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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi,

Me again :oops: I have trouble these days with my DP symtoms. Since I am less with Paxil, I feel more memory coming back, but more DP too. I really don't know who I am and feel very unconfortable with me. I try to find a self, someone, to be someone, and I feel like nobody. I hate that, that pu me into terror, and shaking, and derealization.

I want to switch to Anafranil, since with Paxil I live in a cotton wool, and don't live it at all, and I am tired anyway.

But now, I try to make myself goals, and anytime I think of working, and stydying (i have a few plans), I end up very very confused (ex. in my car, and all seem too loud, too clear, too depressing... I feel like this is the end of the world, and depression strikes back, and derealization, all come into like a dream. I end up, at home, telling myself it doesn't worth it because I'll never be normal, and never will be able to make the tests, and if I do, why live like that, etc. It's my pattern.

I swear I have goals but when I go out and try to think of how I would be out there, with interaction and action from myself, I become really sad, dr, dp, and it's not a joke, I scare myself.

I don't know how to break this cycle.

I will see a new psychologist, specialised in dissociative problems (really specialised), maybe she will help me. I feel handicaped, mentally unable to live happily.

Where is me? The Cynthia I knew? What do I want to do? I don't know at all..... it's scary. I plan to get a class for being a secretary, it's only 45 hours, so less stress, but I don't know if it's me. I don't know if you understand. I am so lost. My boyfriend thinks I should get a no-stress job, part-time, and even temporary. But I a ashamed not to come back to my old job. But I an unable to even take the bus, so.... going to the BIG city, with the OLD people, is a trauma to me.

Janine, if you can help me. I feel like I am at 100 years from the old me, and I don't know who is the new me.

Cynthia :(
 
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Discussion Starter · #2 ·
Cynthia,

While I am no Janine, (lol) I can promise you that YOU WILL get better. Coming from a guy who is dp'd out of his mind, and experiencing major paranoid delusions, take my word that whatever you are battling, there is a way out. I have read many of your other posts, and I promise I have been there, felt that way. I would try to argue with you that I, Jon, feels even worse than you, but I won't b/c we all think that we have it the worst...

I know how it is to forget who you are. I know how horrific living with no emotion and no memory can be. To not be able to love the ones we used to love, to forget how to laugh, to take no pleasure in living. I know what it feels like to think that the whole world is closing in on you, and your life will never be the same as it once was. Kind of like we fell of the treadmill of life, and began a never-ending spiral down a black hole so deep, there will never be a way out. Basically we fear that we are screwed for the rest of our lives, and will be stuck in this tormenting hell forever.

I know.

I can't even bring myself to try and have normal thoughts b/c my mind has spun so out of control. My mind is focused on horrible thoughts 24/7.

I do not want to downplay how you feel. I know it is the most horrifying, terrible thing in the entire world. But, trust me when I say it could be worse... At least you don't think the world is not real : ) :lol: Seriously though :wink:

I think a very smart, intelligent, introspective (cough..anxious...cough..) person like yourself (and many others, including myself) can get so caught up in the way that you (we) feel, that the process in itself plays a big role in keeping us feeling the way that we do.

I wish I could make things better, but I can't. All I can say is that you are not alone. I promise you.

Work through your problems. Focus outward. It is all cliche', I know. Try not to obsess over the way you feel. I wish I could do that, but I can't. I also know that if there is a way out, it is by giving the dp/dr as little attention as possible. Baby steps. One day at a time. Like the dp guru Janine herself says, "It is the hardest thing you will ever do and it works."

So why don't we do it?

Because we are scared and afraid, and nervous, and feel like we have no courage or emotion, or anything to carry us to that point. We might try for a moment, but we stop at the slightest challenge.

Keep on trying, keep on trucking. Don't give up, don't lose hope. You will get through this, much quicker than I will :roll:

At some point we will all have to take a leap of faith. It will be the hardest thing to do, but it will also be the start of a solid, uphill recovery.

