[Guest]

We are in the process of restoring our story section. It includes personal accounts of how our dp symptoms started, a little personal history of the journey towards recovery.

Some stories are tales in process - recovery not reached yet...

Others such as my own, are tales of total recovery.

Please tell us your own.

And check back here later in the week for some others!

Peace,
Janine

 

[Guest]

John, I moved your story to its own post - was afraid no one would see it here. - Janine

 

[kchendrix]

I can remember being in highschool working at a gas station and saying to a buddy ,, i just don' t feel like I'm Me.

Now I managed not to have that feeling for a long time. Until now. But now I am obsessed it seems. How to break free. I can think, I can see, I can hear I can drive, I know my name, I know my parents, I know where they live, I know my wifes name and birthday, I know my social security number... All things point to I am in reality and I know where I am . But why do I get these weird thoughts like Your not real... I am not myself.... Thoughts shouldn't scare me but they do.

They say Im not crazy but then what is this. Stuck inside my head not living like I once did with fun and sense of humor.. This grew out of anxiety and now it is as if I can't find myself....I keep hoping when I go to bed at night I will wake up and my oldself will be back. What is this stuff.

My story is I am a father, a grandfather, a friend , but I don't feel like the person I once did.. I want to get back to my life again. Where is the door, where is the key.

 

[Guest]

First of all, hello everyone! I'm new to this board, but boy am I glad I found it. I had no idea anyone else experienced the symptoms I felt until I discovered this site through learning about anxiety disorders. Suffice to say, I was thrilled that I am not going crazy.

I'm 23 year old male. I read the descriptions of both dp and dr, and when I read the desciption of dp I was shocked because it described my condition perfectly. I've been living with this since I've been 17, but haven't heard about dp until now.

My first experience was after I had smoked hash when I was 17. I freaked out and was scared to death. The feelings of reality being slightly askew, and things looking foreign kept up for the next few days. After that it abated a bit, but would come back every once in a while in very intense outburts. I was under stress because of the recent divorce of my parents at the time, and I think the hash triggered the dp (I had smoked marijiuana/hash many times before but nothing ever happened).

A bout of depression and anxiety last year prompted me to see a doctor, who diagnosed me with a general anxiety disorder and prescribed Celexa. I've been on them for about six months now, and they really help - I'm back to near as normal as I once was. Now knowing what I really have, I am going to talk to my doctor again and seek some kind of therapy to help.

Whoever started this board, thank you very much. I look forward to getting to know other's stories.

 

[Guest]

I am a 34 year old male who currently resides in Adelaide, South Australia. Approximately 13 years ago I went to bed stoned and woke up still experiencing the feeling of being "stoned". I have been this way ever since this time. It is very hard to describe exactly what happened and I cannot be sure that it is drug related but the best way that I can describe it is an alteration in my visual perception or derealization. I woke up and things did not look "real' or as they had when I had previously been "straight" or not affected by drugs. Throughout my late teens I had smoked a lot of dope and used hallucinogenic drugs on a few occasions. I have always been convinced that what happened to me was some type of permanent drug induced "flashback". Recently I discovered a condition called HPPD which I believe is close to what I have experienced. Although I do not exprerience classical hallucinations described in the DSM IV such as flashing lights, colours etc I believe that my "derealization' is a result of some alteration in my brain chemistry or functioning. I do not believe that it is purely psychological. As you can imagine when I woke up still "stoned" I was worried. I had the feeling that something bad had happened and knew that something was seriously wrong. The last 13 years have been extremely difficult although I have been able to function basically as per normal. As a consequence of this I developed severe anxiety and depression however. Today I still struggle with these conditions and find that I am unable to tolerate any anti depressants. These generally make me feel worse and more disassociated from reality.
I have thought about suicide on a number of occasions but have never been able to go through with it. I still find it very hard to deal with what has happened to me. Not being able to talk about it makes it even harder.
Although I have had relationships and some good friends I have not discussed what has happened to me and generally I fell very isolated. I recently spoke with a psychiatrist regarding this who was generally quite good although I still think he was not convinced that I was telling the truth. He said that he had never come across a permenant change such as I had experienced. I would be interested in hearing from anyone who has experienced anything similar to what I have described. I have not ever had any other problems with delusions or anything like this. If you were to speak to me or look at me(apart from the depression and anxiety symptoms) you would never know that there was anything wrong with me. Please get in touch with me if you are interested in discussing this. My e-mail is [email protected]

 

[johncav]

