I've joined this forum to ask you some help to choose a healing path led by a professional figure to cure my dp disease because I know very few about it and I think you can drive me to the best way for my decision, I mean I think if I tell you my personal story you will tell me what kind of characteristics has to have my path, eg. by freudian psychotherapy, Behavioral therapy, cognitive therapy, mindfulness, emdr, psychiatrist, yoga, etc.
I carried a psychoanalytic psychotherapy with a psychiatrist from when I was about 21-22 to 31 with about 2 years interruption. My therapist didn't ever tell me any "diagnosis" -he was very laconic indeed- but I suddenly recognized DP symptoms in me as soon as I read them, eg. I "feel" reality like zouzoux showed in his/her video here.
During my 23 I experienced a so called abreaction and I thought I identified a traumatic event that triggered my DP when I was about 5: it was a near-to-death risk experience, in other words I felt abandoned by my parents when I was in a hospital for a surgery operation and I was tied up by doctors. My first DP experience occurred when I was 11-12 and I remember I was playing with my mates and was laughing hard for something, after that I've been living with my DP 24/7 for all my life and now I'm 35.
I've had some drug experiences before starting my psychoanalysis. I smoked marijuana when I was about 19 but nothing particularly wrong happened to me. When I was about 20 I tried a powerful hallucinogen natural drug -at that time I bought it in a smart shop- and the hit was heavy for my identity and my DP but I thought that experience was just "quit" when that trip ended. After that I smoked weed a couple of times more and once I experienced the same effects given by the hallucinogen so that time I was very scared to be trapped into a no more stopping trip and so I experienced a sort of panic-anxiety attack. After that experience I realized I needed a professional help and I started my therapy. When I was 31 I experienced nutmeg effects, I mean I felt very empathic -maybe similar to MDMA though I never tried it- especially to my mother and I felt a sort of "spark" of hope within myself: I thought I found what I needed to build a new and better myself from zero; I told that to my therapist and we agreed positively to end my therapy in the next month.
Now my life is a non life. I have no job because I have no degree, it's very difficult to find one in my country and because I hated people-coworkers in every job environment I worked with in the past. I have no friend and no social life especially due to my complete lack of trust and absence of interests in everything, moreover now I've to stay home due to the very strict limitations given by the laws about the covid-19 epidemic in my country (Italy). I carry my life as a ghost.
I especially hate my parents because they were the final cause of my DP: they were a bad sorted couple from their beginnings, they produced me to go on together else they'd have divorced, they argued and hated one each other so I grow up in a very unpleasant and unstable environment so my ego was very weak. They told me nothing to give me courage at that hospital when I was 5 therefore I think I lived that hospital experience as a trauma: I wasn't strong enough to deal with it due to their human/parental incompetence. My father has always had a psychopathology, gastritis, and he's a very nervous person, my mother suffered of depression and anxiety and she's very childish and she was like a ghost during my early childhood. They gave me a life to condemn me to DP though they gave me money for my therapy and that was a paradox to manage for me during my therapy: they were perpetrators and my savior "vehicle" at the same time.
My every day life switches between a sort of zombie state and an anxiety attacks. My anxiety attacks are caused by my new neighborhood (especially a barking dog) and my guess is this noise is unconsciously connected to my father's burps I had to hear all the day and night along during my childhood due to his psychopathology and that caused me a strong mental stress at that time. I feel like to be back to that time and suffer that stress because I couldn't rebel.
That's all my life, my past and who I'm now. I red interesting and hopeful recovery stories from this forum about successful EMDR treatments but I know there's no magic wand about DP healing and the most important aspect to consider is the therapist him/herself, I mean the human relationship, but I've some good hopes to start something new because I want to win my DP anyhow.
Anyway now I'd like to listen to your suggestions about what you think is (or could be) the best healing path for me. For example: 1) I wondered if a woman could be better or worse for my case because I'd like to get nearer to a female figure (as my mother) due to what my nutmeg experience "suggested" to me (I missed her love) but I'm afraid I won't completely be able to open myself to her because my mother was not emotionally present in my past and present (a ghost). 2) I wonder if it's the case to get an EMDR skilled therapist to get a very first quick help to "rearrange my mind" so I won't suffer anymore of anxiety attacks every time I hear that barking and running dog upon my head.