Feel free to check this all over with some dp experts as the information I have given you may be a little dated :lol:

You will get better, and feel like yourself again. It's just going to take some time, and a lot of hard work.

Best,

Jon
 
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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Wow...I bow to the gstile. That is an extraordinary post. EVERY single word is true. And for what it's worth, I "got" it on an intellectual level before I could integrate it into experience (*that may just be part of our obsessive natures, we may be patients who NEED to grasp concepts before owning the reality of experience).

Cynthia, the only thing I'd add to this otherwise brilliant post (you should PRINT out his words and read them daily!) is this:

one thing you do that is really hurting you is that you allow yourself to delve into misery. Now hear me out, grin...I KNOW you are miserable, but when a person by nature is USED to being able to react in total hopelessness, they must change that when recovering.

Here's what I mean: maybe you're just the kind of human who does things like this(and NO judgment on this, it's very common and not horrible): Say my boyfriend breaks up with me. I, being a teeanger at heart, grin, might go home and scream. I might sob into my pillow and call all my friends and swear "I WILL NEVER be happy AGAIN! Never! My life is over! I hate the world. He has destroyed me!"

And i might really believe all that - for a while.

In truth, I woudln't be so pathetic as to really let a guy ruin my life. So in a couple of days, I'd be out there looking good again, and having hope again and thanking my friends for listening to me and for helping me through the dark days.
And soon I'd find another fellow and maybe even the love of my life.

But if that relationship had problems, I'd probably sink all the way into despair and angst again - becuase maybe I'm just DRAMATIC. and maybe that drama is something I've gotten used to, and I always do it and then always feel much better shortly after.

That cycle - DOWN to the depths of screaming and sobbing hopelessness is okay for a teen in love. But it is VERY damaging to someone trying to recover from mental symptoms.

You have a terrible day in the car and you go home and LET YOURSELF go into that misery. You almost wallow in the hopelessness and encourage yourslef to feel even worse "I WILL NEVER get WELL! I am doomed for all time! I hate the world and my baby ruined my life and no one understands and I wish I was dead!"

You cannot afford those thoughts.

You might be USED to sinking way down in drama and then pulling yourself back up the next day - but for now, you MUST change that way of being.

It is keeping you crippled.

You MUST find some way to counteract what is a routine way of dealing with pain - you must FORCE yourself to not "go there" and not allow yourself those dramatic expressions of hopelessness.

THAT is keeping you sick.

You hear me?

Love you
J
 

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Janine quit telling everybody about my love life!
:)

NAW I NEVER REACT LIKE THAT TO GUYS! EVER EVER!

Cynthia...happy zenlike meditative de-stressing lifestyles may be okay for non-DP people and self-titled gurus, but I don't think that's the best thing for you. I would NOT suggest working part time. You have more time to think when you do that.

And it is not the things that are happening to you (job etc) it's the lens you're viewing it through, and Janine is right, half of the problem with your lens is that you may be viewing it in dramatic extremes.

I think part of DP is the mind saying "I have to grow up now, I'm still acting like a teenager but there are too many things going on in my life to really apply that dramatic attitude".

Also I would suggest taking the job with the most intellectual challenges possible. You have to be embarking on new and risky challenges that crowd your mind. See, when you do repetitive or easy work, your mind is free to tune out and start obsessing again. This is the problem with low-stress jobs.

I would actually say this is the time for INCREASING your responsibilities and yes, stress. But that does NOT mean being hard on yourself. It means taking risks, going back to your old job, and spending time with people and activities that will stimulate you intellectually.

I think a big problem of ours is that this group is pretty damn smart, and therefore analytical, so once we've FIGURED out all that stuff that is required of the job and the easy classes, we a) have time to think and b) with our obsessively analytical minds, we have time to get stuck in OBESSIONS.