I'm so glad i found this site ive been living with cronic dp+dr ever since i was 12 years old it never left im 45 years old now i grew up in an alcoholic
family my mother was alcoholic and seconals and speed something i followed right from age 12 there were lots of fight between my parents and i used every drug there was well enough of that! somewhere around the age of 12 i remember laying on my bed after school one day in the spring and all of a sudden i felt like i ingested something that made me stoned everything looked unreal like i was dreaming it has never left at times its a little better but never leaves i blamed it on the pot i smoked some time before maybe weeks before. feeling very ashamed frightened and scared and also lonely. years went by and many physiciatrists later im just now telling them about the dp+dr im always like daydreaming and very hard to conentrate on anything im on zoloft and celexa im able to function but the zoloft seems to make the dp+dr worse any body have any suggestions. so happy we have a name for this terrible symptom.
john

 

[Guest]

Hi. I was just wondering if anyone else has similar fears to me. It's probably easiest to explain this by telling my story about yesterday...

I was on a trip to the Outer Banks with my family and I constantly have these feelings, thoughts, and fears about reality. I'll become worried that I'm living in an alternate reality, and then I'll become hypersensitive. I'll hear every word that I say. Then I'll want to know why I said every word that I said. If I move my leg 20 inches to the right I want to know why I did that. If I run my hand through my hair I'll want to know why I did that. It's a constant obsession of whether I have control over myself or not. And I think that's what causes me to almost feel displaced from reality. Moreover, I'll get wierd thoughts, like related to my vision. For example, I'll feel uncomfortable about whether what I'm seeing is real. This will sound wierd too but I'll feel uncomfortable that someone could just pull the plug on me any minute, like in the Matrix. I feel like I'm becoming afraid of everything. Strangely, there are times when nothing bothers me at all. Lastly, sometimes I feel like my head is a broken record. I'll get a random thought (whether it's harmful or not), and I feel like it reverberates inside of my head. It feels like it's a bunch of noise in the background. I can't even watch TV without having my mind racing a million miles a minute. Last nite, when I tried to lay down in bed, I constantly had all of this background noise in my head. It was like my own mind shouting at me, yelling random things. This noise never comes from anywhere but myself, although I do fear that one day my condition will migrate into something worse than it is. I had to take a klonopin, which was the first time I've done that in a long time. I just wanted to know if anyone had feelings or thoughts like this. It's been a rough couple of weeks.

Also, sometimes shapes and things will look real wierd to me. Stuff like that. Like things that I have been familiar with for the past 20 years all of a sudden seem bizarre.

- Afrika

 

[danjames4]

I'm 17, It all started about a year and a half ago when I smoked a lot of pot and felt really messed up like tingly down my back twitching a bunch, I felt a bit weird the next day but it got better. I think about 3 months passed until I was at a rep rugby game and during the game i felt really, really messed up, went away that night, the next morning I woke up feeling so messed up, and then like 20 mins later that morning I had a panic attack(A bad one) where I had to get out ,my whole body went numb, so my gf called my parents at work and my mom came to get me and i Seriosly thought i was dieing on the way. Got to the clinic saw a random doc who didnt think much of everything(asshole) he gave me paxil and sent me home, from then till now i've been messed up with not much hope or relief so mabe if anyone could possibly give me tips it would help, thx alot Dan

 

[Guest]

My episodes can start for no reason at all. I start to feel like I am watching everything around me but I don't actually exist. I can still talk and respond but I am on"auto pilot", I am not actually hearing what anyone is saying to me. I want to cry but can't because I feel frozen, trancy and mentally numb. Everything takes on a spooky dreamlike quality and it lasts about 5-10 minutes. Sometimes it starts with a feeling of deja vu. I feel an overwhelming sense of impending doom or danger that I am helpless to stop and my chest feels like it might explode. Just writing about this makes me uptight, it's awful.

 

[Guest]

I just wanted to add that I have a similar symptom to what jraffet14 said, occasionally when I go to sleep at night (when I CAN sleep) a random phrase (it might be something i heard or said earlier in the day) will keep running thru my mind all nite, like a broken record or a tape rewinding , I cannot stop it. It doesn't happen often and doesn't always accompany panic attacks or dp. I am glad to know I am not the only one experiencing this.
Alessa

 

[Guest]

Hello, new poster here.
I experienced something almost identical to brenton1971 about 8 months ago, I had previously had a very bad experience with hallucinegenic mushrooms a couple of months prior to that. During that period of my life I was compulsively smoking marijuana and was very depressed following the end of a two year relationship which I felt extremely guilty about.

During these 'attacks' I was convinced I was in hell and had very strong suicidal urges. Since the last attack I have noticed a permanent seeming change in my perception and a sense of being 'behind my movements', a sense that everything has already taken place. I can also totally identify with the symptoms alessa and jraffett14 have experienced, I can notice a greater heightening of the sensations when I am stressed.

