Hi, i'm new to this community and wanted to share my story. Basically i've been dealing with depression probably for a number of years, lots of family issues and possibly a chemical depression. It has never really bothered me to any point that I felt like I needed help or I couldn't go on. I've had times throughotu the years where I felt a little bit like I didnt exist or I wasnt completely there, but I usually just ignored it and it never brought any kind of significant discomfort to my life. I've probably smoked over 20 times in my life, and one time I had a horrible panic attack and hallucinated and I felt like I wasn't real and thought I was going to die because I was soo incredibly panicy. I got another small panic attack once in the beginning of this year and it wasn't as bad but I still felt very panicy from it. However, after both these times after the high was gone I was completely fine and they came a good while before any of this really started (not to mention i have stopped smoking). Anyway, one night I took 2 caffine pills to stay up for the night and felt fine just a bit wired. Then after about an hour I just started straight out panicing, I had no idea what was going on. I thoguht abotu going to a hospital but decided to tough it out. I began shaking and sweating, my heart felt like it was beating out of my chest. I then threw up over and over again because of all the panic. This lasted throughout the night and then in the morning it was completely gone and I was fine and I went to school. Then when I came home I was about to walk up the stairs and all of a sudden it felt like the whole room just did a complete 360 degree around me and I felt very similar to what i felt the night before but in a way even worse. I decided not to tell anyone and figured it would pass. But it didnt and thats when things got worse. I went into a full blown panic and they had to give me oxygen because I could barely breath. I ended up in the ER and it turns out I was also dehydrated since I was so worried I hadnt eaten or drank anything in days and also because I had thrown up a lot the night before. They did a bunch of tests and said everything was fine and I went back that night. The weird feeling persisted for days and I went to see a therapist. Eventually the feeling sort of subsided and I figured it was gone but then boom, another panic attack and the feeling came back. Eventually I was put on Zoloft which I was very confident would help me. It seemed it helped at some point, but I couldnt tolerate the side affects. I could barely force myself to eat and a lot of the time my brain just felt like it had fog in it and i felt myself almost going crazy with thoughts racing through my head. So eventually after 2 weeks they took me off the zoloft. That's when I decided to take the xanax they perscribed me and now only take it when things are unbearable, it helps me relax a bit but I'm not so sure about the depersonalization. (I usually use valerian, an herbal remedy which i highly suggest) I have stopped getting panic attacks but the depersonalization persists and doesnt fade like it used to after a week. I truly feel most of the day as if i'm dreaming, it's not going away.I'm scared... really really scared. I feel like i can barely function anymore, like everything is so much more difficult. I don't feel like im living, just killing time. Its really not even a depression kind of thing, like i think that im depressed as a result of this. I would honsetly kill for just one normal day without this, for the fog to lift and be able to recognize myself in the mirror, to feel truly happy or sad like i used to get. I want to stop getting that weird trippy stoned feeling randomly, like i have smoked way to much weed at once except i really haven't and its like this horrible flashback- to go out with friends and feel carefree and not just that i was sort of putting up an act and constantly worrying about what I was doing or saying and feeling that i was completely invisible. I want to smoke a cigarette slowly and watch the sunset beginning to end and be able to feel the warmth in this miserably cold weather and appreciate the beauty of it, see the reality of it. when someone hugs me i want to feel their compassion and kindness and not just feel completely limp and unemotional to it. I want to stop having to obsessively check my heart beat to make sure it's not beating too fast or hard. i want to stop having those bouts of depression where i start crying so hard i start choking on air and stop breathing. I want to go about the day and not feel every second that im about to go crazy and constantly check myself to make sure every thought,action, word was completely rational and not insane. I want to stop carrying valerian and xanax with me everywhere i go incase i feel panicy. I want to be able to remember things and recognize them as it really being me, and not just who i used to be. I want my life back so badly, i just can't really go on like this. I feel like a robot, even with everyone here for me i can't help to feel so desperately alone. Please any help would be so greatly appreciated, you can post or email meEven if you can't offer any support it'd just be nice talking to someone else who is goign through this and I'd be willing to offer any suggestions that I have for coping with this.
Thank you,
Rose
Thank you,
Rose
