[Alfred Tan]

Hello Guys!

Just want to update my story regarding the post viewtopic.php?t=94195

Yesterday we have a meet up for dinner. We settled out everything, the anxiety and the feelings she get in Cambodia is true, but it is entirely unrelated to our relationship/ or maybe a little bit, she said that last month she had almost fully recovered. Since she had move into full christian life, she had find peace and herself, and her attitude changed, she started to think of herself rather than think for others because in the past she was thinking for others only. Well it might be good for her in the future.

Our relationship broken is due to attitude problem, maybe at the starting we should not be together, at that time she was stress at work, and she needs accompany and caring maybe, and i gave her all she wants, that time got other colleagues was chasing her and even better than me, but instead she choose me, maybe she just got all the feelings to me that time, and i believe when we were together, she was so in love with me, she admitted that, but when times passes, it comes to reality, she might thinks that i am immature enough for her, and i was thinking to love a person should have try to sustain and keep on going, but actually it wasn't, what she said is correct, maybe at the past i did something that she don't like but she keen to let me do so because she was only think for the others. But i am still wondering is the anxiety that she get in cambodia, after it gone, she feel so relief and wanna be herself, and don't want to be in a relationship at the moment, she can be so cruel of letting go of our relationship whereas i did nothing wrong so badly like betrayed her or something, just because i lost control or emotional unstable that leads her to that, well, it was my fault of lost control but it is normal for a person to lost control and quarrel with her when a person dont know whether is that anxiety or attitude that leads our relationship to this? I am innocent all the time and guilty and she don't want to give me the second chance anymore, i am so sad and i wanted to get her back, but now it is extreme hard.

We was in tears when we were talking, i can't let go of her, she feel guilty of dragging our relationship for the beginning until the end, she stays so firm for her decision, she wants to move on for herself and hope i will move on too, she holds no chances for our future is because she don't want me to feel hopeless at the end, she hope that we can be friend back and don't be too sad about our past, she feel thankful that i take care of her for that particular months, we had a very serious yet gorgeous relationship that we had never been, but still, love is no right or wrong, we do not care how other people gonna judge us, but i won't want her to let other people saying her bad words, i admitted i still can't let go of her, but instead of giving her happiness, i love her, i will let her go to do what she wants, i don't dare to think about future whether we got the chance to be together or not, but if we are destined to be together, we will be together.

Well, it takes some time for me to move on, but at least i felt relief because i do not have questions around whether is because of anxiety or because of attitude, whatever will be, will be. Thank you guys for giving me great advise even though i am not listening, but as i said, when i get an honest answer from her face to face, give a closure, and this is our ending of our relationship.

 

[Alex617]

Go no contact.

 

[Alfred Tan]

Go no contact.

What you meant by go no contact?

 

[Alex617]

What you meant by go no contact?

Delete phone number, social media and don't message her. Do your own stuff.

 

[Alfred Tan]

Delete phone number, social media and don't message her. Do your own stuff.

It is kinda impossible as my love to her is still there.

 

[Alex617]

It is kinda impossible as my love to her is still there.

Can't dance with one partner.

 

[Alfred Tan]

Can't dance with one partner.

I will wait her still. But at the same time, give her time and space as i do my own stuffs, but i will be madly sad about her.

 

[Alex617]

I will wait her still. But at the same time, give her time and space as i do my own stuffs, but i will be madly sad about her.

You should try to find a partner who will want to be with you. My girl for example stays with me even when I have this illness, not doing much and snap at her easily. You need someone you can rely on in the long-term.

 

[Alfred Tan]

You should try to find a partner who will want to be with you. My girl for example stays with me even when I have this illness, not doing much and snap at her easily. You need someone you can rely on in the long-term.

Just don't understand why she will not give me a second chance, She don't love me that deep? Why can't she sacrifice that for me, don't start the relationship if she dont love me that deep!

 

[Chicane]

Did you ever get any real closure or resolution regarding all this? (since it seems like you were kind of hanging on even though you said it's over). I've been in a lot of relationships and simply put, most women just don't seem to like guys who talk too much or are too emotional. I kind of think Cyndi Lauper had it right with the whole girls just want to have fun thing. I mean don't get me wrong, I'll yak like there's no tomorrow if I'm only interested in being friends, but romance-wise you have to dial it down with the emotional aspect, at least in the beginning or when there's still no solid relationship to speak of. Keep things fun and lighthearted with her (assuming you still have contact), but I do agree with keeping that contact minimal and living your own life. Just try to feel it out and reciprocate if you feel any love from her, but back off again when you don't. And whatever you do, don't get too attached to any one outcome. These mind-games are shitty, but I feel they're just part and parcel of young, fickle love.

 

[Alfred Tan]

Did you ever get any real closure or resolution regarding all this? (since it seems like you were kind of hanging on even though you said it's over). I've been in a lot of relationships and simply put, most women just don't seem to like guys who talk too much or are too emotional. I kind of think Cyndi Lauper had it right with the whole girls just want to have fun thing. I mean don't get me wrong, I'll yak like there's no tomorrow if I'm only interested in being friends, but romance-wise you have to dial it down with the emotional aspect, at least in the beginning or when there's still no solid relationship to speak of. Keep things fun and lighthearted with her (assuming you still have contact), but I do agree with keeping that contact minimal and living your own life. Just try to feel it out and reciprocate if you feel any love from her, but back off again when you don't. And whatever you do, don't get too attached to any one outcome. These mind-games are shitty, but I feel they're just part and parcel of young, fickle love.

