It's such an extreme word.
I've thought about suicide for a while now. A couple of years, maybe.
Being suicidal used to be because I was just lazy. Now, It has so much meaning. I've never felt so close to the word. I've had times where I've almost killed myself, but it was just for rest. Now it is because of the overwehlming feelings. I guess I also do need to rest.
Today, I just didn't give a shit.
I was ready to leave class and find a way to kill myself. A way that would most definitely end in blackness. I felt the reality in suicide. It was a feeling I've never had before. It made me cry. It made me smile, too.
I figured out how to feel like I exist. Being in such a suicidal state did that for me. It doesn't make sense, does it?
Well, at the time, it did.
As I wrote the note I would leave for my beloved parents, it made so much sense. I was ready.
Please don't solve a temporary problem with a permanent solution. Life can be very difficult at times. But even moments of joy are worth living for. Spending time with people you love is worth it. Feeling proud of yourself, for accomplishing something you didn't think you could, is worth it.
Please find someone to talk to. I know it's near impossible when you feel so low, but count your blessings. Take a good look around you and see all that you have, and how beautiful the world is. You are unique and special and this world would not be the same without you in it.
I'm sorry. I've also been suicidal for, hmm...7 years. Actually much more so as a late teenager. The only reason I did not do it was because of the trauma I'd be inflicting on my family. I always felt like I was worthless and that I'd never be the person I hoped I'd be. Then I realized I am the only one that allows myself to fail in the standards, that I create in my own head, of who or what I should be. We are here like every living creature on this planet, to just be. For the purpose of maintaining life itself. You have complete freedom. The only law in this universe is gravity. All else is illusion. I'm sorry to preach or whatever. Sorry if it bugged you. I hope you don't die. I hope you get to feel tingly, happy feelings and not take the sad, fearful ones too hard.
I'm sorry. I've also been suicidal for, hmm...7 years. Actually much more so as a late teenager. The only reason I did not do it was because of the trauma I'd be inflicting on my family. I always felt like I was worthless and that I'd never be the person I hoped I'd be. Then I realized I am the only one that allows myself to fail in the standards, that I create in my own head, of who or what I should be. We are here like every living creature on this planet, to just be. For the purpose of maintaining life itself. You have complete freedom. The only law in this universe is gravity. All else is illusion. I'm sorry to preach or whatever. Sorry if it bugged you. I hope you don't die. I hope you get to feel tingly, happy feelings and not take the sad, fearful ones too hard.
For the longest time I desperately needed to fall to my knees and have it keep going. No ground to stop me. Just a swirling blackness that would accept me and not define me. Just to spin in that space.
Sorry. I can't give you the bullshit advice that nobody ever cares to hear. All I can say is that I feel for you.
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