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

HI IM LISA I HAVE SUFFERED FROM (AND STILL DO) DP/DR. IT STARTED AT A VERY EARLY AGE I BELIEVE I WAS ABOUT 6.. I TRY AND THINK BACK TO IT BUT ITS A BIG BLUR I DO REMEMBER IT BEING EXTREAMLY TRAUMATIC AND I HONESTLY DONT WANT TO REMMEBER IT INCASE I GO BACK TO THAT CONSTANT "WEIRD WORLD"
MY PARENTS (BLESS THEM) DIDNT HAVE A CLUE AS TO WHY I WERE THE WAY I WAS AND GOING TO NUMEROUS DOCTORS, SHRINKS, ETC AND BEING TOLD YOUR CHILD IS FINE AND A ATTENTION SEEKER WELL OBVIOUSLY THEY BELIEVED THE PROFESSIONALS DIDNT THEY
BUT AFTER MANY MANY YEARS OFF SEEING ME GO THROUGH IT THEY DO BELIEVE I HAVE IT. MY DAD HAS EVEN BOUGHT ME A COMPUTER A COUPLE OF WEEKS AGO AS HE SAID HIM AND MY MUM CANT BE THERE FOR ME SO HE THOUGHT MAYBE SOMETHING ON THE INTERNET WOULD HELP AND THATS WHERE I CAME ACROSS THIS FORUM. I WAS AMAZED AND RELIEVED TO SEE OTHER PEOPLE LIKE MYSELF GOING THROUGH THIS DR/DP HELL
I HAVE THE DP/DR DAILY AND SOMETIMES ITS BAREABLE OTHERTIMES I TOTAL FRAK OUT (THATS EMBARESSING) I HAVE A 7 YEAR OLD SON WHO HAS GROWN UP AROUND MY ATTACKS I FEEL AS GUILTY AS HELL AND DONT WANT TO EFFECT HIM IN ANYWY BUT PEOPLE SAY I HAVE DONE A FANTASTIC JOB I AM PROUD OF MY SON HE IS MY ROCK THROUGH THIS INFACT IF IT WERNT FOR HIM I BELIEVE I WOULD BE DEAD NOW
I HAVE RECENTLY MET A MAN AND WE HAVE STARTED SEEING EACH OTHER THE FIRST NIGHT WE MET I HAD NUMEROUS "WEIRD ATTACKS" I DIDNT TELL HIM BUT HE KNEW I WAS BUT HE TOLD ME HE LOVES ME FOR ME AND WILL BE THERE THROUGH GOOD AND BAD UNLIKE OTHER EX'S WHO CLASS ME AS A LOONEY!!!!
IM SO HAPPY AT THE MOMENT YES I STILL SUFFER BUT YES I AM STILL FIGHTING !!!!!! XXXXX

 

[triplesix]

ok well lets see where to begin..... o yes the very beginging of corse

ok well i was visiting my father for the weekend which i would do quite often since i lost my driving license (do to a dui) when my step sister asked me if i wanted to go to town with her so i did and i meet up with an old friend who kept tryin to convence me to buy lsd i told him that i had taken it befor and it didnt do anything and that i didnt want any because i belived that it was fake (should of listened to my self) beign the peerpressured indivedual that i am i fianly gave in i ate one hit of lsd around 1030p.m. and was feeling pretty good 45 min later i was all of the sudden all happy and couldent stop smiling the world felt great then i felt panicy allthough i didnt like go in to a severe bad trip i new somthin was wrong i just ignored it and let the lsd wear off well i tryed to lay down and close my eyes but i coudlent fallasleep and my neck hurt so bad a pain that i still feel to day as well as kind of tingleing in my head well i didnt sleep at all the next day i the lsd was just kickign to ass to say the least it was worn off but i was restless i felt very strange and wuld see floaters and i just thought o well when the lsd gets out of my system it will go away well it didnt i rember a week after takign lsd i was sitting out side smoking when i felt different and i uttered the words "unreal" because the world looked it to me and i had experenced a dp moment when i was about 14 at a football game i was talking to my friends when all of the sudden i was looking down upon my self and i was totaly out of my body for about 30 seconds then it wore off well any ways..... i went inside and said ill feel petter in the mornign because it only happend to me once befor and it went away well this was the first time for the dr i never had when my sorroundign felt unreal and i feel as if my actions are beign done by me but i feel distant like the old me is stuck in my head and cant get out like im watching some one else control my body and my memory is poor i cant rember what ive done most of the day i just went on vacation to new mexico to visit my sister thinkign i would feel better and im so ashamed because i cant rember a damn thing that i sould about the vacation or any thing

 

[Guest]

Glad I found this forum because I was at a loss as to what I was suffering from !!