I understand what you are trying to say Chicane. But somehow, i takes love as everything. This is the only negative issues i am facing.

We had break for two weeks, first week i am suffering like hell, second week i tried my best to make my schedule as full as possible and she went for vacation with her families, she live happily. I tried my best not to think about her.

But today, the feeling comes back again. I am still feeling that the break up was too shocking. The reason for break-ups actually an excuses, and those reasons are all my weaknesses, and all these reasons that she don't mind at all when we were still together. Many of my friends said that it was not my fault, i did my very best. She is the one who lost the feelings. But it was so weird when she can be so fast lost her feelings completely in one month time. Her attitude changed since she completely goes into full christian life, she just want to live for herself and sacrifice the relationships. Last time she not even love to go to the church and so on, she loves freedom, but since after the cambodia case (anxiety feelings), she feels nobody can help her only she goes fully into christian life, but when after she fully recovered, she lost feelings of us, and she loves to be herself. Before we break up and she said she lost feelings to me, she told me but she don know why she will lost the feelings to me too in a sudden. she tried to maintain but the anxiety feelings attack her all the time, this is what make me confused.

But at the end, she looks different and happier without me. I can't accept that we end the relationship with this. I am still thinking want to give her a happy new year wishes upcoming days, and im thinking wanna buy a birthday present for her since her birthday is on next month.

 

[Alfred Tan]

Anybody can give me some suggestion after look all my life story here?

1. New year is coming soon. If i wanted to send my wishes to her, is that necessary or not necessary? and why?
2. Her birthday is on next month 22nd January 2016. Should i buy a present for her and send her wishes without letting her know is me? or just as usual? or don't give at all and why?
3. As your information, we are going Japan together with her friends. We didn cancelled our trip and we still go Japan on 23rd of January, (my birthday on 31st of January). I am trying to let go of this trip but at the same time i don't want her to feel guilty and let her feel that i am immature of letting go this trip, but somehow what should i do during the trip?

Please give me some suggestion. Need it so badly. Thanks.

 

[Sa-lB]

Anybody can give me some suggestion after look all my life story here?

1. New year is coming soon. If i wanted to send my wishes to her, is that necessary or not necessary? and why?
2. Her birthday is on next month 22nd January 2016. Should i buy a present for her and send her wishes without letting her know is me? or just as usual? or don't give at all and why?
3. As your information, we are going Japan together with her friends. We didn cancelled our trip and we still go Japan on 23rd of January, (my birthday on 31st of January). I am trying to let go of this trip but at the same time i don't want her to feel guilty and let her feel that i am immature of letting go this trip, but somehow what should i do during the trip?

Please give me some suggestion. Need it so badly. Thanks.

1. I would wish them a happy new year and send your best wishes.

2. I would wish them a happy birthday if the relationship didn't end badly, I would not buy them a gift or send an anonymous one. Why would you send a gift to someone who just broke up with you?

3. I don't think I would even go on the trip, you are her ex boyfriend. If I've not read this wrongly then you are going on a trip with her and just her friends? not yours?. You're going to feel like some weird tag along who doesn't seem to get the hint!

 

[Alfred Tan]

1. I would wish them a happy new year and send your best wishes.

2. I would wish them a happy birthday if the relationship didn't end badly, I would not buy them a gift or send an anonymous one. Why would you send a gift to someone who just broke up with you?

3. I don't think I would even go on the trip, you are her ex boyfriend. If I've not read this wrongly then you are going on a trip with her and just her friends? not yours?. You're going to feel like some weird tag along who doesn't seem to get the hint!

1. But i feel like not wishing her as not every friend i would send them wishes, so do her as we became friend back.

2. Our relationship did not end badly, we had discussed and break up peacefully and she hopes that we will become friend because she don't want to lose a good friend like me. I wanted to send a birthday gift to her but somehow...

3. Not only her friends, some of her friends are our friends, meaning my friends too. They all know we break up and my friends hoping that i would be mature enough to let go and continue with the trip.

 

[Alfred Tan]

.

 

[Guest]

Alfred,

This is turning into a non-dp related matter, I understand you're upset, but your ex girlfriend is the one with the DP. We can all be supportive through a breakup because I'm sure we've been there, but this thread has turned into how to help you move on without your girlfriend. We're not really relationship experts, and even though most people will probably chastise me for this, this isn't the goal of the site, the goal is to help yourself and others with DPD. Seeing as how none of those is what you are asking for, it's kind of off topic and taking away from other areas of support that are needed.

I think you need to discuss these issues with a professional. It may help you greatly in finding the answers you want.

 

[Alfred Tan]

Alfred,

This is turning into a non-dp related matter, I understand you're upset, but your ex girlfriend is the one with the DP. We can all be supportive through a breakup because I'm sure we've been there, but this thread has turned into how to help you move on without your girlfriend. We're not really relationship experts, and even though most people will probably chastise me for this, this isn't the goal of the site, the goal is to help yourself and others with DPD. Seeing as how none of those is what you are asking for, it's kind of off topic and taking away from other areas of support that are needed.

I think you need to discuss these issues with a professional. It may help you greatly in finding the answers you want.

I understand. Just that before I get into professional, at least I could get some way on how to deal with it after break up because i could not figure it out. I just can't find a way out of it. I'm sorry.