[sebastian]

I'm writing this at work so you'll have to forgive if things seem a little choppy. The last month or so i've been feeling hopelessly optomistic about my future, my life, and the world in general. It's not that things were going so well, but i had finally gotten myself together after a crippling year mired in destructive thoughts and brain-swelling ideas. 2004 was undoubtedly the worst of my life, and 2005 wasn't shaping up to be much better. Around March of this year i started to get a little respite from my psychological affliction and after i started assessing my "real life" situation (as opposed to the hypothetical horrors hounding me in the dp-induced fantasy world), things were really starting to look up.

I think i'm actually a ridiculously positive person, despite my querulous nature and neurotic tendencies. I always find within me a deep well of hope and inspiration that i can draw upon when things get really tough. Often, when DP and anxiety has me clutched tight in its talons, i'm unable to reach the well...although it's always there for me when i'm able to slip back to sanity and regain myself for a moment. It's the fuel with which my own psychological process perpetuates itself. It's my sun rising at dawn. Really, it's this oasis of hope that sustains me and inspires my belief in God, guardian angels, and the like. It's an extraordinarily powerful thing, and i don't know what i'd do without it.

Aside: I think it's hilarious that i'm writing this at work right now with people walking all around me, bustling about, doing the "bureaucratic shuffle", while i write of the end of all things. I'm sure several of them are thinking, "Does this guy do ANY work at this place?" but i'm past the point of pretending with them. I intend to quit in two days, but more on that later.

Like i say, i've been feeling pretty good lately. An almost overwhelming desire to soar out of the dark miasma of banality and explode into action. I sit here now watching these corporate slaves making phone calls, inputting data, arranging meetings...all for what? To further the imperialist agenda of this company i work for? It's a company like a million others...in the business of making money. Which is fine. I'm a capitalist at heart, and i have no problem with people making money. The thing i take issue with is when someone like me or the rest of the proletariat humps into work every day, five days a week, merely to sustain their own pathetic existence...desperately yearning for that "long weekend" when they can drink themselves silly and copulate with one another (doesn't sound so bad in itself, but when this is what one aspires to, because their mind has been so mollified by corporate tedium that they can't muster the energy for anything greater, this is bad). It's pathetic. Life is so short. I lay in bed in anguish some nights when i think of all i've let slip through my fingers. Hours upon hours...days upon days...years upon years wasted in all aspects of my life. Mind-numbing occupations...dissonance in relationships...half-hearted literary foreplay. I'm 32 now, for God's sake! What the hell has happened? I am nowhere near being comfortable with myself or my life. It's as if i'm trapped in some lame Ziggy comic strip, endlessly lamenting the cosmic circumstances that have landed me where i am. I've too long allowed anxiety and dp to dictate what i'm doing. This has simply got to end.

So "Operation Change" is finally being implemented. All of the areas of my life that i find are lacking (virtually every area), i'm going to change. I'm going to do what i'm supposed to do. Instead of slaving away in a crappy job, making crappy money, shuffling through life waiting for my family and friends to die and get sick, i'm going to be who i truly am. Does that make sense? Why should i conform to society's etiquettes and expectations? Why should i hide my true feelings? Why should i fear anything? We are all (even you wacky atheists) in the hands of God...or, to make it more palatable for the unbelievers...in the hands of fate. I think we've all probably lived before...i think we all possess spiritual energy which is transferable throughout time and space. I believe life is just a short blip where you should have lots of fun and be as curious as possible and do what you are destined to do. And i do believe in destiny, or at least some variation of the idea. So what is stopping me from acting this way? Why do i still whittle away with the rabble?

I think this is an enormously important idea. To reject the "normal life". When one acquires an arcane perspective of the world in general and their meagre place in it, it is evident how fragile and fleeting life is. Hit by a bus! Cancerous tumour! Blindness! Slipped on a seashell by the seashore and cracked their skull like an egg! Milestone birthdays! A married ex-girlfriend! Time slip sliding away...all things tend toward chaos. We are dying from the moment we're born, and it doesn't take long to see. The skin gets saggy, the eyes droop, the hair falls out, the bones crack, the knees crumble, the well of hope dries up and is replaced by a deep dark cavern of complacency. This will not do. This cannot be. It is time for the End of All Things.