If you find yourself in your head thinking so much, why not try to incorporate this analytic quality into your work and hobbies? Take jobs or do tasks or things that require you to analyze complex situations, solve problems, etc. (I think another part of DP is the mind saying "I'm BORED!" and have you ever seen a group of bored people? They tend to stave their boredom off with the most destructive thing possible because it creates the most excitement. Your brain is staving off the lack of intellectual challenge with DP because it's FAR more exciting than, say, twiddling your thumbs. Terrible, yes, but so exciting and captivating that hey, you're not exactly bored anymore! Maybe starting on some constructive activities you will be able to relay that message to your brain: "yeah. I'm occupied. I don't need you to scare the crap out of me right now, at least until I get these 50 items done.")

So I suggest you stow away the aromatherapy candles for another day (maybe a long bath after an 18 hour workday, far in the future? j/k) and yes, keep yourself BUSY and DON'T sell yourself short with part time.

I find that taking 20 hours of school I am FAR less stressed than taking 12 hours. Weird, huh? And I do more activities and I study MORE for each class than I normally would (not just an increase in total studying, but I actually give MORE attention to each individual class even though I technically have less time), I meet more people, make it to more events and clubs, and am overall more involved and happy. And then when I do get time for a bath, I appreciate the break FAR more than if I were doing very little all day. You know the weirdest part? I don't even keep a planner! I, whose memory obviously went through the DP torture chamber, am able to remember something if its truly important and if I'm not worrying about it. I'm able to live more in the moment and take assignments as they come and I can very much trust myself more than I used to to get things done. I threw my planners away.

More stuff. Less thinking. Less stress. And when you're reading a book translated from a German Historian, the reading is so agonizing that you will do ANYTHING to avoid it...yes, you will focus outward automatically because those books are so horrible you will find yourself wanting to fix your computer and call 5 friends and plan a party...suddenly, you're social and busy again!

Oh yeah. Also, people outside your home life are crucial for company and perspective. Don't hole yourself in.

As far as taking the bus, bring self-help books with you. Seriously. Well that would work for me at least, because even at my worst I could ALWAYS get sucked into a self-help book that would help me figure out myself. Have any kids with a game boy? Take that too...
 
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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
Thanks Gstile and Janine and Person3 :)

That's all make sense to me.... hard to apply, though... :)

You know I always been (before , :oops: grin) a very intelligent student, and I got bored easily at the little school (age 10-11-12) I was always the better of the class, but I would do my homework very fast, to after, having nothing to do. As a teenager, I was also very good 8) , but I would always make my homework at the beginning of the session, to have to do.... nothing, play, after. I was the same at the University. And each time I was having a class with some challenge like oral expose, I would not take this class.

I changed many times of classes (I was accepted at many places, I tried administration at University, then Arts, then French, then Arts at the college (technic), then at the University, studies for being a teacher at the kindergarden.... you know, many classes)

I finished a degree in French studies, and was acepted to go further in my studies in that area, and declined it. I wanted a no-stress job, with good salary. LOL. I never knew really what I wanted to do in life. First it was in Arts, then I realized it takes much self-confidence, that wasn't my case. That is why I choosed French, because it was a job that I had control over (when you do paper-editing, YOU choose which sentences are good and which aren't, you have some kind of power, control).

Problem is, I never had self-confidence, never of my life.

At the little school, I think I was 5-6, I was able to read the newspaper. I remember it because teachers were finding this unbelievebale, and once, they invited me to read in front of a bunch of teachers and directors at the school. I was so petrified, so humiliated, to be like a circus animal.... I should be proud, but I was so shy..... I returned home and yelled at my mother : WHY you said to them I could read????? I think my phobia of oral expose began there. :)

Anyway, I don't know why I say that to you all :) LOL

I know I have to take a good job, because if I take a little little job, I will be sort of not proud of me. But at the same time, I read the career jobs in the newspapers, and wonder if I will be able to do the job. And I would like to be stabilized with meds before going anywhere.

Thanks all for you posts. You are so fine!

Cynthia xxx
 
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