Just wanted to pop on here and post something which i think is probably one of the most horrible aspects of this disorder: Indifference.
What is up with my emotional state these days? It's so bizarre. I mean, setting aside all the dpness and anxiety and depression, there is a real wistfullness and aching melancholy that constantly seems to be in the background of my mind. Hmm...how do i explain this? Like, it's almost as if i think of people and things and events as if they at one time existed or could have come true, but have now been reduced to a memory...painful in it's promised potential, but out of reach at this point in my life.
That doesn't really make much sense, does it? Allow me to illustrate by example...
I hate my job. It is just like, beyond stupid. I look around at my co-workers, stuffing their fat faces with donuts and docility, guzzling down coffee after coffee, to which they are, at this point in their sad lives, completely immune to. Gossiping about every thing and every body...i mean, my God, do these women gossip. The moment one leaves the room, they'll start complaining about her to the other women. It's really remarkable actually. It happens almost everytime. And what's really funny is that two of them will be there conspiring over a third...and then when one of them gets up and the other comes back, those two will engage in similar conspiratorial chatter about the other. Really, really bizarre. I feel like one of those researchers on those discovery channel shows that is giving examining the peculiarities of a certain animal species.
Anyway...digressing...i hate my job enormously. And yet, given all my qualifications, talents, ostensible ambitions...i continue to work there. Day after miserable day. Why? I truly don't know. Job offers pop in my lap from family and friends...all it would take is an ounce of initiative on my part, and i could probably get something else. And yet...i do nothing. My mother is absolutely baffled that her son, who has shown so much promise in the past, continues to punch out such a meagre existence. Constant fights erupt between the two of us. She tells me to get a job that i enjoy...i tell her to mind her own business (in a much nicer way of course). Having these fights stresses me out...talking about my job stresses me out...discussing it with friends who have much better jobs, stresses me out...the job itself stresses me out in that it's so boring and so beneath what i'm capable of that i can barely stand it.
Everything stresses me out. And yet, i make absolutely no effort to change.
Tonight, i was playing the piano and i started crying because the song was just so beautiful. Two nights ago in bed, while trying to drift off to sleep, a song i remember hearing years ago played on the radio...it used to be my mother's favourite song and she used to play it all the time when i was a boy. I hadn't heard it for decades. I cried so hard...it was as if i was lamenting her death or something. But she's still alive.
I hadn't cried in ages. That time was the first in awhile.
I often just feel as if i'm going through the motions. I feel as though i could watch a friend get decapitated and all i would do is raise an eyebrow. Viscerally, i'm not sure the event would stir any emotion in me at all. I know it should. And who knows...maybe it would...but it just seems so weird these days. Completely indifferent for weeks and then a sudden rupture of tears at hearing a trickling A minor...
Anyway...i guess i'm all over the place in this post. If anyone would care to add their thoughts on indifference, i'd be quite interested to hear them.