Basically the DR started i guess 3 years ago. Ive never used MJ but I used to binge drink lots when I was younger. One drinking episode ended in a full blown panic attack although touch wood i havent had any since. Acute alcohol withdrawal seems to be the trigger though.

I noticed on the weekends that I would be walking along and in a dreamworld. I honestly felt like I needed a bucket of water thrown over me to "wake up" - Im not so conscious of it when im at work - probably due to the fact Im too busy to recognize it.

I know this is strange but I eat a lot of spicy foods. Has any one had that "Chilli" buzz where everything goes into a fog after eating too many habaneros (exactly the same as DR) ? Maybe capsaicin triggered the DR although those years ago LOL !

Ive also been suffering with severe exhaustion in the mornings too ? I went to the docs but he said its just lack of exercise which causes fatigue in the morning ? I done a bit of digging and it looks like some kind of Adrenal Fatigue (I think I read somewhere on this forum that DP/DR has adrenal (cortisol) connections ?)

Anyway symptoms for me are :

1. Fatigue AM
2. Sensitivity to noise in the mornings (noise creates a rumbling in my ear) and makes me wince
3. DR throughout the day - worst in mornings possibly ??

Does anyone here think meditation / yoga would help ? My friend does it and says it may alleviate the DR ?

Cheers everyone and thanks for the support !

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

me too im so glad i finally found this site i'll say it once and i'll say it again if anyone wants to contact me your all welcome xx

 

[lies]

you all know when it started,
i don't, at least not the first time
i don't remember a lot of the time i was a child
but i am sure of 5 years i had it,
(might have been there before, might have been a bit later)
but then it went away (april last year)
now 4 weeks ago it came back, what made it come back
well, i felt good, in those months, very good,
never felt bad (negative feelings) once...
that's the trigger (i guess)
i think maybe migraine had to do something with it too...

xxxx
lies

 

[LISA NICHOLS]

i cant remember exactly when it begun but must of been 5 or 6 !!!!

i too have migraines and they make it worse i agree!!!

 

[dannyJD]

Hi,

I've had DP/DR since 1970. It's not depression or anxiety-related. Mine is what you would call 'pure' DR, initiated by meditation, with no comorbidity. You get used to this sort. It fades into the background of your life, only to come to the fore when you think about it. Like a ticking clock, or a wart on the end of your nose. Months can go by without thinking about it at all.

[I don't know why there hasn't been an extensive MRI, PET, or functional-scan study of pure DP. A sample of 50 to 100 people might identify the regions of the brain that show differences from normal. Perhaps direct or magnetic-pulse stimulation, or suppression might illuminate what is going on in those (conjectured) areas. There is a preoccupation with antidepressants.]

Then there is a wistfulness for the years before: what's it like for the world to be real? It's been so long, I can't remember. If there were a drug that would recapture what I had in my childhood and teens, even for a few minutes, I would take it.

Vancouver, Canada

 

[enoeht]

I'm a 36 year old female who has just recently figured out that I probably have DP. Even sitting here right now typing this in feels ..external. I keep waiting for reality to shift so I can see what I'm really sitting in instead of the room that I can see, but not truly be a part of.

And I know that everything around me, including myself, is real. I'm just always seeing things as if my eyeballs were cameras, and I'm twice removed from the reality infront of my lens.

There are a variety of ways this could have happened. My father was physically abusive and perhaps it was from detaching during his beatings. Or maybe, it was from the bump on the head I took when I was in 2nd grade, because that is the first time I remember looking at my mom and dad and sister, tending to my head while I screamed, and they all looked ..flat. In fact, I don't remember screaming, I just remember hearing it. Weird.

So, now I'm scared. I can't tell anyone in my family, they already find it hard to deal with having a sister with "depression" (if that's even really what it was ever about) and no job because she's afraid to go get one, I'll be the "crazy" sister then. I can't tell my friends because I don't think I could even begin to explain to them that this is how I see the world 24/7. And the RARE times that I don't see the world like this, I think "oooh, you're here!! Ok, see what you can feel, feel what it's like to truly be a part of your body," and suddenly I'm right back in it, and can't feel anything except... fear.

I hope this is the beginning of me being on the right track, and I hope I'm able to find a medical professional in my area who has knowledge of this subject. Man, I'm so scared... and I wish I knew what I was afraid of.

 

[dannyJD]

Hello enoeht,

If you are looking for a site on DP, this is theone. Your experience sounds related to abuse-dissociation, but I could be wrong. There are many people on this site who are expert on various types of Depersonalization. Just keep exploring here, and discussing and you'll find better answers than mine.