[jenny_11]

Why start a blog? It may be due to the fact that everyone around me is cramming into our school's tiny library, frantically flipping through pages to squeeze out the juice of an entire year's worth of lessons. I'm the most hard working person when it comes to my personal projects. I have hundreds of pages of google docs of notes on books I've read, observations I've made. I've come to many conclusions about how relationships work, how to create new habits, and am probably more qualified than the average practicing psychologist, via google (I'm sure many of you are professional googlers) I'm sure if any of you are like me, you spend a lot of time analyzing how things work, behind the scenes, rather than diving in and living life first hand, experiencing the colors, sensations, and daily interactions first hand, as so many seem to do.

I am an obvious writer. I write every day in a worn blue journal with pen marks accidentally scratched onto the back and a worn out elastic band that was intended to keep the thing closed. I write in my google docs whenever inspiration strikes me. Perhaps adding a chapter to the document titled "book" or a few bullet points to "how learning works" or maybe a sentence or two to "affirmations" if I'm feeling ultra positive. Most of these documents are between me and me. I plan to try to publish them once I deem it good enough and complete. I kind of want some feedback now & some thoughts back. There are friends that I can have really cool conversations with and one of my best friend Sean wants to find a website with other thinkers out there. This seems like a cool place to start. I'll try not to be overly particular about which word I use first or whatever.

This blog won't be dedicated to a certain topic. It will be about the living in general. My intent is to live life, apologetically, learn lessons in hard ways, in soft ways and to reach out to people who care. I want to feel everything firsthand, and be honest about what is really going on instead of clouding my head with half-assed theories. I'm not willing to give up my analytically nature and personal projects for good, I just want to use them in a way that helps other people. I also want some back and forth conversation & advice because I value all of your ideas, especially since I know all of you are rather deep thinkers that spend time in the abstract noticing why people react the way they do and if there are patterns to it. This doesn't seem like too much commitment, which is good. If you follow me on the DPD site, I want to say thank you for thinking what I have to say is worth hearing and responding to. We all have a connection on here that is quite important to me. We've experienced something quite unlike any other feeling and it feels good to be known and have someone understand that what we have gone through is confusing, lonely, and scary. But I don't want to dwell on that, we will find a way out & if there's not a way we will make one because I'm not giving in & I'm also not waiting years for it to happen, I want life back ASAP.

I believe in change. I've made several big changes in my life before for the better, which will come out along the way. I think big life changes all have certain elements in common. If doctors tell you something like "this will always be a part of you" or "they are wrong. I'm all about taking things into my own hands and not taking something at face value until it "works." Other people don't get to decide how I live. Seeking out information and making life changes almost secretly behind the scenes is a lonely task but it makes one incredibly wise and smart. I want to find like minded people to share ideas with and chat a little. I believe in living a life worth living. I don't think we should be limited to getting to the point of feeling real like everyone else but limiting ourselves to an average and conventional life in a cubicle, a family, whatever... I think since we've experienced a setback, once we find our way back to stable reality, we deserve to live a fucking awesome life of passionate romance, fulfilling careers, understanding others with the increased empathy we have had since we don't take emotional stability and a comfortable childhood for granted. I promised myself that I will get sometime meaningful from every hard part of my life I've had to go through and I think everyone with DPD really deserves that.

Well I'm going to go stick my face in a textbook now...I've taken enough breaks, going to get into some work. If someone is reading this please wish me luck. I'm taking my differential equations exam next Tuesday, then mechanics and electricity and magnetism on Wednesday. I'm not going to lie and pretend I know what the fuck is going on lol. I can catch onto concepts pretty good but I tend to be a bit distractable when trying to stick to practicing all of the chapters & doing hours of work (this blog for example). My goal is to get into some hard work and let go to any associations between work stress/ bordem and feelings of unreality dissolve (I'll let you know what the results of that are).

Thank you for listening.
Much love,
Jen