Hi Janine and others - I think I may drop in and share my experience too.
Some years ago when I had my PTSD psychosis, in the end I was having almost exactly the same delusion about inventing the world and being my own god in my personal universe. Though my delusion was psychosis-related, I guess it doesn't differ from other people's anxiety-based experiences in this forum. I had also a delusion of grandiosity, like: "If I play my cards well with my universe and choose the best reality for me, I'll achieve something VERY BIG, e.g. I'll be awarded a Nobel prize or something like that and I'll be SOOOO famous!" (Indeed I feel ashamed telling this here.
)
What Janine said in her post about the fears behind the delusion is so true:
I didn't believe that other people were wholly my invention, but rather that their realities crossed with mine while I was interacting with them, and I thought there were a plenty of universes and I just had to somehow "choose" the best universe for me. I really thought I could choose a universe, in which I could become one of the most celebrated people in the world. (So self-important, huh?)
I guess I started believing in that delusion, bc inside I quietly believed noone loves me, that I'm trash and can never achieve anything in my miserable life as I couldn't/cannot control what has happened/will happen to me (e.g. the rape in my past and my depression). So in the psychotic state of mind I freed myself from those painful feelings within and instead created a delusion, which was just the opposite of my deep fears.
Thus I feel Janine is absolutely right in this thing - the bizarre delusions are such an easy way for the psyche to shut down the fears of inadequacy etc. in one's life. It was so much easier to believe that I had created the universe or at least that I was in total control of it - than accept the fact that I cannot control everything in my life. In my PTSD psychosis I thought I even was raped just because deep inside I felt I deserve it, and thus the rape happened only bc of me.
It was so much easier to think like that cuz in that way I didn't have to deal with the uncertainties of life, nor with my insecurities related to it.
However - I'm aware that there is still some truth behind my psychotic delusion of being in control of my own universe. Metaphorically, or even literally to some extent, it is really true. I can choose what to say and make people around me happy/sad/angry/etc. with my choice of words, and I can decide which actions to take to achieve e.g. a degree at uni, an occupation, my scifi comic project etc. etc.
But... An anxious or psychotic mind (being in a regressed state, using Janine?s words) is in a state, which will easily take the delusion for granted for some reason. I believe the delusions almost always have a connection with some underlying, repressed fears - i.e. as my psychotic mind told me that I'm going to become something great in my life, it was a defense of not feeling the underlying crushing fear of being nothing. Similarly my delusion of being in control of my reality was based on my fear of having no control in my life.
This is why I think delusions can be insightful, cuz they definitely have been like that for me. Without my psychosis I would never have learned to treasure my everyday life and existence this fast. Though I admit that it is absolutely dangerous to give power to the delusions - it is a certain way to personal misery - I think they also may hint what might be wrong with you. You might look at the type/style of your delusions and try to see if there's something hidden. At least this was the case for me.
Anyone agree/disagree?
Some years ago when I had my PTSD psychosis, in the end I was having almost exactly the same delusion about inventing the world and being my own god in my personal universe. Though my delusion was psychosis-related, I guess it doesn't differ from other people's anxiety-based experiences in this forum. I had also a delusion of grandiosity, like: "If I play my cards well with my universe and choose the best reality for me, I'll achieve something VERY BIG, e.g. I'll be awarded a Nobel prize or something like that and I'll be SOOOO famous!" (Indeed I feel ashamed telling this here.
)What Janine said in her post about the fears behind the delusion is so true:
Although the root of my psychosis was PTSD and the overwhelmingly painful memories of being raped, I also had very little self-esteem and huge fear of failure toward my studies and life in general. Thus I guess it felt so safe for me to plunge into that delusion, in which I felt I had created the reality for me, cuz in that way I had the (wrong) impression that I had everything in control.
I didn't believe that other people were wholly my invention, but rather that their realities crossed with mine while I was interacting with them, and I thought there were a plenty of universes and I just had to somehow "choose" the best universe for me. I really thought I could choose a universe, in which I could become one of the most celebrated people in the world. (So self-important, huh?)
I guess I started believing in that delusion, bc inside I quietly believed noone loves me, that I'm trash and can never achieve anything in my miserable life as I couldn't/cannot control what has happened/will happen to me (e.g. the rape in my past and my depression). So in the psychotic state of mind I freed myself from those painful feelings within and instead created a delusion, which was just the opposite of my deep fears.
Thus I feel Janine is absolutely right in this thing - the bizarre delusions are such an easy way for the psyche to shut down the fears of inadequacy etc. in one's life. It was so much easier to believe that I had created the universe or at least that I was in total control of it - than accept the fact that I cannot control everything in my life. In my PTSD psychosis I thought I even was raped just because deep inside I felt I deserve it, and thus the rape happened only bc of me.
It was so much easier to think like that cuz in that way I didn't have to deal with the uncertainties of life, nor with my insecurities related to it.
However - I'm aware that there is still some truth behind my psychotic delusion of being in control of my own universe. Metaphorically, or even literally to some extent, it is really true. I can choose what to say and make people around me happy/sad/angry/etc. with my choice of words, and I can decide which actions to take to achieve e.g. a degree at uni, an occupation, my scifi comic project etc. etc.
But... An anxious or psychotic mind (being in a regressed state, using Janine?s words) is in a state, which will easily take the delusion for granted for some reason. I believe the delusions almost always have a connection with some underlying, repressed fears - i.e. as my psychotic mind told me that I'm going to become something great in my life, it was a defense of not feeling the underlying crushing fear of being nothing. Similarly my delusion of being in control of my reality was based on my fear of having no control in my life.
This is why I think delusions can be insightful, cuz they definitely have been like that for me. Without my psychosis I would never have learned to treasure my everyday life and existence this fast. Though I admit that it is absolutely dangerous to give power to the delusions - it is a certain way to personal misery - I think they also may hint what might be wrong with you. You might look at the type/style of your delusions and try to see if there's something hidden. At least this was the case for me.
Anyone agree/disagree?
