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It's hard to put it in words how I feel exactly.. I wish I could better describe it to you but anyway, I'll give it go. I feel very strange, I perceive things in a weird state, it's not that the object looks closer or further away, I just feel like I am drunk 24/7 and I can't really focus on anything, I am pretty good when it comes to remembering stuff that I deemed important to me, other then that I just forget it because I don't care about it to remember it overtime. I was an extreme hypochondriac before this started happening and it only made it worst. I had eye floaters and weird disturbances within my vision around November or December, that pretty much triggered DP/DR if you can call it that, I keep telling myself that this is just a result of all my constant worrying over the past 10 years (pretty much) and my brain is just on autopilot and that's what is causing my memory issues, because I feel out of it most of the time, and always thinking about stuff in my head about my issues, that I can't focus on what people say or do so I tend to forget what they were even talking about. My perception of time and the events are very fucked up. I can't really place an event that happened a few days ago on a said date.. the memory seems foggy when I remember anything and like it's fading away... sometimes a random memory will just pop up that happened a few days or even a week ago, it's very odd.

As I said me being an hypochondriac isn't helping with my current state, I am always worrying that I have some brain disease or some other illness, I am extremely scared to do any testing, or even just going to the doctor. I haven't been checked out in years and I am scared of the thought that I might actually be sick at such a young age and that I can't pursue what my goals are in life. I am a photographer and I run a photography business that I would one day like to make my main job. I don't currently work because of my issues, I read online that DP/DR could cause schizophrenia and that alone is making me more worried that I will forever be fucked up..

Yesterday wasn't that bad, I felt my mind being about 20% clearer then it usually is but today is a whole different story, I feel like I am back where I started a month ago and that it's not getting better...

Anyways, thanks for taking the time to read these thoughts I had, I know it sounds crazy..
 

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Do yourself a favor and read "hope and help for your nerves" my doctor claire weekes. That book literally saved my life when all of this first started. She is a real life angel to people like us.
 

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But will schizoprenic be fucked up their whole life? Im also thinkng that my depression.. Depersonalization.. Anxiety might be caused me schziophrenia. Im pretty messed and panicky.
I don't know why type of schizophrenic's there are, I just know that it runs in my family and that freaks the hell outta me. I have these two family members that have this illness and one is scared to even walk out of the door or trust anybody, he thinks everyone is out to get him. My other family member, believes hes the devil, and that he talks to god. So I am scared that might happen to me, I am only 20 and I have read that this illness comes around the age of 22 or 23. I don't know if I can live with something like this, it honestly sucks that this shit happens to us, I feel alone and cannot relate to nobody around me.
 

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I believe that someone is here with me and knows everything im thinking and feeling.
And that i dont have free will anymore. And i have been killed.
I dont know what these are but this makes sure my lifeis very painful. Im so messed. I feel like someone is talking to me and heres something between us. I get jelous easily and angry because i think he is listening me and knows excactly whats going on. Now i seem to wait that he frees me or do something for me that i get normal again. But something says this is only a illusion. My nightmare. But this nightmare have lasted so long. If this was only a dream why its this hard? I think someone has messed me believe this way. And live infinitly in this illusion. I think the truth is that these are my parts which are all over the place and then i jjst think its someone else. Even when those are my own feelings. This all sounds stupid. But i dont feel like myself i feel someone wants hurt me and make my deepest fears come true. And already did.
 
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