I think at this stage it is very important to focus on the solution rather than on the problem. Find some solution for this and keep working with it. That's much better than sitting around doing nothing/doing negative things that just distract you. Find a solution that works more or less and stick to it. Right now I'm doing CBT combined with releasing at home. Just regular things like exercising and eating right also help. Just don't get stuck on focusing on the problem people, it's the solution we need to be focusing on!
You managed to say the essence of what I've been thinking about saying for nearly a week. Every time I got close to posting, though, I censored myself because I thought it would come across wrong. You said it so well, and so simply in your first sentence.
I'm okay, personally, and as I said elsewhere, I'm here out of habit, but I suppose I've also got the family thing going on, too.
One thing I'd like to say now: I think the longer we avoid really feeling our feelings when we are at the bottom, the more times we will have to revisit them -- until one day, we hit bottom and feel the sheer awfulness to our very core -- we just feel it completely and totally -- without any hope of avoiding the full and terrible awfulness of it. We do this because we have become convinced that we will never outrun what is chasing us.
One day, that is, we surrender to the pain -- not meaning that we have given up hope but that we are convinced that it will hunt us down and we will have to run from it for the rest of our days unless we face IT down -- and we allow it to fully envelop us so that it no longer dogs us at every move, trails us as we hope to dart into the world without being seen, and chases us down cold, dark, scary alleys of the blackest nights.
But before we can face it down, we have to endure its mighty wrath upon our very being. We face it down by allowing it to devour us.
And when it has had its way with us, and we have willingly said to it, "All right. Give me all you've got," and we have endured a hurricane, battered and bruised and exhausted, when we have the thought that we cannot see how it might be possible to survive this onslaught, when we are on the verge of giving up hope but we cannot quite make out what that actually means because our whole perception is one mammoth ball of agony and hopelessness, when we are spent, irredeemably, irrevocably, and indubitably drained of all resources of defense and lie beaten and bloodied on the bed of utter abandonment, when we admit to having lost all hope, and when we cannot see or think clearly into the next moment, and when we are longing for death as release from our unrelenting pain and prepare ourselves to die from the incomprehensible cruelty of it, we suddenly notice something.
Nobody is chasing us anymore.
We are still shaking from the ordeal, but nobody is chasing us anymore.
We gently witness nature's good caretaking of us and allow the wisdom of the body to operate without interference from us. We do as we are told, following the bidding of whoever it is that speaks to us in love. Maybe we sleep, maybe we take a walk, maybe we go talk to a loved one, or maybe we just sit there.
But nobody is chasing us anymore and although we don't believe it fully or understand its meaning, we know it's true and that it means something monumental for us. We have already forgotten the pain, because along with the third or fourth realization that nobody is chasing us anymore, we notice that we don't actually hurt.
This can happen. This did happen. To me.