I want to write this entry because I have never seen one written explicitly about this topic, despite it seeming to be a hugely relevant issue with DP/DR. At least, that is, it's hugely relevant to me and this is something I'm unfortunately only now coming to terms with 6 years into suffering from this disorder.
What I want to write about is the deep grief that comes with DP/DR. A YouTuber who's videos I found a great comfort during the start of my suffering (raleighrailfan is his username) memorably put it well. Ironically, I cannot remember what he said verbatim nor remember what exact video he said it in, but I remember he describes DP/DR as inducing the deepest sadness in you due to the invalidation of everything you hold as real, true, and dear to you. This, I think, is spot on and important.
Most of us have at some point considered what it would be like to die and observe the aftermath of our death. Even if not that specifically, we have considered what might happen to the world and our loved ones after we die. This triggers a great sadness in the considerer, who realised the world will go on and they will not be able to take part in it, sharing experiences with their loves ones and the world. DP/DR is like an actualisation of this scenario. With DP/DR, as you know, you are taken away from your life, your reality, your loved ones, your hobbies and interests, your ups and downs, your personality, selfhood, soul! This, for me at least, creates an unmanageable sadness. Looking at one's mother and seeing nothing but alien, dead, plastic matter move in an anthropomorphised manner is the deepest pain the heart can feel.
I now believe it is this sadness that I have been attempting to escape for so long, with many fallacious and counterproductive coping mechanisms, which I have used to numb and distract myself from my emotions. This is so important because DP/DR, as is often stated by professionals and sufferers, is largely the brain's reaction to traumatic and stressful emotions and events. I think they also say that sufferers are people who avoid painful emotions in general, so the way to better oneself so as to completely eradicate the brain's need to do this is to face the emotions, process them, move on from them, and realise they don't pose any life-threatening danger. So (for me at least), the primary emotion I feel and am running from is this deep grief caused by DP/DR, and certainly I have been running. I recall countless times when I feel deep sadness and longing when I realise I am missing out on my life and I almost trigger my symptoms purposely just to numb the feelings and distract myself. Worse still, I have also lost two close family members in the last few years. Not only have I lost them, I lost my last moments with them to DP/DR.
Since the only thing I really am with this disorder is a pained soul longing for reality and suffering deep grief, that grief is what I must get in touch with, and, in turn, I should be able to get in touch with myself again.
I hope one or two readers can resonate with this to a considerable degree that might help them clarify their own suffering and feelings.
What I want to write about is the deep grief that comes with DP/DR. A YouTuber who's videos I found a great comfort during the start of my suffering (raleighrailfan is his username) memorably put it well. Ironically, I cannot remember what he said verbatim nor remember what exact video he said it in, but I remember he describes DP/DR as inducing the deepest sadness in you due to the invalidation of everything you hold as real, true, and dear to you. This, I think, is spot on and important.
Most of us have at some point considered what it would be like to die and observe the aftermath of our death. Even if not that specifically, we have considered what might happen to the world and our loved ones after we die. This triggers a great sadness in the considerer, who realised the world will go on and they will not be able to take part in it, sharing experiences with their loves ones and the world. DP/DR is like an actualisation of this scenario. With DP/DR, as you know, you are taken away from your life, your reality, your loved ones, your hobbies and interests, your ups and downs, your personality, selfhood, soul! This, for me at least, creates an unmanageable sadness. Looking at one's mother and seeing nothing but alien, dead, plastic matter move in an anthropomorphised manner is the deepest pain the heart can feel.
I now believe it is this sadness that I have been attempting to escape for so long, with many fallacious and counterproductive coping mechanisms, which I have used to numb and distract myself from my emotions. This is so important because DP/DR, as is often stated by professionals and sufferers, is largely the brain's reaction to traumatic and stressful emotions and events. I think they also say that sufferers are people who avoid painful emotions in general, so the way to better oneself so as to completely eradicate the brain's need to do this is to face the emotions, process them, move on from them, and realise they don't pose any life-threatening danger. So (for me at least), the primary emotion I feel and am running from is this deep grief caused by DP/DR, and certainly I have been running. I recall countless times when I feel deep sadness and longing when I realise I am missing out on my life and I almost trigger my symptoms purposely just to numb the feelings and distract myself. Worse still, I have also lost two close family members in the last few years. Not only have I lost them, I lost my last moments with them to DP/DR.
Since the only thing I really am with this disorder is a pained soul longing for reality and suffering deep grief, that grief is what I must get in touch with, and, in turn, I should be able to get in touch with myself again.
I hope one or two readers can resonate with this to a considerable degree that might help them clarify their own suffering and feelings.
