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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
one of the most frightening things about dp i find is the feeling of 'knowing too much' or a quantum leap that left my insides behind .
For instance i can be listening to a record that before dp, i knew what it meant , but now its like, 'Oh, no this is what was really going on' dont know if anyone knows what i mean. kind of hard to explain

Also not being able to tell if i was dp'd or not when i was younger, (had 2 breakdowns before this) like you cant tell the back from the front about your emotional life with this
it seems like this is 'Reality', how its meant to be, no frills or fuss, and life before dp was me just living in my head, or self deluded, like 'Do you still believe in fairies?....'

it was like i was working towards a sense of completeness in a way, then it all fell apart . then it was like looking from the outside at this complicated 3d structure that i was once inside of

Before the dp, it was like being on top of a helter skelter, it wasnt a straight road, but you knew what had happened in your life, how you felt and why, and looking down it came with it answers.
Its hard to imagine thinking like that now, it just feels hollow when i do

Also the sense of fragmentation, like your dimensions of self have well , er, fragmented. :roll: (Im wondering now if this multi - dimensional thing isnt normal just residual effect of previous breakdowns anyway )

judgement scale has gone, cant get a handle on 'where im up to' with myself or if someone said ' How do you feel on a scale of 1 - 5. I wouldnt be able to say, its like, well, where is 5? its like ' compared to what ?' lol

If somebody said 'oh ive alway thought you was good at ..so and so... id be like, oh, right, but before it would have lifted my spirits

sorry, just rambling,
*sigh* its just all too complicated...............

:roll:
 
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I'll respond here because I sure know what you're talking about. And it's made all the worse if you get up the courage to write about it and then it seems NOBODY else can relate, lol

I had the most bizarre ideas/thoughts that you could ever imagine. And for some reason, people here on the board tend to tell ME their crazy thoughts - often rather than posting them (I think they're afraid they will truly sound insane and they're also afraid they'll give new ideas to impressionable people). But I know MANY people here who have outrageous delusional thinking that torments them every day.

It's not insanity, but it sure is delusional. I also had the complete CONVICTION (I was 100 per cent positive) that I was slowly being "given" knowledge - as if I was seeing, or understanding, some fundamental secrets of the universe - the key to alchemy, or some revelation about the universe and existence. I was petrified of knowing, did NOT want to know - but was even more afraid of being surprised. So to prevent shock, I'd try to IMAGINE the most outrageous and terrifying Truths before they were "revealed" to me - if it all came at me too suddenly I was convinced I'd go stark raving insane and leap out the window or run headlong into traffic.

The terror was NOT wanting to know something that I thought was inevitably being forced into my awareness.

That is SO common, such a common common fantasy/delusion for anyone suffering from annihiliation anxiety and/or narcissisitic disturbances. The through-line to all those delusions is a sudden KNOWING or Seeing that will be too much to handle, and the terror that we once had an innocence that we long for again, but feel has been forever RUINED by this new awareness...it's symbolically like the Fall of Eden - knowing TOO much, having lost the paradise of ignorance. And it is SO common, and many many people do not ever tell those thoughts - they are afraid they'll be called psychotic, so they hide them and live in silent torment.

you are NOT seeing any mystical truth. Trust me. I wasn't either. If we're "seeing" somethign profound it is only that we are suddenly becoming aware of how false we were even long before the symptoms arrived. We are realizing (against our better judgement) that we were not REAL - were not the self we always thought we were - not in some supernatural or cosmic way, but just in a facade versus true self sort of way.

The EPIPHANY as I call it - the common fantasy/delusion that surrounds the breakdown of people with fragile egos and annihilation anxiety - it's as if we are any second now going to SEE more than our minds can endure...and then the TRUE end of our mind will occur.

Pure horror. And pure delusion. But I do know how real it feels. Hang in there, and whatever you do, do NOT FEED those thoughts.

Peace,
Janine
(back in reality 100 per cent, and I now realize those "awarenessness" were absurd)
 
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I never thought that I was getting information about life and the universe from anywhere other than myself through my own contemplating. This started very very young because I wasn't allowed radio, TV, books, magazines or anything else as a kid (my mom was religious and thought I would become a satanist if I had any information from the outside world) and I wasn't allowed out of the house either except to care for the dogs we had, so all I had growing up were my own thoughts, surprizingly sophisticated for a little kid who never got outside information, because I remember being very young and conteplating life, death, existence, the existence of aliens on other planets and things as young as 4 and 5. But anyway, what I was going to say was that I *DO* want to know everything, I do want to know all the secrets of life, existence and the universe. Once in a while it can drive me crazy if I hear or read an interesting book on the subject. I've always felt that I was different for my thoughts and my openness to whatever's out there, that I can handle that knowledge perfectly fine where as anyone else goes into hysterics at the very mention of the fact that life and existence may be something more than what's in their very tiny, pre-defined little box that they cling onto for dear life. ex. see what I posted in the religion section if you're not following.
 

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And what if you do want to know these things you are being shown? I guess its feeding the ego - the desire to feel special and gifted with divine knowledge. Something to hold above others, perhaps?
 

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I don't know if this is exactly what you're talking about, but for a while things seemed to me to have too much significance. It seemed like there were too many connections between things and I could see them all. Like I looked at my fingernail and saw everything else in it, space, and minds and everything else that had that shape curve.

The way I used to feel it was that I was always either not making enough connections, everything seemed disjointed, impossible to interpret, empty, or I was making too many, and everything recalled and implied everything else, and I just felt completely overwhelmed and unable to swim on top of it all.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks for the replies, though just to clarify, lol

What i meant about 'knowing too much' was the enlightenment thing, like being awakened to something that has been going on subconciously the TRUTH , but not very nice, or the thing you have been 'blanking out' running away from, insecurites which can get buried by time or perhaps denial?

or like if you hear a song you can now see a deeper meaning to it than you could before DP eg: theres a song by a certain artist called 'Butterflies' and it was said the artist said it was about that sinking feeling that you would get in an awkward situation, but now when i listen to it it seems to me its about 'ego death' ~ butterflies symbolise the soul leaving the body, - never thought about it in that way before mind, and on another song she said about feeling hollow inside, silly example :?, but its the onlly way i can explain it really, like an awakening truth that you didnt want :shock:

x
 

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i once dated someone who said that my dp was either a symptom of schizophrenia (thank god it's not that) or that i had become enlightened before i was ready. his theory was that i had somehow "opened" all of my shakras and found enlightenment without even trying. that's why it was so scary for me, he'd say, because you need to prepare yourself for enlightenment.

i didn't really think that was the case, but it was still neat to think about.
 
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