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I have dreams of having schizophrenia every night. I have a boyfriend who yells at me for being tired and sad all of the time. He doesn't understand how I feel so he puts more pressure on me, but I panic when I think of the relationship ending. I have a mother that demotes my feelings because my bad grades are more important. I live in a house with an emotionally abusive stepfather who calls my mother fat and shares how hot he is for other women on TV. I haven't seen my real dad or younger brother in 4 years. I am struggling with derealization, depersonalization, depression and self harm. The self harm is because of the extreme amount of hate I have for myself. I blame myself for the feelings I'm having (dp, dr, depression), so I punish myself for it. As well as the disgust I have when I look at my body, so cut it up. It's all punishment. I can't look in the mirror or hear my name because the person staring back at me in the mirror is a stranger, and the name Libby sounds like it belongs to someone else. I come home to a house that I don't recognize as my home, a mother that looks the same to me as any passerby on the street, the same goes for my boyfriend. I've been on 10 mg lexapro for a while now but I don't feel a change. I see a therapist every Saturday.

I panic over everything, other girls getting involved with my boyfriend (which I understand is pathetic when compared to everything else), the world ending, having schizophrenia, cancer, or other disease of the mind or body. I've been a hypochondriac my whole life, but the level that it has escalated to is unbearable. There's a part of me that is still scared of death, but I have a fear that I am already dead and this is my punishment for not believing in God. That I am already in Hell. I contemplate suicide at least once every 10 minutes of every day, I feel that sure, death is scary but not as scary as looking around and having the foundation of reality crumble. I haven't told anybody except my boyfriend about this and it makes me feel worse to burden him with the knowledge that I want to end my life.

Burden does a toll on me, I feel like I'm burdening my mother with the therapist and medicine bills. Burdening my broken household with my disabilities. Burdening my boyfriend because I'm like dead weight that he's forced to love, only here to hurt him. I'm scared of burdening them more with my death, but one part of me says "be selfish, you won't have to worry about burden once you're gone". I care too much about people to throw burden to the wind and take my own selfish path, but I feel like I'm doing more harm to everyone in my life with me here. I don't want people close to me to feel pain or sadness, especially not the way I feel it, but a part of me is saying that I'm bring that pain and sadness to them with my existence.

My symptoms include mainly of fear, fatigue, hopelessness, emptiness, numbness, and feeling as if I'm an alien dropped on earth; inability to process the atmosphere, people and objects properly. I feel as if all that makes up my being is empty space, pain is just another feeling to me now, as well as all of the senses. Taste is no longer enjoyable, neither is smell, or touch. I'm never happy. My laugh, even when real, provides me with no feelings of fulfillment or satisfaction. I over analyze myself, my body, my surroundings, my feelings all to the point where they feel numb and desensitized.

I'm so ready to go, to pass on, to be gone, to die. I'm such a sad person compared to who I was before the anxiety started. I lost myself in myself and now I'm a disconnected hollow body of a person so many people used to know. I just need help and I'm tired.
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