one of my friends became distant memories, I got one who became a constant reality. I don't call it DP, I call it: The grey space between myself and everything else.