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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Knicksfan4life84: she's been goin through a lot and so have i
ItalianChica1018: why wuts goin on
Knicksfan4life84: i feel like i'm caught in a dream or should i say nitemare
ItalianChica1018: lol
Knicksfan4life84: idk she's stressed about a lot of stuff money, me, other shit
ItalianChica1018: u should be helping ur mom out
ItalianChica1018: not stressin her out more
Knicksfan4life84: i try but i really can't help feeling the way i do
Knicksfan4life84: if i could change it i would
Knicksfan4life84: i don't mean to stress her out, but the shit is hard on me too. its like i don't feel in reality and its like hard for me to access emotions. i know i shouldn't talk about it as much, but its hard cuz nothing seems real. i know that seems weird, but everything seems weird to me
ItalianChica1018: cuz ur not focused on anything except right now and u being sick
ItalianChica1018: wut do u wanna do when ur older
ItalianChica1018: dont u wanna start a career instead of stews
Knicksfan4life84: yea of course
ItalianChica1018: dont u wanna be normal like everyone else so u and ur mom can be happy
Knicksfan4life84: but i need to get out of this first. i just want my life back
Knicksfan4life84: of course i do
Knicksfan4life84: thats the thing i want the most
Knicksfan4life84: but i can't feel that way if its not there
ItalianChica1018: wut would u love to do when ur older
Knicksfan4life84: no matter what i do i feel like i'm not here. no energy, no emotions. i don't even feel depressed i just don't feel here
Knicksfan4life84: hopefully i can get my love and passion back for basketball and rap
Knicksfan4life84: i want to work in sports or music
Knicksfan4life84: pretty much wanted to do one of those for a while
ItalianChica1018: aight u know u have to work at it to get wut u want right
ItalianChica1018: its not just gonna happen
ItalianChica1018: just like everything else
ItalianChica1018: if u want something u have to work at it u cant just wait for it to happen
ItalianChica1018: thats not how it works even though it would be nice if everything could be handed to u
Knicksfan4life84: yea i know but if you lost your passion and love for those things its hard to do them
ItalianChica1018: u love sports
Knicksfan4life84: even if i force it i get like no content out of it
ItalianChica1018: we were just talking about it
Knicksfan4life84: yea the old me did, i still follow it and have interest
ItalianChica1018: u have high expectations
Knicksfan4life84: its just not the same, the emotions aren't there
ItalianChica1018: not every thing in life is perfect
Knicksfan4life84: i know that
ItalianChica1018: but u work on it and things always get better
ItalianChica1018: so why u stuck on this
ItalianChica1018: move on
Knicksfan4life84: idk man, its a real disorder that really has no cure
Knicksfan4life84: if u read up on it u would see how difficult it is
ItalianChica1018: ur buggin marco
Knicksfan4life84: there's no timetable for when i get back to normal
ItalianChica1018: remember when i moved in with dad
ItalianChica1018: my*
Knicksfan4life84: what does that have to do with how i feel
ItalianChica1018: cuz that was the worst time of my life marco
ItalianChica1018: i hated everything everyone
ItalianChica1018: and i never thaught i would be happy again like 4 real
ItalianChica1018: then mike talked to me one day when me and mom got into a fight again like we did all time and he told me that no matter what u think things always get better and i thaught he was bullshiten me
ItalianChica1018: but he was right yo i figuered i couldn't live with my mom so i moved in with my dad and things got alot better
Knicksfan4life84: its not that i'm sad, its that i feel nothing and i want shit to end
ItalianChica1018: wut shyt
ItalianChica1018: theres nuthing wrong with u physically marco its all mental
Knicksfan4life84: they disorder that i have
Knicksfan4life84: its still a disorder
ItalianChica1018: its not just gonna end u just gotta start being u again and doing stuff thats gonna keep u busy and good stuff that will have a good long term affect
Knicksfan4life84: mental is harder to get better than physical because your brain controls your body. you can fight with your brain cuz ur not gonna win
Knicksfan4life84: i know ur right
Knicksfan4life84: but like whenever i do things i like their not fun anymore
Knicksfan4life84: like listening to music playin basketball
ItalianChica1018: because u have nuthing to loook forward too
Knicksfan4life84: there's no enjoyment, i can't feel the music. all my senses are like dull and not there when i play basketball it feels like i'm not doing it because i'm like so out of my body
ItalianChica1018: u just thing about today
Knicksfan4life84: i feel like i'm floating
Knicksfan4life84: i don't see things like in 3d, everything is kinda like hazy and like foggy
ItalianChica1018: abviously
ItalianChica1018: theres nuthing wrong with u marco
ItalianChica1018: it wont go away until u realize what ur doing to urself and u start thinking about the future and wut u want out of life
ItalianChica1018: im not tryin to get on u or anything marco dont think i am i just dont understand
Knicksfan4life84: i know
Knicksfan4life84: no one does
Knicksfan4life84: thats why i feel so alone and frustrated
ItalianChica1018: i mean i cant wait till im older and i can afford to buy w/e i want because i'm an architect which i enjoy and love
Knicksfan4life84: and the only comfort i get is by talkin to people that have the same thing
ItalianChica1018: i love designing houses for people