Of course it's very easy to write about this. And i've done it before. I went through all of this a few years ago...this pseudo-midlife crisis thing. But it's very easy to write this down, drunk on coffee and high on ideas. The trouble comes when implementing "Operation Change" on a logistics level. How does one go about this? How does one abandon banality and embrace adventure, excitement, and all the passions rife in a man without fear?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I actually wrote that whole thing last week and saved it because i didn't feel as though it was ready to post, as i had yet to conclude my thoughts. I went into my boss' office today and essentially asked her if i could make more money. I was basically told No, as i haven't dedicated myself to the company (when i got hired, i only started part time as i just needed some spending money while i worked on my book...1 1/2 years later and i'm here full time, having the life sucked out of me on a daily basis...but anyway, when i was hired i told them not to get too comfortable with me as i'd be leaving soon...possibly not the wisest thing to do, but it was a pride thing, and i had not even the slightest intention on staying too long anyway.) A couple of months of sustaining myself and my DP hit, and i got swept back up into the self-perpetuating drama of fear and subsistence. I cannot believe how i've spent the last couple of years. What a waste.

Anyway, i'm going to wrap this up because i'm going home now and want to post this before i leave. I intend to post more soon but this is all i can manage at the moment. I apologize for the lackluster wrap-up.

s.

Oh yeah, any comments or advice would be wildly appreciated.

 

[Milan]

I have a lot I want to say about what you wrote but a lot of it would be me relating my experiences with yours and promulgating my opinions. That would be selfish as this is your post and you have been extremely honest with us. Therefore I have only one thing to say:

GO FOR IT!!!!

 

[terri*]

Oh how I wish I could give some sage advice that would make your search for "the" answer come in as clear as a crystal ball. But alas, it is not the witching hour and I've lost my powers.

If you can get by doing what you want to do with some form of roof over your head and food in your belly, if this desire of yours can be obtained without causing yourself any physical or mental harm, then it is time to implement whatever plan you have thought up for yourself.

I have seen friends change jobs at ages older than you. I have seen friends cash in there 401's, IRA's and go on the run for as long as it will last. They have gone and done everything they could do for as long as they could. And they have all been happier for it.

Unless you have an endless supply of money, I do think it will well serve you to remain at the imperialistic job until you can fulfill your dream. Call me overly cautious, but I do want some money before I head out on an excellent adventure. :wink:

Hey, best wishes... however it goes down. And don't freak about the 32 year old thing. You've lots more years to feel awful about what you're not accomplishing.

As you say, you have your "oasis of hope that sustains" you. "Be at peace then and put aside all anxious thoughts and imaginings."

Most sincerely,
terri

 

[agentcooper]

come on sebastian! lets run away to honalee! i'm ready...also slightly drunk right now...

but seriously, i really do feel THAT too. not exactly what you're saying but i'm definately sick of just dying...not living.

 

[widescreened]

im excited about this,and concerned a bit as well.u r right to identify what the job u r in sucks.and you are right to plan a leap of faith in2 the unknown,but watch out!!if you hit a downer and have nothing to fall back on except the idea of writing a book,you could hit an all time low.so keep the money rolling in if you plan on quitting.get another job organized.leave with a good reference.have support and friends close to you at all times.dont jump off the back of a train and roll down the embankment without being able to speak the local language or without a map at hand.wreckless change reeks of desperation and is just as damaging as a dead end job.maybe u should do a bit of charity work or fight an enviornmental cause,or a humanitarian cause.if you yearn for meaning in your job,what better way than this!!good luck,but keep your options open.

 

[Kelson12]

Sebatian,

Ya know...I feel this way often as well and I'm only 26. According to the way of life as everyone views it, I still have like 30 years left of working. But ya know...for what? Why? So I can have money to do all the pointless things life has to offer? I work at a job I just don't enjoy...but ya know what...I don't enjoy much nowadays. And I totally agree with what you said about people just living for the weekends to just get drunk and then push through the next week to do the same again the following weekend. Sometimes I think the same way and then I begin to wonder, is this all life is going to be for me? Work for 5 days, try to have some fun on the weekends to only work for 5 more days, etc..etc...etc...over and over again? It just doesn't seem to be worth it. Specially with experiencing DP, Depression, etc. It makes it even worse. It just seems so unfair that no matter how we feel in the morning, we are expected to want to come to work, act like we want to be there, corporate slave ourselves through the day and act excited to do so. I don't think this is how God intends us to live.

I would love to be able to just stop this life I am living and live only for myself. But ya know what....money makes the world go round. Without making a consistent income I wouldn't be able to survive. I wish I could just work with little kids all day and be a positive influence in their lives. But unfortunently, my degree is in Human Resources, so I probably wouldn't have much luck gaining a new job in a field working with kids.

Honestly, I could go on and on and on and on about many topics about my life, but I don't want to bore anyone and plus I need to get back to my corporate slavery. But Sebastian...I agree with you and feel that if you want to change, then go for it! I think it will deep down, make you feel alot better about yourself and I hope one day I can do the same. Take care.