Sorry for the length but I'm not good to summarize in English. Thanks in advance.
I carried a psychoanalytic psychotherapy with a psychiatrist from when I was about 21-22 to 31 with about 2 years interruption. My therapist didn't ever tell me any "diagnosis" -he was very laconic indeed- but I suddenly recognized DP symptoms in me as soon as I read them, eg. I "feel" reality like zouzoux showed in his/her video here.
During my 23 I experienced a so called abreaction and I thought I identified a traumatic event that triggered my DP when I was about 5: it was a near-to-death risk experience, in other words I felt abandoned by my parents when I was in a hospital for a surgery operation and I was tied up by doctors. My first DP experience occurred when I was 11-12 and I remember I was playing with my mates and was laughing hard for something, after that I've been living with my DP 24/7 for all my life and now I'm 35.
I've had some drug experiences before starting my psychoanalysis. I smoked marijuana when I was about 19 but nothing particularly wrong happened to me. When I was about 20 I tried a powerful hallucinogen natural drug -at that time I bought it in a smart shop- and the hit was heavy for my identity and my DP but I thought that experience was just "quit" when that trip ended. After that I smoked weed a couple of times more and once I experienced the same effects given by the hallucinogen so that time I was very scared to be trapped into a no more stopping trip and so I experienced a sort of panic-anxiety attack. After that experience I realized I needed a professional help and I started my therapy. When I was 31 I experienced nutmeg effects, I mean I felt very empathic -maybe similar to MDMA though I never tried it- especially to my mother and I felt a sort of "spark" of hope within myself: I thought I found what I needed to build a new and better myself from zero; I told that to my therapist and we agreed positively to end my therapy in the next month.
Now my life is a non life. I have no job because I have no degree, it's very difficult to find one in my country and because I hated people-coworkers in every job environment I worked with in the past. I have no friend and no social life especially due to my complete lack of trust and absence of interests in everything, moreover now I've to stay home due to the very strict limitations given by the laws about the covid-19 epidemic in my country (Italy). I carry my life as a ghost.
I especially hate my parents because they were the final cause of my DP: they were a bad sorted couple from their beginnings, they produced me to go on together else they'd have divorced, they argued and hated one each other so I grow up in a very unpleasant and unstable environment so my ego was very weak. They told me nothing to give me courage at that hospital when I was 5 therefore I think I lived that hospital experience as a trauma: I wasn't strong enough to deal with it due to their human/parental incompetence. My father has always had a psychopathology, gastritis, and he's a very nervous person, my mother suffered of depression and anxiety and she's very childish and she was like a ghost during my early childhood. They gave me a life to condemn me to DP though they gave me money for my therapy and that was a paradox to manage for me during my therapy: they were perpetrators and my savior "vehicle" at the same time.
My every day life switches between a sort of zombie state and an anxiety attacks. My anxiety attacks are caused by my new neighborhood (especially a barking dog) and my guess is this noise is unconsciously connected to my father's burps I had to hear all the day and night along during my childhood due to his psychopathology and that caused me a strong mental stress at that time. I feel like to be back to that time and suffer that stress because I couldn't rebel.
That's all my life, my past and who I'm now. I red interesting and hopeful recovery stories from this forum about successful EMDR treatments but I know there's no magic wand about DP healing and the most important aspect to consider is the therapist him/herself, I mean the human relationship, but I've some good hopes to start something new because I want to win my DP anyhow.
Anyway now I'd like to listen to your suggestions about what you think is (or could be) the best healing path for me. For example: 1) I wondered if a woman could be better or worse for my case because I'd like to get nearer to a female figure (as my mother) due to what my nutmeg experience "suggested" to me (I missed her love) but I'm afraid I won't completely be able to open myself to her because my mother was not emotionally present in my past and present (a ghost). 2) I wonder if it's the case to get an EMDR skilled therapist to get a very first quick help to "rearrange my mind" so I won't suffer anymore of anxiety attacks every time I hear that barking and running dog upon my head.
Sorry for the length but I'm not good to summarize in English. Thanks in advance.