Knicksfan4life84: yea
ItalianChica1018: and i cant wait to get older
ItalianChica1018: i can buy a new car myself
ItalianChica1018: something iv never had living with my parenst
ItalianChica1018: i cant wait till i get out on my own and do my own shyt
ItalianChica1018: start my own family and have kids and shyt
ItalianChica1018: i dont get why u dont think like that
ItalianChica1018: ur just kinda tryin to get by
ItalianChica1018: u have no plans or dreams for urself
Knicksfan4life84: yea i do
Knicksfan4life84: i had a lot before this happended
Knicksfan4life84: there put on hold until i get back to normal
ItalianChica1018: u r normal marco
Knicksfan4life84: i can't feel anything, it makes me upset cuz i think about like when my mom kisses me like i don't feel it. i don't feel skin,pain, nothing. and i know i can't have like a gf right now cuz i don't think i can take care of other people right now, and plus emotions aren't there. physical things would be hard to do
ItalianChica1018: stop thinking ur not
ItalianChica1018: thats ur problem
Knicksfan4life84: last semester in school it was almost impossible to like do well. i got c's a d's barely passed
Knicksfan4life84: no matter how hard i tried to focus and concentrate i couldn't
Knicksfan4life84: i don't want to go to school and get those grades
ItalianChica1018: caus u didn't study anough
ItalianChica1018: marco if u keep thinking this stuff ur never gonna get better
Knicksfan4life84: its like my brain couldn't comprehend info. thats cuz i had to keep reading shit like 100 times. i couldn't memorize nething at all
Knicksfan4life84: i'm not thinking it it is really hard to concentrate. its frustrating
ItalianChica1018: marco ur buggin
ItalianChica1018: thats tru
ItalianChica1018: ur not thinking
ItalianChica1018: ur not thinking rational
ItalianChica1018: logically
ItalianChica1018: u need to start thinking about life more often not thinking about wut u think is wrong with u
ItalianChica1018: and imperfections
Knicksfan4life84: thats because i forgot what thats like
ItalianChica1018: u need to gain confidence
Knicksfan4life84: i want to get back to the old me, but no matter how much i try its not there
ItalianChica1018: so work at it and it'll come back
ItalianChica1018: ur just waiting
ItalianChica1018: for wut
ItalianChica1018: wut r u waiting for
ItalianChica1018: nothing just happens by itself
ItalianChica1018: u have to make it happen
ItalianChica1018: u have to do it urself or it wont be done right
Knicksfan4life84: i know but there is really nothing i can do that would make it better. i tried workin, school isn't gonna work right now. and i'm being realistic. workin is like hard when it feels like your not doing it, its like i'm on automatic everything i do
ItalianChica1018: cuz ur not motivated
Knicksfan4life84: including like walkin, any activity that i do i feel not in control of my body
ItalianChica1018: like i said u dont have anything to look forward to
Knicksfan4life84: believe me if u were in my shoes you wouldn't know what to do. this is the hardest thing in the world for me, harder than when i had the heart problem, or any injuries, or when my mom had cancer and all these things were pretty hard, but not even close to what this is like
ItalianChica1018: theres nothing wrong with u marco
ItalianChica1018: ur just not motivated
ItalianChica1018: ur not happy
ItalianChica1018: it happens sometimes
ItalianChica1018: but ur stuck on it
Knicksfan4life84: i don't even show any sympathy for people that break bones, cuz thats nothing, its just a broken bone, broken bones heal in a few weeks this doesn't
ItalianChica1018: u think u'll never be happy again so u keep urself from having fun
Knicksfan4life84: i would be happy if i felt in reality
Knicksfan4life84: nah i try to have fun, but that emotion isn't in me either
ItalianChica1018: marco until u mature and realze theres nothing wrong with u ur always gonna be like u r now
ItalianChica1018: u'll never get better
Knicksfan4life84: well i'm def not being immature
Knicksfan4life84: i'm just being realistic
Knicksfan4life84: i know no one understands this
ItalianChica1018: until u see wut ur doing to urself theres nuthing wrong with u
Knicksfan4life84: and i'm not tryin to get attention or put on an act, cuz i would never to that
Knicksfan4life84: i just want help, i want someone to see my struggle. i don't want attention i want answers, cuz i've been searching praying, wutever and nothing gets answered
ItalianChica1018: ok so think about the stuff u say
ItalianChica1018: it makes no sence
ItalianChica1018: theres no logic behind it
Knicksfan4life84: but its really happenin
Knicksfan4life84: i don't know why people don't believe
Knicksfan4life84: it happens to a lot of people too
ItalianChica1018: no it doesn't marco
ItalianChica1018: cuz u read that online doesn't mean its tru
ItalianChica1018: who else do u know thats like u
ItalianChica1018: everyone is like u
ItalianChica1018: just not as caught up in this i dont feel anything thing
Knicksfan4life84: yes it really is. there's even doctors on it, i wen't to one in ny with my mom, and i had all the symptoms
Knicksfan4life84: i can't force myself to feel
ItalianChica1018: u dont have to do wut u want do wut u enjoy
Knicksfan4life84: i try, but its hard to enjoy things, but when i do enjoy a little i appreciate, but it doesn't last very long
ItalianChica1018: i dunno
ItalianChica1018: i gtg though
ItalianChica1018: stay outa trouble marco
ItalianChica1018: im gonna visit ur house when can i rie dto last weekend but no one was home
Knicksfan4life84: yea
ItalianChica1018: aight man peace
Knicksfan4life84: aight peace