Kelson

 

[Guest]

My first thought for you is that these changes do not need to take place in your external life; it's a shift of mindset. Isn't there a quote in Hamlet, "There is nothing either good or bad, only thinking makes it so--"? Not that I would wholly agree with that.

Life will trap you no matter which way you turn or what you attempt to change. So the major changes have to take place within you, which it seems they already have.

 

[Martinelv]

As usual, a beautifully written piece Sebastian. I must say, my stomach started to churn (not with anger, or sickness, but with anxiety) when I started reading this. I too have had these almost manic feelings of optimism (remember my 'First Book of the Art' nonsense?) from time to time - like yourself, probably on a yearly basis. Yes, I'm going to quit my job and become what I was 'meant to be'. A best selling author (not a sell-out of course, true to my literary roots) living on a remote Scottish Island, which has it's own unique climate (constant raging thunderstorms), a local pub where everybody adores me, and a woman who I sincerely love, and loves me thrice-fold in return. Yes, that'll do for me. No more sitting in this shi**y office, eyes, for this petty company with it's petty rules and compulsory SELF-F******G-CONFIDENCE training course.

The problem is....to quote...

How does one abandon banality and embrace adventure, excitement, and all the passions rife in a man without fear?

You need money. Lots of it. And luck. Lots of it. And bravery. And lots and lots of that. Well, unless you want to walk the earth in tatty clothes, expecting to enounter daily adventures like Lassie, which, unfortunately, doesn't happen in the real world. Out of the four billion people on this planet, how many do you think, as a percentage, live the lives we want to lead? Something close to 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.1%. And how many people, as a percentage, dream about living the lives we want to lead. I'd say - 50%, the rest of them content with what they've got.

Sorry for sounding so Scattered, Seb. But nothing wrong with optimism, and definately nothing wrong with wanting to change your life. So hey, ignore me. As long as you have hope, then, nothing much else can go wrong.

In fact, if you're brave enough to jump into the unknown, then I'll be there to applaud you and wish you well.

 

[Eurythmic]

but if you never try, then you'll never know, and i dont agree that you need alot of money to fulfill your dream, unless your dream is ot become a millioniare, which in my opinion is a waste of time as money means nothing.
The plight for happiness continues, and if your not happy now, trying to change it can only lead to good things,
"Take into account that great love and great achievments involve great risk" - Nepalese good luck mantra!

All the best in your journey,
I have every faith you'll get there
El
xxx

 

[agentcooper]

nah...you don't need "lots of money" to lead a life full of adventure and excitement. it's true, you will need some money, but how much depends on your priorities.

 

[Martinelv]

I'm not trying to discourage him. It's just that I regard Sebastian as a good friend, and I see a lot of him in me (whether he likes it or not), and I don't want him to do anything recklessly foolish like I have done over and over and over again. See, these ideas of, basically, doing what you want to do - usually ends in tears. Trust me on that.

So I'm not trying to discourage him, in fact, I'd love to see him jump in the void screaming ; 'Excitement, life, adventure, here I come'. And hope to god it works for him.

It's strange, me trying to offer sensible advice. My heart screams for Sebastian to do it, f**k it and do it, and if he does and succeeds, I'd be as jealous as hell - because every molecule in my body wants to go on a similarly insane crusade, but my morbid imagination see's him lying in the gutter...more miserable than ever.

 

[sebastian]

So I'm not trying to discourage him, in fact, I'd love to see him jump in the void screaming ; 'Excitement, life, adventure, here I come'. And hope to god it works for him.

I knew it! Closet God lover!

Thanks for the advice everyone. It truly is appreciated. Big things are definitely happening in my life these days, and it's good to come here to reflect on how sane or ridiculous my decisions might be in the context of others with the same disorder.

I'll post on here again soon and give updates if anyone's interested. Right now, i have to get going, but thanks so much for all the advice/opinions.

Out of the four billion people on this planet, how many do you think, as a percentage, live the lives we want to lead? Something close to 0000000000000000000000000000000000000000000.1%.

Psst...by the way Martin, you could have done away with about 20 of those zeros to achieve the same number. :wink:

 

[Brainsilence02]

I like adventure too, but happyness is on little things. A walk in the park can be big adventure depending on what you have in your mind.

Want more adventure, go ask a woman out. Just find one on the street and flirt. Don't flirt to "win" her impression, just for flirt.

And now, time to be a jerk... Sorry, but I want to be honest.

