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my therapist labels me as bipolar 2 with frequent rapid cycling and having derealization spaced out feelings but i was curious if thats normal to have anedonia like depression for that long extent where your soul is sucked outta you completely and your just an empty vegetable where no activity seems pleasurable in life anymore including past hobbies ive withdrawled from seems stale and lacks substance. I also have low testosterone levels to that range of an 80 year old man so thats probably contributing to my poor moods and reasons my energy is drained excessively daily. ive been on numerous mood stabilizers to no avail of any real benefits like depakote, lithium and lamictal on different occasions and they just dulled my emotions where im more numb rather than lifting the depression. I dont know how i can continue living in this condition and feel like suicide is the only exit to ease the pain because no human should experience life like this turmoil on everyday basis. ive seen doctors and they seem baffled my depression is treatment resistant despite testing positive for one antibody on a lyme western blot (band 41 on igG) yet they wont treat me since i need more bands to get a lyme diagnosis so they just keep making me their favorite guinea pig for their drug experiments by pumping me with more toxic candy at the expense of my suffering thinking thats the magic cure when its not, im pretty much out of ideas on what to do next since im been dealing with this
 

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A typical major episode for me was about 6 months of slowly walking the winding path to hell. After my 2nd episode, the place almost became fairly familiar. Nothing ever got painted there, and the weeds were overgrown.

The gravity there was intense. After a meltdown, I could begin the equally slow trek back up the path to my inter depressive reality. That might take 18 months to complete.

I did all the meds. I tried Depakote, lithium, several tricyclics, lamictal, and several SSRIs. I thought I was at the end of my rope in 2012. I was 57 and had suffered 5 majors since the age of 17.

I had ECT and it was a game changer. I also discovered my affective disorder was comorbid with an epileptic syndrome. I had the diagnostics which confirmed that my temporal lobe was fritzed.

I even identified the hallucinations I had in conjunction with the epileptic discharges I experienced at age 17. "Dolly Zoom". After living in ignorance with a severe mental illness for 40 years,

I figured it all out. It became the pyrrhic victory of my life. Get an EEG and try some ECT.
 

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I was going to say the same thing. If you aren't being treated for low testosterone then this should be the first priority if you are having suicidal depression. The two are very closely linked.
I have to say, I have very little faith in medical professionals at the moment in relation to mental health. That is just from my experience though.
 
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