i'm the knicksfan4life person and this person is actually not a girl. its this kid i grew up with since i was little. like next door neighbor. i don't get this no one understands. they think its so easy. it makes me kinda mad. its the first time i felt a little mad in a while, but i wish i was really mad right now.

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1,479 Posts
Just wanted to say that no matter the age, it is pretty much impossible for people to understand this disorder if they don't have it. I read pretty much all of your IM. It does seem like your friend is giving it their best shot at trying to "bring you back". They just don't get it isn't a snap of the fingers and it's all better type cure.

We are the strangers in a strange land and the "regulars" just don't get it.

Again, it does seem like your friend is trying to the best of their ability to me.

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835 Posts

i asked what lol means a year ago and no-one answered the thread

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835 Posts

i know how shit dp is and basically no-one who has not experienced it will ever understand. it's impossible for them otherwise they'd be there experiencing it.

but why are you talking to your good friend with false names on the www. maybe i'm getting behind the times :?

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464 Posts
That's my fear of "coming out." I wish I could take people for field trips inside my head just to prove there's something VERY messed up "in here." I think if I were to try to explain this to someone I would say its like I have no past, present or future, just this "feeling." It's not like you want to shove the fact that you have a "disease" in someone's face, but its frustrating that you need some physical ailment for people to accept that you're in a horrible position that's affecting everything in your life... more than needing crutches or someone to open the door for you. Maybe I'll send my screen name over your way and we can talk sometime. Take care.

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835 Posts
the thing is that you've got to live dp yourself. it's a personal place and you're alone. your friends and family will do everything they can to understand but they can't and you wouldn't want them to. it's a totally alone hell and you just got to keep on going through it because(in my head if i didn't) i would be in that unbearable state of non existance for eternity.

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1,161 Posts
Discussion Starter · #9 ·
yea i know thats the most frustrating thing is that no one accepts this as a disorder, everyone says your find. do i have to have something physical to be wrong with me??? ya know. i know a lot of physical illnesse's are bad, but why to people dismiss mental illnesses like its nothing. they think i'm doing this to myself. i think i could deal better with most physical illnesses than dp/dr. i had a heart problem when i was young, and i dealt a lot better with that than i am with this. my mom had cancer, and no matter how hard that was this is harder. i hate when people disregard that people like us are really struggling. just cuz where not in a wheelchair or look funny does not mean i am suffering.

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835 Posts
hey livinghell

i've been reading your posts for a while and i know you're in a terrible place. i've been where you are and every few weeks i check to see where you are with this because i know it won't be long now until it starts to lift. actually by your posts i think it is starting to lift for you although you probably won't notice until you look back on this time.

keep us posted as you get better


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1,479 Posts
Hey Bat,

lol - laughing/laugh out loud

rotf - rolling on the floor

lmao - laughing my ass off

atpimp - about to pee in my pants ( did I make this one up? :shock: )

Hope those are of some help.



Owned: Owned is an internet slang word used commonly in gaming circles. It signifies defeat and humiliation, often through the dominance of another party. For example, a player who repeatedly beats his opponent in online computer games, may claim he has "owned" him.

OK not really relevant, I just love that pic :lol:

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1,141 Posts
I read the whole thing and obviously this person just doesn't get it. It must have been quite draining for you trying so hard to explain your pain and basically being told that it's nothing and to get over it.

But it's not your friend's fault... I think you know that. Normal people just can't understand. Did you ever print out the definitions on this site and show them to him? He still probably won't get it, but maybe it could shed some light.

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1,161 Posts
Discussion Starter · #14 ·
there is no use in printing it out. i mean i did it for my parents and there are trying to understand. there being caring, but they don't understand, but they are tryin to help me ne way that they can. if i print this out to my friends or my bro they wouldn't even bother to read it i don't think. probably cuz they don't think that its a real disorder and its not possible to happen. or there just in denial and want to avoid everything involved in it because they don't want to see me like this.
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