You are 32 and you don't know yourself. I am 23 and I don't know myself. Two weeks ago, I would say that my life has come to an end without knowing myself. Self-problems, self-conflicts, lack of self-knowledge, you name it. But I realise that it's time to meet myself.

What if I was 33 instead of 23? Same thing. No other choice. Meet yourself.

You lost things from your life? Got passed by life? No, I don't think so. You just lived some years without knowing yourself and thus the choices you made (on how to live your life) were

"And why things seemed so nice when I was a kid?" -- Because you knew all you had to know about yourself back then. Growing up, should have been escorted by a proportional self-knowledge. It didn't, so growing up made you feel you know yourself less. Again, my opinion.

We are dying from the moment we're born, and it doesn't take long to see.

So? This only makes one sad when he/she doesn't live vividly. Just restore, don't think of that. This is how things are. You remember "Be drunk"?

Try these questions:
- who are you?
- what do you want to achieve?
- what goals do you have?

 

[Scattered]

Be Drunk. A call to mindless hedonism with no regard to the future. A saying that basically says, we may as well anesthetize ourselves to reality by being continually inebriated, in our fantasy worlds.

You have to be always drunk. That's all there is to it--it's the

only way. So as not to feel the horrible burden of time that breaks

your back and bends you to the earth, you have to be continually

drunk.

This is as cynical as anything I've ever said. Be drunk because the world is fucked, and will do whatever it can to hold you down and rob you of pleasure. This is proactive blindness to pain.

Whether you're drunk or not, reality has a way of slapping you in the face and helping you to sober up.

 

[Milan]

Psst...by the way Martin, you could have done away with about 20 of those zeros to achieve the same number.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: Good pick up Seb.

And if we're gonna be pedantic there are actually over 6 billion people on this planet today. And I say there would only be about a billion living a comfortable life with 'adequate' water, food and health facilities. So people stop your ranting and be happy that your in the top 0.16666666666666666666666666666667% lucky ones enjoying this life style.

Oh Seb, it would be prudent to have a plan B in place before you venture out. I did a few things without thinking or rather ignoring the consequences and I really f***** up. Paying for it dearly today. And money is important. People say it isn't because they have enough to survive, living in countrys with welfare etc. Try saying that to the five billion who have so little that it only allows them to exist. It's a different world today and you need the bucks to survive and little more to live.

 

[Brainsilence02]

A call to mindless hedonism with no regard to the future

Why mindless? He insists "that's all there is to it" to say that "life is worth for the good parts of it". Why no regard to the future?

anesthetize ourselves to reality by being continually inebriated, in our fantasy worlds.

Isn't this the the results of a pure emotional prespective of the world? Not that I consent with a pure emotional prespective. Imagine a line, on the one side there is too much emotion and in the other too much logic. I want to be right in the middle. And you also, I want to slide upon this line (addapting to the situation).

Like Elytis said, it's better to live with an emotional logic or a logical emotion.

Be drunk because the world is f---, and will do whatever it can to hold you down and rob you of pleasure.

The world is not nice or sad or wrong. The world is, and it is us who add the next word: nice, sad, wrong.

The world will not do anything. Our prespective to the world does. The man who wrote the poem is trying to cope the fact that he will die. This is his way, I don't entirely agree, but he approached one of my points of view:

"I do nothing worthy in my life, but even if I had a career what meaning would it have since I don't 'feel'".

And in the end, the only thing that matters is what you took and what you gave. Understanding and learning is the mean to that.

We are happy only inside our illusions. When there is no illusion, there is no emotion, ergo, there is no happiness.

Whether you're drunk or not, reality has a way of slapping you in the face and helping you to sober up.

No, not reality, it's my thoughts that is slapping me in the face. "Sober up"? Worry only takes happiness away, not the problem.

This is proactive blindness to pain.

Sorry, I didn't got that.

This is as cynical as anything I've ever said.

I am, in no way, insulted by your comments. I don't understand the word cynical. I understand that there are many wasy to understand that poem and one of them is what you said. To be frank, that was my point of view in the first place. But my current one is:

If you look life with pure logic you will see that there is no meaning. So find your own. Life slips away, to cope with that fact do something meaningful (meaningful to you), something that will make you happy. And I give a name to this desirable happiness: "drunkness", because when you are drunk you magically change to feeling better.

 

[Monkeydust]

Good on you Sebastian. I'm like Martin on this. I always will myself to make these changes; but so far I end up forgetting and giving up halfway. Good luck.

 

[Martinelv]

Psst...by the way Martin, you could have done away with about 20 of those zeros to achieve the same number.

I did it for dramatic effect. Nobody appreciates my efforts.